A fish Out Of Water

     You want to know what I love about being single? Aside from the whole being your own boss. I like the fact that I no longer have to put the toilet seat down. For years I would always hear; “Why can’t you ever put the toilet seat down?” Why can’t you women ever just leave it up? Not all the time mind you just on special occasions like Christmas or even birthdays. It would be kind of nice to walk into the bathroom and Tada! The being your own boss is kind of nice though. I went to church for New Years Eve and it was kind of strange that I was actually able to mingle without worrying about the sitter or talking to someone and worrying that I was ignoring my wife. I realized how embarrassing being married can actually be when a guy got yelled at for not listening to what his wife was saying. How rude and degrading for that guy to be owned by his wife.

     Once I became single the obvious question was now what? I don’t drink so the mere idea of becoming an alcoholic just seems like a step backward. I know that I have an addictive personality and once I start I just don’t or can’t stop. The main reason for quitting was my oldest son. I was nineteen and rather scared but I knew that I had no choice but to become responsible. He didn’t have a voice and never asked to be born. My father ran when he found out my mom was pregnant with me and I knew I couldn’t make the same decision. So I decided to stop drinking and man up. Best decision I ever made because Justin is an awesome kid. Other reasons why I no longer drink should be shared in order to teach kids that drinking isn’t all that fun. Most people wake up .with a hangover I wake up with bruises and a fiancée that I didn’t even remember proposing to. Two stories that could have ended badly yet thankfully didn’t.

     Story number one and this is the kicker I have no idea what possessed me to do this or even think it would be a good idea. I was at my cousins house of all places totally hammered and I spied a sled on his deck. Now his apartment building had four apartments and the steps were rather steep. I decided that I was going to sled down his stairs. You would think that someone would have stopped me but no instead they decide that if I’m going to do it someone had to at least stand by the front door and open it. I guess the thinking was that my hitting the door would have been a disaster. Keep in mind that I’m drunk and about to SLED DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!!!! So I positioned myself and someone gave me a push and bumpty bumpty bump I go. All I can say I am so glad that the door was open because I managed to hit the last stair and kind of slipped/rolled off the sled and out the front door laughing the whole way.

      The second story is one that was actually told to me the next day by my girlfriend at the time. She decided to get me a small bottle of Jack Daniels for my eighteenth birthday which I drank by myself. The last thing I remember is laying in the front yard making dirt angels. Totally blacked out. First and last time I ever drank Jack Daniels. I also found out that in my drunken state I had somehow found a gumball machine ring and actually proposed to her. Problem was that I had no recollection of that at all. So you see that at my age drinking could kill me. Not by alcohol poisoning but by a sledding accident or laying out in the street because I could see the stars better there (yep I did that).

     It’s a lot safer for me to just hide out in the man cave and play video games. The other problem is dating. I haven’t dated in a very long time. I have been with the same woman for seventeen years so I have no idea what I’m doing. I have been programed that it’s wrong to be interested in other women other than your wife so I actually felt guilty the first time I even talked to a woman. You would think it’d be like riding a bike but it’s not. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have actually just rediscovered how to actually talk to a woman that wasn’t my wife and would you believe I actually had guilt? Now I got some swagger back and I feel a little bit more comfortable but I can’t imagine actually asking someone out. It’s going to be a disaster. It’s a combination of being shy and not having a clue what I’m doing. It’s like I’m sixteen again. I think I may just resort to the behavior most kindergartners resort to. You see a girl you like you punch her. After that you have a girlfriend.

     The nice thing is that my mother isn’t hooking me up with people. There’s nothing worse than your mother helping you find a girlfriend. It never works because the women see you as some pathetic loser that needs his mommy to be his wing man. I also ruled out  dating websites due to it being the perfect breeding ground for serial killers and stalkers. I saw the Godfather and I do not want to wake up next to a horse head. I really don’t need a scary women calling when it’s my weekend with the twins wondering why I’m not calling every ten minutes, I learned a lot from watching Fatal Attraction. Bars are a waste of time because in all honesty would you really expect to find your future girlfriend drunk and woohing all night? I have my twins to think about. When they ask how I met her can I really tell them I met her at some bar while I was ripped on Heineken. I keep asking myself what I want to do and I  no idea. Sure I have to date at some point but I have to figure out how to approach women first without feeling guilty. Maybe if they approached me it would be easier. Well as long as they’re not woo girls or stalkers.


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