I have made a decision. Probably the hardest decision I’ve made in quite some time. I decided that I am tired of being being angry and hateful toward my wife. I have been really really nasty to her and when I actually thought about it I began to see that sure I was angry at her but my anger not only affected her but also my twins. I lost my best friend and decided that in order to truly handle the separation maturely I needed some time to heal. I needed some time to resolve my issues of jealousy and bitterness which harms my kids. I am a good father yet a terrible husband at the same time my wife was a terrible wife at times. Would we be separated if we were awesome?
The plan as I saw it was to not call her or even contact her. You would think that it would be difficult because of the twins but I just text her and tell her that I’m calling the twins. I miss her but at the same we need space. If we are always talking and trying to be friends it drives us farther apart because I haven’t had time to truly process the fact that she doesn’t love me anymore. Seeing her and trying to be friendly really angers me because I am reminded that at one time we were the best of friends and she actually loved me.
All I’m doing is taking it one day at a time and maybe at some point I can pick up the phone and talk to her without thinking about who she’s seeing or what she’s doing. it’s none of my business and I want to be able to not be angry at her. I thought about therapy but instead I am relying on God which is what he truly wants from us. In him lies all of my courage and strength to make it through the day. I have been tempted to call my wife and see how she is but I figure the phone works both ways and if she wants to call she will. All I can do is work on me and allow the Lord to lead me wherever he wants me to go. I think by being more mature about this separation I can truly put it behind me and be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished so far as a person who is muddling through the best he can.