Moving Forward

 

       Two blogs in one day? I know scary isn’t it? When the kids leave I always get a little bummed out. As soon as they leave I already miss them and begin counting down the days until they return. No one said being separated was going to be easy and in all honesty when I look at how far I’ve come I’m quite amazed. After almost a decade of being with the same woman I am ready for the next chapter of my life whatever that may be. It’s funny because I looked at my daughter today and realized that there are only two people that I can’t say no to. My ex-wife and my daughter. I can’t ever get mad at my daughter. Her smile and laughter always make me feel alive and I realize that to her I’ll always be the coolest guy ever. Hearing her squeal daddy every time I call make me just a bit giddy with happiness.

     Then you have my ex-wife whom I still adore. I’ve tried to hate her but I just can’t. There is no way I can hate a woman who makes my breath catch in my chest with just one look. When I think of some of the best times in my life she was always there. The truth is that she was actually the first woman I fell in love with. I always distanced myself from women and avoided long term relationships because I just wasn’t able to trust anyone. Then she came along and changed the way I thought about a lot of things. Just being with her made the impossible possible. I knew that with her next to me I could do anything. Then the kids came and I found that I had a purpose and my life was complete. My family was all I needed and they were the best thing that ever happened to me.

     I have tried to say no to my wife numerous times, I’ve tried really really hard to hate her and then I’d see her or talk to her and the last seventeen years would come rushing back. She’s my ex-wife, the mother of my kids and a woman who I respect just like I do my mother. She’ll look at me or  say my name and the words no vanish. She has that affect on me which really sucks but it is what it is. I doubt that I can actually ever love anyone the same way I loved her. It was intense, and real. Losing her still hurts  because for the last two months all I wanted was her. No other woman could compare. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on.

   We would go out and I would think to myself; “I am with the most beautiful woman on the planet. Why is she with me?” I still have no idea but I just loved being with her and even now I will still text her just to tell her I adore her and that she’s beautiful. I have realized that that part of my life is over. Sure, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I know she’s coming over and seeing her still takes my breath away but I have finally accepted that she and I are over. Our story has ended and I have no idea when I realized it and can’t even begin to tell you how that makes me feel because as I write this I feel a little hollow. Like a piece of me is missing and I honestly don’t know where it went.

    I guess if anything this is my farewell to my wife. I like that we’re still friends. That’s really rare and it proves that people can drift apart yet still need each other from time to time. She always needs to hear that she’s beautiful and that to me she is the most charming, intelligent woman I ever met. I was a lucky guy to be married to her for so long and whomever she’s with now is lucky to have such an amazing woman. I somehow forgot that but as I pick up the pieces of who I was and move forward I vow never to allow that to happen again. I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and sure it sucks but it’s something I have to live with. She was my first love and I think a small part of me will always love her but I’m excited for the both of us. Who knows what will happen but this new blog has allowed me to cleanse my heart a little bit and be honest with myself. She’s never coming home. Writing and seeing it suddenly makes it more real. It makes the truth a little bit easier to accept.

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