In all honesty the hardest part of being separated is not seeing my kids every day. For years the only thing I was really good at was being a husband and a father. Sadly when your wife tells you that she hasn’t been in love with you for quite some time you start to realize that while you may have been a terrible husband to the kids you were the coolest guy on the planet. I assumed that my separation was temporary but when my wife informed me that she was filing for divorce I was devastated because for seventeen years all I really knew how to be was a father and a husband. I was suddenly lost and not sure how I was going to survive as a single man. All I wanted was to see my kids everyday just like I always did but my wife decided that our marriage was over. I was just like every other single dad at McDonalds on any given weekend.
I have made a lot of mistakes during my separation. Said things that I’m not proud of but after being married for seventeen years it’s hard to accept that your wife is in love with another man and you’re looking at just being a weekend dad. I’m sure the kids feel as if it’s somehow their fault that mommy and daddy aren’t together anymore and when they wish on stars all they want is for mommy to love daddy again. As kids they don’t understand that people change and when they move on there’s no turning back. They don’t understand about divorce or custody agreements and why should they? Separation and divorce is rather hard on kids and for good reason. Their lives are forever altered just because one parent decided that the other is suddenly no longer good enough. I decided that my role as a father shouldn’t be every other weekend. My kids know that they can see me any time they want and they do.
Sure, after they visit my house is wrecked, my nerves are shot but they important thing is that they know that I love them. Just because my wife and I are divorcing it doesn’t mean I don’t love the kids. It’s still hard not seeing them everyday. I miss waking them up for school, and just being with them at night to put them to bed. I miss my wife and I sitting around on Saturday mornings just being together. It’s hard being away from the twins but even harder to accept that my wife is moving on with her life and I’m no longer a part of it. On Wednesday I bid farewell to my kids and ex-wife and had this insane urge to just run after the car and hug them one last time. It dawned on me that I wouldn’t see them again until next Thursday and the only contact I would have with them would be over the phone. When they leave there’s always this small chunk of me that goes with them. I am so excited to see them again that I even count down the days until I have them again. It also gives me an excuse to see my ex-wife and it angers me that she has somehow gotten even more beautiful. I hate her new boyfriend because not only does he get to see my kids more than I do but he has my wife too. I keep wondering when it’ll get easier but I have no answer. All I know is that on Tuesday I get excited because I get to see the twins again and despite the wrecked house and shot nerves my kids are coming over and all is right in the universe.