I didn’t realize that this week was going to be so difficult spiritually. I just assumed that I would disconnect myself from all the distractions that were keeping me from God and that would be it. I didn’t expect God to rip open my closet and toss out all of my skeletons but that’s exactly what he did. The hardest thing has been to admit that I was a failure as a Christian. I was face to face with that and in order for me to even move forward I had to address it and find out why. Another thing that startled me was that I had become the one thing I despise in Christians which is a hypocrite. I would update my Facebook status with all these amazing Bible verses but if you lived with me you would actually question why I would even do it. I wasn’t the best example but I understand that I can be.
What startled me was sitting in my bathroom Monday evening and hearing; “How can you write about trusting God when you have a cigarette hanging out of your mouth?” Wait, what? I got the message and it made a lot of sense. I am all about trusting God yet I still smoke. How can I truly say that I trust in God and still smoke? I would justify my smoking by saying; “Ya gotta die of something right? At least with cigarettes I know that I did it to myself.” I also figured that Catholics smoke so how bad can it be? The point is that there is no justifying my smoking. I can’t say that I trust in God and still smoke. That evening I prayed for the first time and asked God to take away my desire and addiction to nicotine. In a perfect world I would have woken up smoke free but I am struggling but am determined to quit. God has taken away my cravings for nicotine and all I need to do is to stop lighting up.
All in all this has been an amazing week full of introspection and hard truths but I am starting to understand what I need to do to fix what happened to make me a failure as a Christian.