As I write this I am separated and it’s looking like I’ll be able to add divorced to that statement as well. To steal a line from an old Faith No More song; It’s sad, it happens and it’s a shame. As I write this thousands of marriages are falling apart and please don’t ask me why because I have no idea. All I know is that in my situation it was a wake up call and quite honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me. For the first time in a long time I am relying on myself. I don’t have my wife taking care of me or the finances. It’s all on me and I am scared to death. Why lie
Have you ever prayed for something and when that prayer is finally answered you’re so consumed with your own self-pity and problems that you just don’t respond or react the way you should? God answered one of my prayers and yet I failed to respond the way I should have. Justin got saved and that has been something I have prayed about for a very long time but instead of rejoicing and nurturing his new-found faith I was too consumed with my own problems to help him. I was going through the motions of going to church and prayer but my heart just wasn’t in it. I wanted my wife and family back and that was my focus but I never thought about why God had allowed my marriage to end.
Last night I realized that I am so tired of denying God to have full control of my life. I was tired of worrying about everything and actually listened to Justin and prayed and truly gave God total control of everything. This time I wasn’t just saying it. I was full of conviction and a desire to see where God could lead me. I am truly tired of just going through the motions and am determined to guide Justin where he needs to go in his new-found faith. Justin getting saved was the wake up call I needed. For the first time ever in my Christian walk I have someone to help me and pray with me. God was sending me someone who will help strengthen me spiritually.
As I looked at Justin reading his Bible his words finally sunk in. You need God. You need to give everything to God and be a better father to not only him but the twins as well. Instead of trying to salvage my marriage I should just allow myself to rebuild my life and focus on what God has planned for me. Justin has truly lit a fire in me and I have already seen blessings rain down on me this morning. God has truly waken me up and I am determined to live my life basking in his light and being a true soldier for Jesus.
My blogs have been an inspiration for a lot of people but what happens when you find that you no longer feel like being an inspiration? Years ago my favorite Ozzy Osbourne song was I Don’t know and the song was an answer to all those people who essentially looked up to Ozzy and he was like look don’t come to me for answers cos I don’t know. I’ve had people asking me if I was going to blog again and my last blog was a kind of half-hearted effort. Trust me no one wants to open up and be honest about what I’m feeling ‘cos I don’t know. Some days are okay others I wonder how I not only got out of bed but got dressed. I have become really good at faking it. I walk through my day and it is what it is. Don’t expect a lot of effort but I can fake enthusiasm. That’s the key to life is just faking it and showing up and doing what’s expected of you. I am finally having some good days and then I get hit in the balls with something else and I’m like screw it can I just go home and hide in the closet for a while?
My blog may take a dark turn. It’s expected given what I’ve been living with. A busted marriage, and then finding out that now she’s living with the dude. Love is for suckers and I apologize if I seem a little bitter but this is my blog and I’ll vent if I want to. I am thinking about dating but I’m a mess. I doubt very highly that I’ll ever be able to trust another woman ever again and I swear if my wife pays for the divorce I’ll never get married again. I’m ready to date but am I the guy you want to be with? I can’t trust women, I’m not looking for anything long-term and there a lot of women that would see me as a challenge. There’s always going to be that woman who sees me and thinks he’d be fun to date. Try and get my heart duct taped and bubble wrapped back together and hope that just because she cares I’ll come around. That sounds great in theory but what woman has the time for all that?
I have been encouraged to write a blog but seriously I can’t write anything inspiring because it’s all gone. When will it come back? I don’t know. I can’t inspire anyone to live a better life and I can’t offer any answers on how to draw closer to God because I’m barely hanging in myself. People keep telling me all the answers are there so I keep looking and I’m coming up a bit short. I have seen God at work throughout this separation but the problem is that I just haven’t had the energy or enthusiasm to seek out God like I used to. I’m trying to delve into my Bible but I’m just not a positive person right now and have so much stuff going on in my personal life that I just can’t focus like I used to.
So here’s my blog. The mad ramblings of a guy trying to move forward the best he can. I can’t even say moving I’m at a steady zombie lurch. Don’t look to me for inspiration or wisdom cos I ain’t got any. How about you guys inspire me. Give me a way I can stop loving a woman I have faithfully loved for seventeen years, and while we’re at anyone got any single friends? Just asking me impossible tasks. I can’t inspire anyone and I can’t be all happy and cheerful ‘cos I choose not to be. Sorry to those who got all excited about a new blog. This is the best I can do. Maybe we’ll get to a period where I’m hippy happy but for now ya got me. If I could afford it I’d be drunk but alas I am a responsible guy and know that common sense tells me that when you’re drunk you only get a tramp stamp and a really bad hangover. Cheers