Decorating

     I can hear people already groaning about the title of this blog and yep I did promise my loyal readers that I wouldn’t go soft and I assure you that I’m not. It’s just time to decorate the man cave. I know, I know it’s the man cave but it’s so boring and well plain. I have been thinking about what direction I wanted to take and I have no earthly idea. I’m a guy so obviously women automatically think I’m way over my head. The thing people talk most about when they decorate is that there has to be a theme and I say bollocks to that. I am a simple dude and I think I have an idea for my living room. I was at the Family dollar store (see I am a dude) and saw tons of cool stuff for under twenty bucks. That’s the key for me is price. As long it’s cheap and looks good I’m a happy guy, The whole problem with decorating the man cave is that I hate shopping so to actually decorate my house is going to take a lot of shopping. So if I’m going to do this I’m going to have to do it quickly and try and match everything. I say try because I often will shop at Goodwill and there’s always interesting pieces there.

     What theme am I going for? Do I look like Martha Stewart? I have no freaking idea! I figure as long as it would look cool in my living room it works. Case in point I saw this huge red vase at Family Dollar. Don’t have anything that it would match but it was just cool looking. The same with this really gaudy looking antique clock I saw. I just like stuff that looks cool so anything with dragons are skulls will probably end up in my house. That’s not exactly chick friendly but who cares! It’s the man cave. a place where men can be men. I have also heard that there has to be a focal point to the decorating. A focal point? Really? What is that exactly? Do I really want women to come into the house only to spend the entire evening staring at the wall. My self esteem is already hanging by a thread so no thanks.

     I guess if I had to have a theme it would be all about dark colors and comfort. When my wife and I were together we never decorated our homes. There just wasn’t enough hours in the day. We both worked and let’s face it I was a slob but I’m trying really hard to correct that so the decorating is kind of a new direction for me. I think I need project to keep me moving forward and busy. I hate being bored so decorating the man cave is the perfect solution. The problem with decorating the house with the wife is that well, she’s a woman. I love her to death but my ex-wife and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to decorating. She’s all into flowers and I’m just not. When women decorate everything has to match. It’s a nightmare. Suddenly a simple idea becomes a year long project. It’s no longer fun and you end up bored out of your mind while she’s picking out rugs and curtains.

     Do you realize why men never feel at home in their own home? It’s because their spouse took over the decorating and the living room looks like a rainbow exploded. There’s frilly curtains and overstuffed throw pillows. You can’t be a guy in a room like that. It’s not that we didn’t try. the stuff we liked got shot down so instead of throwing out ideas we just gave up and said; “Whatever you like is fine dear.” That’s why most married couples homes look like a princess castle. We just waved a white flag and surrendered. We had no choice. We were held hostage by lacey curtains and floral prints. Woman don’t appreciate men’s taste. Never had and never will. Women like things that are pretty while guys well at least me I like stuff that’s dark and antique looking.

     Now you see my dilemma. When I actually start decorating the man cave women will no doubt hate it which isn’t the goal at all. After seventeen years of being married and compromising about everything I have full control and I can see it now. I am going to go insane. I already have my first piece and that’s my Beatles portrait. I will find a frame and I am going to hang it up in my living room. I plan on buying two of those tacky vases and just throwing them in various corners of my living room. I also saw these really cool dark maroon curtains that would look pretty cool there too. I’m thinking if I had to pick a color it’s a toss up between dark red or yellow and black. No purples or girlie colors are allowed in the man cave. No flowers or anything that seems inviting to a woman. I think women will understand that I’m a single guy so my house house to reflect that. It’s a rule, I saw it in a book somewhere. The same goes for single woman. Woman and men don’t see eye to eye on most things and that’s why men love woman. Plus they have better body parts.

    I’m a mess so of course the decorating will be an ADD theme. Just a hodgepodge of stuff I picked up in various places. It’ll be tacky but a cool tacky, Not tacky as in hanging fish or deer heads up on the wall. I’m not a redneck and not into hunting. Therefore there won’t be any framed posters of action movies because they bore me. When I watch a movie there has to be a plot and not some dude just randomly shooting people. To me a great film is Taxi Driver or Silence Of The Lambs. So sadly we won’t have any random cowboy themes either because I’m just not into westerns. Anything religious is in. Of course people do go crazy with that and it ends up tacky and scary. There are tasteful ways to share your faith without appearing like a whack job. For some reason I have always been into Catholic artwork. It’s just dark and moody and full of passion. In Catholic artwork it reflects the respect and admiration they have for Christ which reflects my beliefs as well. No I’m not Catholic but it’s always interested me.

     Now women are wondering what is wrong with Dr Peanut? He’s hopeless. I can’t date this guy. He’s into heavy metal, not ready date and quite possibly in love with someone already. On top of that he’s too challenging. He’s daring women to try and change him. That’s gonna take too much work. See, some woman like that though. They see me as a challenge. They want to see if they can not only break me but mold me into what they want me to be. I like that women aren’t threatened by my attitude towards relationships which are rather simple, unnecessary, and a burden. They won’t be angry when I don’t call them every five minutes just to see how they are. This woman will understand that it’s just how I roll. I want a girlfriend not a mother. Don’t expect me to change and be someone I’m not. That’s just not going to happen. Woman have to accept that after being married for so long I just want to be me. I have no idea who I am yet so it’s going to take a lot of patience to date me. It will be frustrating but worth it if you have patience. That’s the key to dating me. Patience. Putting up with this mess that is Dr Peanut.

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A do over

 

     Wait, let’s pretend that I never wrote that last blog ok? Actually someone hijacked my account and wrote that one. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Why on earth would I write something like that? I am a dude that likes metal and would never write something like that. There are only explanations, The first being that my account was hijacked or I hit my head really hard and wrote a blog that I can’t remember. The mere idea that I would wuss out like that is crazy. The only choice I have is to try and explain it. You have to realize that I have been single for two months so there are times when being alone sometimes sucks. It truly does so once in awhile I actually think about how cool it would be if I actually feel in love with someone.

     Truth is I made the last blog up. Didn’t want people to worry about me. For some reason people find it odd that I am so happy without a girlfriend, and they think it’s not normal either. After being married so long I just realized that for now the best thing for me is to avoid dating and try and figure who I am before getting involved with someone. I love women I truly do but there’s just not enough time for a girlfriend right now. I am in a me part of my life. I want to be able to do what I want when I want and not answer to anyone. I see women as leeches that only want to devour your soul. That’s an ugly thought but a relationship for me is a really horrible idea. I need to figure out who I am, what I want and to be in a relationship at this selfish stage in my life is not what I want.

     I want to be able to come and go as I please and not have a woman telling me that I’m not allowed to do something. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone or even feel put out when I have to talk to a woman or hang out with her instead of being all about doing things for myself. I have also come to like the fact that I’m the boss. When you’re in a relationship you’re not in charge and usually you always wind up doing what the woman wants so no thank you. I don’t want to compromise at all and after being married for so long I have come to loath compromise. When I was married I had no choice but now I do.

    The big question is who am I? I know that I love all things metal and the type of woman I’m looking for is out there somewhere and I’ve even written about what qualities she has but who knows when or where I’ll meet her. I do now that once I meet her I will give up my selfish single lifestyle and be the ideal boyfriend. Until then I’m going to play some black metal and be a dude. Sorry about the last blog but I just wanted people to stop worrying. You know what’s funny is that the last blog  could have been one hundred percent true but the last thing I want is for people to think that I’ve gone soft. That my friends is a fate worse than death. I would then be labeled a sellout or even a fake. I have a rep to uphold. People depend on my blogs for laughter and yes even inspiration. Let’s face it some of my blogs make me look like a wimp. I am not a wimp.

     I can promise all of my faithful readers that I will not get soft. No Michael Bolton, or Celine Dion will ever be played and there will be no doilies or poetry readings even though I love Edgar Allen Poe and I dare anyone to make fun of me for that. Poe was stoned out of his mind when he wrote half of his stories and he married his thirteen year old cousin which is gross but at the same time part of what makes him so awesome. If and when I do start dating there will be no details or mad swooning because I haven’t swooned in quite some time. As I close this blog out I make a promise that there will be no more weepy or even wimpy posts and despite the fact that they show that I am human it also shows that I can in fact wuss out and we don’t want that going around. When I date I will still be hardcore and awesome which is what all of you come to expect. I won’t change who I am to please a woman or try to conform to who she wants me to be and that’s a promise. Sure, I’ve changed but I’ve kind of been forced to because there were certain parts of who I was that killed my marriage and I don’t want that to be a stumbling block in my future relationships. I just hope that my the woman I do meet and date like Christian Black Metal. If not I hope she can at least tolerate it. It’s part of what makes the man cave the man cave so lastly here’s a picture of a band I currently enjoy and the question is does this scare you?

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Cheers!

The Ducky Dilemma

 

     There was a very good reason why I avoided falling in love for so long. I was always afraid of falling for the wrong girl that didn’t love me back. Who wants to end up like Duckie? Ever seen Pretty In Pink? You feel so bad for him and even say to yourself I don’t ever want to be like him but we always do at some point at our lives. We fall for the unattainable women that we pine over and want to make happy knowing that she is never going to like us. Everyone knows but we never see it because we are so busy doing everything we can to be near her. Ducky is so smitten with Andie and he’s so obvious about it. That’s what makes Ducky so awesome. The sad thing about Ducky is that no matter how much you root for him she ends up with Blane of all people. Blane?! Yep.

     Duckie is my hero, and has been for a very long time, but I have kept a closely guarded secret. The guy has class and his devotion to Andy borders on stalking. Everyday Ducky rides his bike past Andie’s house and even tells her dad that he’s going to marry her despite the fact that she only sees Ducky as a friend. Despite knowing that his love for Andy will go no where he loves her anyway. He has no choice. I think all guys and even a few girls have been just like poor Duckie but thankfully I haven’t due my dating a girl a week just to avoid falling in love with anyone. That’s true I would date a girl for a week and find some lame excuse to break up with her just so I wouldn’t fall in love.

     I have never been like Duckie at all. I always saw that as a curse yet as I write this I am just like Duckie. Sad isn’t it? The problem is that the girl I’m in love with is someone I’ve known for a very long time. I know that being in love with her is a complete disaster yet I can’t help it. Of course I will never say who it is because she’s one of my closest friends but when she calls me her voice makes me giddy, I see her and I kid you not I can’t breath. All I want to do is make her happy so I make myself as available as I can knowing that I will never get to take her out or even tell her that there are days when I just think about her and I start smiling. That’s sad. It truly is because loving this woman is a waste of time. She’ll never love me back which is tragic but there’s always the hope that I’ll meet someone else and stop wanting to be with her.

    I never really wanted to be with anyone and now I keep hoping for this woman to notice that I am madly and deeply in love with her. The odds of her noticing are pretty slim but I can at least be her friend and tell her how beautiful she is and when she’s having a crappy day she knows that she can call me and I will do everything I can to make her happy. I can hide how I feel and just be thankful for the limited time I have with her because she’s an amazing woman that has no idea how amazing she truly is. I keep telling her in hopes that she’ll believe it but hasn’t yet so I’ll keep trying. I hate being in love with this woman and hiding it but it’s something I have to do. As long as she isn’t aware of how crazy about her I truly am it’s okay. I will admire her and love her despite the fact that she may never feel the same way about me.

    

I want to be a normal Christian

 

     Okay people let’s have a chat shall we? It seems that Jman is a bit concerned about his fellow Christian folk. I know shocking isn’t? The mere idea that a Christian would be judgmental, or gasp! Hypocritical! It just makes me weepy and well a bit sad because those kinds of people don’t exist do they? Of course they do! Are you kidding me? Christians are the worst when it comes to gossip and stabbing people in the back. Why do you think we have all those mega churches people! We live in a society that thrives to be the best in everything. We have to drive the coolest cars, and we can’t be seen in that dilapidated church so we go to the Southern Baptist Wal-mart so we can get our groceries and stuff after the service. Ya know it’s really nice in there, all shiny and whatnot. I am so at home at that church even though the preacher drinks like a fish and his wife likes to beat children with shoes. I really feel God is moving at the Southern Baptist Wal-mart on account of how shiny it is and did I mention we’re on tv?

      Jman is concerned because he just doesn’t know what God wants him to do yet. He’s really concerned but it’s like I told him you have to be patient and God will let you know. You just can’t say okay God! I’m here pick me, pick me. It’s not like we’re playing a friendly game of basket ball. God doesn’t point at you and say; “I’ll take the skinny kid. Here’s what we’re going to do. You ready?” Justin is still learning and growing so it’s really too soon for God to place him anywhere. All Jman can do is just learn and grow and when God is ready to reveal his plan then it’s going to knock his socks off. The hardest part is waiting and after awhile you get antsy and looking for a sign everywhere you go. The problem with that is you stop looking for the signs and follow what you think God wants you to do, You end up doing more harm than good.

     Trying to help Justin is really really difficult because let’s face it. If you look at me I don’t fit the standard Christian mold. I slouch, I dress like a slob and there’s that nasty separation that most Christian folks are judging me for. All of my ideas are on Biblical fact not some pastor’s delusion of what he thinks they are. I will pounce on anyone who takes the word of God out of context and I really really try not to judge anyone because it’s just not the Christian thing to do. As Christians our roles are to accept everyone regardless of how they smell, talk, or even worship. If you rip open my chest plate and see my heart it’s white as snow, and then if you peel off my skull cap you would see the knowledge of God seeping out like pudding,

     Sometimes I realize that I’m an outsider looking in. I will never sit at the cool kids table and that’s okay with me but I feel badly for Justin because his views an Christianity are coming on two different fronts. There’s the Church he attends and mine. My answer all the time is to pray. If you feel that something isn’t lining up in what you are told to believe or have doubts pray about it. God will lead you to the answer. I myself have been there and there’s nothing greater than getting your answer from God. It’s frustrating being a new Christian because you’re trying to learn so much and there doesn’t seem to be enough time. You’re always learning something and even though you don’t always feel it God is there guiding you.

     When I say I want to be a normal Christian I want to be one of those nice stuffy folks that never question their dogma, they just accept things as they are without ever questioning it and when they hear something that doesn’t line up with the Word of God they ignore it, not blog about it. They just bump along singing their hymns and just chill. They win people over and they do everything they can to stifle any sense of originality out of their lives. They look just like everyone else and never ever rock the boat. Wouldn’t that be nice? Just sailing away humming Jesus loves me? Gosh, that sounds so nice. So peaceful and yep boring. Just another cookie cutter Christian afraid to step outside the box and make a bold statement in their faith.

     Justin loves me. He has no choice because I’m his dad and because of who I am. You see when I accepted Christ I was a metal head so of course when I became a Christian I became a Christian metal head. Makes sense right? It’s who I am and just because I’m now a Christian doesn’t mean I’m going change everything about me. I’m just playing for a better team and let’s face it have you heard Christian metal lately? It’s insane! Justin likes that I’m different. I’m not one of those stuffy Christians I was able to show him that you can be hard core for Jesus and still rawk your face off. The thing that matters most above all of that is that I was able to show him that Christ truly does love everyone and even though you may feel like an outsider God still loves you.

    What drew Justin into salvation was my scruffy exterior. I am able to live outside the box of Christianity quite comfortably but my love for Christ bleeds through. To most people they are amazed that I’m a Christian. The puzzled expression always amuses me. That’s why God chose me though. To some people I am a light in the dark. they see me and they’re amazed that I’m a Christian. God was able to use me to reach people that normally wouldn’t go into a church. I am proof that God truly does love everyone. You don’t have to change who you are to be a Christian you just find different areas that support your Christianity but stay rooted to who you are as a person. I never stopped listening to metal but now the music I listen to gives my life my more meaning than I could ever hope for. It’s just who I am and God knew that it would be useful to reach people even if some of it scares them.

        Now Justin was concerned because people in his church were frowning on his taste in music and how it couldn’t really be good for him. He’s asking for my advice as we’re listening to a black metal band that wears Kiss makeup and screams as if they’re on fire. This will be the last time I speak about Christian music regardless of the genre. Doesn’t matter if it’s Black metal, punk, it doesn’t matter. Psalm 150 works well for this debate. Me personally feel is that Christian music is a great witnessing tool. It opens a door that would normally remain closed and if someone comments on my Skillet or Stryper t-shirt that’s a great way to witness to someone and let them know about Salvation. God loves it when you praise him. Let me repeat that. GOD LOVES IT WHEN YOU PRAISE HIM!!! It doesn’t matter how you do it as long as you do it. If you came into salvation listening to satanic black metal why change?  Just change the lyrics and use that to reach people. When people talk to me they know I’m a Christian so it really doesn’t matter what I’m listening to as long as I’m following Christ’s commandments and doing what I’m supposed to do as a Christian. The music I listen to is just who I am and sure it scares people but I happen to like it and as a Christian it just fits my Christian lifestyle.

     I’ll never fit in anyway so why try? I’m always going to be an outsider so if you’ll excuse me I’m going to listen to Frost Like Ashes and then read my Bible. Instead of judging people I am going to focus on what God has planned for me and yep I may even throw on some Kiss makeup and go to church.

    

You can’t handle the truth

 

      When my my wife and I spilt up I was determined to stand on my own. I had this great plan that I intended on following but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Things that you thought were solid start to crumble making you realize sometimes the plans you made weren’t exactly what God had intended for you. Nothing worse than finding out that the plan you had wasn’t in line without God’s idea. My mom dragged me to her church this afternoon and I was prayed over and what these kind women were saying was dead on accurate. How scary is that? They told me that even though I felt as if God had abandoned me he was there all along and I realized that they were right. While Justin and I were totally broke and had no money coming at all we weren’t starving in fact we were being blessed almost daily with groceries that my mom would bring over.

     Some of the things they were saying were things that I had discovered on my own but didn’t want to admit that despite my best efforts I was failing miserably. I never stopped trusting God, and despite my failed marriage I never once blamed God. I’m starting to see that God in fact had a plan for me all along but the problem is that I was too consumed with my own problems that I broke my own promise which was to allow God to in fact be God. I was all about letting God take control and in certain aspects of my life I had succeeded quite well but in other areas I was and am a total failure. I’m human and even though I have a trust in God the human side of me sometimes wonders if God is even there. The thing is he has blessed Justin and I and I have thanked God daily but I just haven’t been honest with myself about how much work I actually need to do.

     I need to read my Bible more and beyond that I realized today that God has something huge planned for me. I have noticed that a lot of doors have been closing but they weren’t the ones I thought were going to close and the ones that were appearing to open were in fact the ones that were supposed to close. I also realized that the church I had thought God was leading me to was in fact the wrong one. I think I found my home church today and I feel a pull toward this place and as these kind people prayed over me I kept feeling as if I were home. These were the spiritual connections I had been talking about. God had been guiding me into these areas and trials to show me that I can be source of hope and inspiration to people just like me who are confused, and broken and unsure of where God is. God is always there even when you’re at your weakest and most vulnerable.

      Yes, I realize that I am in fact a Christian metal head who is a complete and total mess. I also realize that I am going through a difficult separation but despite all of that God loves me, he has chosen me for something and I am so excited to find out where he places me, who I can minister to and above all else show people that even in their darkest hour God is there. Through him we can draw all of our strength and even when it seems as if no one cares about us His love shines through helping us make it through another day. Today I learned a great deal about myself which I found truly humbling. Despite the fact that I’m a mess God has been preparing me for something I never thought possible.

     All I can say is trust God. When you accept that God has a purpose for you there’s no way to run from it, Things will happen in your life that defy logic but there’s always a reason and a purpose. People you thought were coming into your life to stay for awhile suddenly vanish but then it starts to make a bit of sense. I have no idea what God has in store for me but I am so excited and humbled that he would choose me. For so long I have truly ran from it but now I stand with my arms outstretched welcoming Him to lead me wherever he wants me to go. This is one of those journeys I have delayed for as long as possible but God has truly gotten my attention and I’m not running anymore.

The Mad Ravings Of King Doofus

 

      I adore my daughter a great deal. If I’m having a bad or feeling crappy I know that I can call my daughter and she will instantly make me smile. You have to understand that my daughter is a bit of a drama queen. The boy won’t even talk to me on the phone and at first I was upset but realized he just doesn’t like the phone. He’s cool with visiting but when it comes to the phone forget it. I realized that my ex-wife and daughter are almost identical in the sense that they have to be the center of attention. If you forget it for just a second you’re in deep do-do. The thing is they know that I’m a pushover when it comes to them and when I say no I may sound firm but I’m a jelly fish. Doesn’t bode well for me with women.

      My daughter set up rules for me which are rather cute but I realized that that she was serious. I’m not allowed to date, I can’t be mean to our dog, the man cave is the princess cave and all the scary movies have to be put away anytime she visits. I thought about the no dating thing and I told her; “Princess what if I meant a girl and I want to take her out?” She thought about it and said that I wasn’t allowed. No dating? Really? To an eight year old girl that no dating thing is very important because she likes spending time with me and I’m sure that she sees my dating as a threat to her time with me. It’s understandable but I told her that at some point I may meet someone who I like very much and want to take her out is that okay as long as it’s not your weekend? Then my adorable daughter became my mother when she said she would have to meet her and if she liked her it would fine.

     I learned a very valuable lesson from my daughter. Don’t date. It’s that simple. Even though I was married for so long I still don’t know anything about woman at all. Sure, I know my wife but do you realize how long that took? Women are strange and scary creatures. Sure, on the outside they’re soft but when you get inside their heads it’s dark and cold. Let’s be honest and say that woman are Jedi’s that have turned to the dark side. They will use their emotions, and the Jedi mind trick into making you  think exactly how they do. You can say something forget about it but they never do and they always use it against you. I have no idea why but they do.

     I actually thought about dating a woman and realized that this wasn’t going to work. She wanted to change the way I dressed which really baffled me because I have been dressing the same way for years and let’s face it in order to change your wardrobe you have to shop and when you shop for clothes you have to try stuff on!  Then I realized that the man cave would be forever altered. Do you have any idea what kinds of stuff women have? You open a drawer and surprise! When you live on your own women begin to move in mentally. They are rearranging your furniture, cleaning your house and just waiting for you ask them to move in. No way! The man cave is sacred and holy and I just can’t have my man cave soiled by feminine products.

     I also realized just what dating would do to my new life. It would alter it in a good way. I am finally a dude now. A dude, I crap with the door open, stay up until four in the morning playing video games and dang it if I don’t want to shower for a week I don’t have to. Women are wired differently to. If you don’t call a guy for a while we don’t obsess about it or feel unwanted. We’re men we have stuff to do. We play with the blender, watch movies and yes play video games. We are duding it up. Guys don’t need butt loads of attention if you go away for awhile we’re okay. We’re guys we always find something to do. Women are scary because they want to take away all the video games and blenders and cuddle which is fine but this isn’t just a one night cuddle. You can’t ignore a woman or else they’ll go all Linda Blair on you. The head spins, the split pea vomit sprays everywhere and it’s just a horror show.

     New love is just icky. You forget a lot of stuff about how to be a dude and I just got my dudeness back. When you meet a new girl for the first time you are no longer a dude. You’re a sock puppet. All you want to do is be with her. She becomes the universe and you are just in her gravitational pull. When my daughter told me I couldn’t date I was like you’re right. I remember how it was when I first fell in love with my wife. I was enamored and she was all I wanted. When I woke up in the morning she was my first thought, I would spend hours with her doing absolutely nothing but cuddling. Yeah, it’s nice but after being married so long you need to reclaim your inner dude. That’s what I’m doing and I’m sure that to some women my playing video games is a bit immature but once I meet the right woman I’ll put the controller down and devote all my time to her.

     Being single has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t need a woman to be happy, Sure they smell good but then you realize they’re Jedi’s that have embraced the dark side and are looking to devour your inner dude. Until I’m ready to commit to a relationship I’m going to stay in the man cave and play video games. I’m not ready to let go of my dudeness yet but woman are amazing and despite the evil they are a voice of reason which all dudes need. The right woman will come along and I’ll be Luke Skywalker and she’ll be my Darth Vader and when she asks me to join the Dark side and we’ll rule the galaxy I won’t say no. Let’s face it when you meet the right girl you’ll feel as if you can conquer the galaxy so it’s a no brainer. The right woman will make you want to change how you’re living and yes, sadly the man cave will be no more. She moves in and suddenly the man cave has frilly curtains and you find yourself wondering what happened. You realize that you are in love and all you want is to sit on the couch watching chick flicks. Ok gotta stop this blog. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Flight Of Icarus

 

     A wise man told me that if you want to meet woman you have to look presentable. I find a great deal of fault in that logic because I’m not one to dress up and fake anything. Do women actually care how a guy dresses and if they do then that’s kind of shallow. The problem is that I lost a bunch of weight. Want to know what diet I was on? My wife left me and I just kept forgetting to eat. I hadn’t even realized I was in trouble until I woke up one morning and was sick with what I though was the stomach flu. I sat on my couch and thought about it and realized it wasn’t the flu at all, I hadn’t eaten in three days. It wasn’t that I was trying starve myself I just wasn’t hungry. I was able to cook for the family but I just wasn’t interested in food at all. Ever lose so much weight that you stand up and your pants almost fall down? I like my clothes big and roomy but suddenly I looked like I was being swallowed in them. Before people start sending me meals I am still a pretty big dude just look at my pictures on Facebook.

     The sad fact is that I don’t think a guy like me can look presentable. I am by nature a very scruffy fellow that just can’t afford to dress all snazzy to meet the ladies. I am a mess by nature so the mere idea of me suddenly changing my dressing habits are between slim to none. Now that my clothes are a bit too big and I look like an orphan I guess I have to wow them with my personality. Thankfully I’m a nice intelligent person but what if I was an a-hole? Not only would I look like an orphan but I wouldn’t even scrape by with my charm and what not. I’d then be a jerk wearing big clothes. Not that I have a choice. Remember that whole blog on shopping? I really hate shopping for clothes so ladies what ya see is what ya get. It’s not that I don’t care about how I look it’s just who I am and if you get past the clothes you’ll see I’m a nice guy that occasionally looses his pants now and again. Awkward yes but funny as all get out.

     I should have never mentioned that I don’t eat much anymore. People will be sending me sandwiches in the mail and instead of nice greetings on my Facebook wall it’ll just be questions about how much I’ve eaten that day. You tell people that you’re not all that interested in food and they become the food police. Only in America can we solve all the worlds problems with a large meat pizza and a gallon of Rocky Road. Food is supposed to be your best friend. I actually had a woman tell me that she would check on me and see to it that I’ve eaten. My solution was to lie. How can you actually prove that you’ve eaten? Throw up in a bowl? Just yack and say; “Told ya I ate. If you notice I had a hot dog and some mac and cheese. Happy?” That’s gross. I apologize. The answer to every ailment is food. You have to starve a cold, when you break up with someone the idea is to eat away the depression. People cradle chicken wings and Ding Dongs in the hope that it’ll make them feel better. I was just the opposite. I just forgot to eat. It wasn’t like I was trying to starve myself I just wasn’t hungry.

     Let’s switch gears a second and talk about Facebook for a second. I had to delete my wife’s pictures of off my account and it was a pain in the ass. It was like erasing history. Wait she was just here a minute ago! No, she never existed. I did it just to prove that I could do it. I kept seeing these pictures of this beautiful woman and it sucked because it reminded me just how much I screwed up. Reality sucks. Even changed my status from separated to single. If women look at my pictures on Facebook and see her there would be two conclusions made. The first being that I am still in love with my ex-wife or that I’m one of those creepy ex husbands that just can’t let go. If you plan on dating you have to delete your wife’s pictures just to prove that you can and are able to date. Women don’t want to see your ex-wife or even think that you’re still in love with her.  Now my biggest hurdle is explaining to women that I am in fact best friends with my ex and it’s something they have to deal with. I do call my wife a lot but I am always worried about her. Someone has to be so until she finds the right guy I take full responsibility. I am so not going to do well at dating.

  It took about two days but I did it and when it was all over I was rather proud of myself. To me removing those pictures was like climbing Mount Everest or walking into a lion’s den with a steak ties around my neck. The end result was a bit weird because without her pictures there I look like a very vain person. You have the kids and me but it’s just weird not seeing her. To anyone else it looks like a guy who has a man crush on himself. I got rid of the pictures but I didn’t feel as good about it as I thought I would. I figured since my ex-wife removed my pictures  so easily it shouldn’t be that hard right? Wrong! Do you realize how many memories those pictures brought back? Date nights, family trips. It was a reminder of a time where it was just us against the world. With her pictures gone it just left all the other pictures just kinda hanging  there and only told part of a story. Nothing worse than that. The biggest problem is where do I put the pictures? They’re digital so you can’t just put them in a shoe box and throw them in the attic. I just put them on my cell phone.Now if I do manage to get a girlfriend I have all these pictures of my wife on my phone. How do I explain that one?  I’m an idiot but at least my Facebook is wife free. Now women will flock to my Facebook and want to be with me. Just mail me sandwich before you contact me. Or some clothes mine are kinda big and please accept that until my wife finds a dude it’s my goal to make her smile and remind her that she is stunning, and charming and an awesome mother that always needs to be reminded of those things.

     I removed the pictures not because I wanted to mind you, but because I had to. If I’m moving forward I can at least fake that I no longer want my wife back and at least try to meet other woman in my big clothes. I’m sure there’s a woman that wants a guy who’s a huge mess and can’t wear clothes that fit. Man I’m kinda hungry anyone got a ham? I am doing well though. I do want to date and I’ve even been able to talk to woman without sounding like an idiot. Yay me! God I love being single. Yep, there was a bit of sarcasm in there.