Phantoms In The Mirror

I have made a decision. Probably the hardest decision I’ve made in quite some time. I decided that I am tired of being being angry and hateful toward my wife. I have been really really nasty to her and when I actually thought about it I began to see that sure I was angry at her but my anger not only affected her but also my twins. I lost my best friend and decided that in order to truly handle the separation maturely I needed some time to heal. I needed some time to resolve my issues of jealousy and bitterness which harms my kids. I am a good father yet a terrible husband at the same time my wife was a terrible wife at times. Would we be separated if we were awesome?

The plan as I saw it was to not call her or even contact her. You would think that it would be difficult because of the twins but I just text her and tell her that I’m calling the twins. I miss her but at the same we need space. If we are always talking and trying to be friends it drives us farther apart because I haven’t had time to truly process the fact that she doesn’t love me anymore. Seeing her and trying to be friendly really angers me because I am reminded that at one time we were the best of friends and she actually loved me.

All I’m doing is taking it one day at a time and maybe at some point I can pick up the phone and talk to her without thinking about who she’s seeing or what she’s doing. it’s none of my business and I want to be able to not be angry at her. I thought about therapy but instead I am relying on God which is what he truly wants from us. In him lies all of my courage and strength to make it through the day. I have been tempted to call my wife and see how she is but I figure the phone works both ways and if she wants to call she will. All I can do is work on me and allow the Lord to lead me wherever he wants me to go. I think by being more mature about this separation I can truly put it behind me and be happy with who I am and what I’ve accomplished so far as a person who is muddling through the best he can.

Hello Me Meet The New Me

It”s been awhile since my last blog and unlike a lot of people I offer no apologies. My personal life has been ripped apart and is slowly being reassembled which isn’t a lot of fun while you”re doing it. I have recently become separated which didn’t really come as a surprise I just figured it would somehow go away yet it didn’t. I was rather angry for awhile and then I was bitter but through it all I had no choice but to rebuild my life. For anyone in the process of an ending marriage it sucks but at some point you will find your smile. It took me awhile mostly because my goal was to prove everyone¬† wrong.

I wanted to show everyone that I could survive without my wife and I am. I have my own house and see my kids whenever I want. I truly don’t miss being married because now I enjoy being single so much. I have freedom of choice and in a marriage all of the decisions are made together. The big question will I take my wife back or will I ever date again and as I write this the answer is no. Seriously I just got out of a 14 year marriage so why would do that again? Why would I relinquish control of my life after regaining it? After all of the anger and bitterness I have found that I can be happy and don’t actually need to be with a woman to do so.

I have kind of fallen of my Christian path but that was due to my own anger and stupidity. I don’t blame God for any of this and I realize that I need to reallign myself spiritually but I am so busy rebuilding myself emotionally I just can’t take anymore stress or thought beyond waking up in the morning. The true key to my survival is honestly just taking it one day at a time and putting one foot in front of the other. Considering how much shit I have been through I am just surprised that I’ve made it this far.