I Don’t Know

My blogs have been an inspiration for a lot of people but what happens when you find that you no longer feel like being an inspiration? Years ago my favorite Ozzy Osbourne song was I Don’t know and the song was an answer to all those people who essentially looked up to Ozzy and he was like look don’t come to me for answers cos I don’t know. I’ve had people asking me if I was going to blog again and my last blog was a kind of half-hearted effort. Trust me no one wants to open up and be honest about what I’m feeling ‘cos I don’t know. Some days are okay others I wonder how I not only got out of bed but got dressed. I have become really good at faking it. I walk through my day and it is what it is. Don’t expect a lot of effort but I can fake enthusiasm. That’s the key to life is just faking it and showing up and doing what’s expected of  you. I am finally having some good days and then I get hit in the balls with something else and I’m like screw it can I just go home and hide in the closet for a while?

My blog may take a dark turn. It’s expected given what I’ve been living with. A busted marriage, and then finding out that now she’s living with the dude. Love is for suckers and I apologize if I seem a little bitter but this is my blog and I’ll vent if I want to. I am thinking about dating but I’m a mess. I doubt very highly that I’ll ever be able to trust another woman ever again and I swear if my wife pays for the divorce I’ll never get married again. I’m ready to date but am I the guy you want to be with? I can’t trust women, I’m not looking for anything long-term and there a lot of women that would see me as a challenge. There’s always going to be that woman who sees me and thinks he’d be fun to date. Try and get my heart duct taped and bubble wrapped back together and hope that just because she cares I’ll come around. That sounds great in theory but what woman has the time for all that?

I have been encouraged to write a blog but seriously I can’t write anything inspiring because it’s all gone. When will it come back? I don’t know. I can’t inspire anyone to live a better life and I can’t offer any answers on how to draw closer to God because I’m barely hanging in myself. People keep telling me all the answers are there so I keep looking and I’m coming up a bit short. I have seen God at work throughout this separation but the problem is that I just haven’t had the energy or enthusiasm to seek out God like I used to. I’m trying to delve into my Bible but I’m just not a positive person right now and have so much stuff going on in my personal life that I just can’t focus like I used to.

So here’s my blog. The mad ramblings of a guy trying to move forward the best he can. I can’t even say moving I’m at a steady zombie lurch. Don’t look to me for inspiration or wisdom cos I ain’t got any. How about you guys inspire me. Give me a way I can stop loving a woman I have faithfully loved for seventeen years, and while we’re at anyone got any single friends? Just asking me impossible tasks. I can’t inspire anyone and I can’t be all happy and cheerful ‘cos I choose not to be. Sorry to those who got all excited about a new blog. This is the best I can do. Maybe we’ll get to a period where I’m hippy happy but for now ya got me. If I could afford it I’d be drunk but alas I am a responsible guy and know that common sense tells me that when you’re drunk you only get a tramp stamp and a really bad hangover. Cheers

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