Anger,misery you’ll suffer unto me. Old Metallica lyric that says a lot about who I am and where I am. I never wanted my blog to be all whiny and what have you but I figure at some point I would have to be honest with myself and in realizing that I realized that it would make a good blog. Let’s face it anger is one of those things that always drag us down. Sure, a lot of times anger is justified but you can’t really hold onto it because at some point it’s just going to consume you and make it impossible to function. Once anger controls you then you start making stupid decisions and then the whole purpose of your day is spent trying to hurt the person you angered suffer and be just as angry as you are. It’s a never-ending cycle that has to stop, but how? I have no idea. All I know is that anger is unhealthy only when you allow it to be a part of your personality.
Someone told me two things that made me realize I was going about things totally wrong. I have been vicious towards my ex-wife and why? Because our marriage is over and she’s moved on. It sucks but in all honesty it is what it is. The problem is that I’ve been channeling that anger and allowing to become who I am and when they told me that I wasn’t a true Christian that really confused me. I am, really. How can you say that? Then I just tried to ignore it and then it dawned on me that they were right. I was wrong. Here I am talking about how amazing God is but I treat the people I supposedly care about like crap. Not cool Mr Michael and now as I write this I’m going deep into my soul and figure out how I allowed this to happen. Sure, I’m hurt that my marriage is over but I can’t continue to be angry because it’s just not healthy. Maybe I need a spa day to just relax. What I really need to do is buck up and move on. Find someone I can trust and that actually wants to be with me. Problem is that I’m a mess. I doubt that I’ll ever trust another woman again and when I think about love I actually throw up in my mouth a little. The goal for me is to actually work on being a true Christian and accept the way things are and know that God does in fact have a plan for me. I just need to stop acting like an idiot. Let go of all the anger and be a hippie. Grow my hair out, jam out to some Jefferson Airplane, or here’s a thought find someone knew or just repair the damage that my failed marriage caused. My ex-wife really really ripped my heart out and that’s really what I want to do with every woman I come in contact with. That’s not right or healthy.
I think there will come a point where I can date but now I just want to be alone and move forward. No more whining, or anger. I’ll just throw on some Christian thrash metal and channel my anger onto small kittens and puppies. I will then be known as a puppy shover. No, that’s wrong and see I wanted to start the new year off without offending anyone and I’ve reached a new low. Sorry. For the next week I will focus my attention to shoveling through the anger and hopefully be able to look at my ex-wife without wanting to punch her in the face. Again I don’t condone violence and I have never hit my ex-wife. The point of this blog for me is about moving onto the next chapter of my life and being a true Christian that shoves puppies and is for the most part anger free. Just don’t ask me about forgiveness.