Flight Of Icarus

 

     A wise man told me that if you want to meet woman you have to look presentable. I find a great deal of fault in that logic because I’m not one to dress up and fake anything. Do women actually care how a guy dresses and if they do then that’s kind of shallow. The problem is that I lost a bunch of weight. Want to know what diet I was on? My wife left me and I just kept forgetting to eat. I hadn’t even realized I was in trouble until I woke up one morning and was sick with what I though was the stomach flu. I sat on my couch and thought about it and realized it wasn’t the flu at all, I hadn’t eaten in three days. It wasn’t that I was trying starve myself I just wasn’t hungry. I was able to cook for the family but I just wasn’t interested in food at all. Ever lose so much weight that you stand up and your pants almost fall down? I like my clothes big and roomy but suddenly I looked like I was being swallowed in them. Before people start sending me meals I am still a pretty big dude just look at my pictures on Facebook.

     The sad fact is that I don’t think a guy like me can look presentable. I am by nature a very scruffy fellow that just can’t afford to dress all snazzy to meet the ladies. I am a mess by nature so the mere idea of me suddenly changing my dressing habits are between slim to none. Now that my clothes are a bit too big and I look like an orphan I guess I have to wow them with my personality. Thankfully I’m a nice intelligent person but what if I was an a-hole? Not only would I look like an orphan but I wouldn’t even scrape by with my charm and what not. I’d then be a jerk wearing big clothes. Not that I have a choice. Remember that whole blog on shopping? I really hate shopping for clothes so ladies what ya see is what ya get. It’s not that I don’t care about how I look it’s just who I am and if you get past the clothes you’ll see I’m a nice guy that occasionally looses his pants now and again. Awkward yes but funny as all get out.

     I should have never mentioned that I don’t eat much anymore. People will be sending me sandwiches in the mail and instead of nice greetings on my Facebook wall it’ll just be questions about how much I’ve eaten that day. You tell people that you’re not all that interested in food and they become the food police. Only in America can we solve all the worlds problems with a large meat pizza and a gallon of Rocky Road. Food is supposed to be your best friend. I actually had a woman tell me that she would check on me and see to it that I’ve eaten. My solution was to lie. How can you actually prove that you’ve eaten? Throw up in a bowl? Just yack and say; “Told ya I ate. If you notice I had a hot dog and some mac and cheese. Happy?” That’s gross. I apologize. The answer to every ailment is food. You have to starve a cold, when you break up with someone the idea is to eat away the depression. People cradle chicken wings and Ding Dongs in the hope that it’ll make them feel better. I was just the opposite. I just forgot to eat. It wasn’t like I was trying to starve myself I just wasn’t hungry.

     Let’s switch gears a second and talk about Facebook for a second. I had to delete my wife’s pictures of off my account and it was a pain in the ass. It was like erasing history. Wait she was just here a minute ago! No, she never existed. I did it just to prove that I could do it. I kept seeing these pictures of this beautiful woman and it sucked because it reminded me just how much I screwed up. Reality sucks. Even changed my status from separated to single. If women look at my pictures on Facebook and see her there would be two conclusions made. The first being that I am still in love with my ex-wife or that I’m one of those creepy ex husbands that just can’t let go. If you plan on dating you have to delete your wife’s pictures just to prove that you can and are able to date. Women don’t want to see your ex-wife or even think that you’re still in love with her.  Now my biggest hurdle is explaining to women that I am in fact best friends with my ex and it’s something they have to deal with. I do call my wife a lot but I am always worried about her. Someone has to be so until she finds the right guy I take full responsibility. I am so not going to do well at dating.

  It took about two days but I did it and when it was all over I was rather proud of myself. To me removing those pictures was like climbing Mount Everest or walking into a lion’s den with a steak ties around my neck. The end result was a bit weird because without her pictures there I look like a very vain person. You have the kids and me but it’s just weird not seeing her. To anyone else it looks like a guy who has a man crush on himself. I got rid of the pictures but I didn’t feel as good about it as I thought I would. I figured since my ex-wife removed my pictures  so easily it shouldn’t be that hard right? Wrong! Do you realize how many memories those pictures brought back? Date nights, family trips. It was a reminder of a time where it was just us against the world. With her pictures gone it just left all the other pictures just kinda hanging  there and only told part of a story. Nothing worse than that. The biggest problem is where do I put the pictures? They’re digital so you can’t just put them in a shoe box and throw them in the attic. I just put them on my cell phone.Now if I do manage to get a girlfriend I have all these pictures of my wife on my phone. How do I explain that one?  I’m an idiot but at least my Facebook is wife free. Now women will flock to my Facebook and want to be with me. Just mail me sandwich before you contact me. Or some clothes mine are kinda big and please accept that until my wife finds a dude it’s my goal to make her smile and remind her that she is stunning, and charming and an awesome mother that always needs to be reminded of those things.

     I removed the pictures not because I wanted to mind you, but because I had to. If I’m moving forward I can at least fake that I no longer want my wife back and at least try to meet other woman in my big clothes. I’m sure there’s a woman that wants a guy who’s a huge mess and can’t wear clothes that fit. Man I’m kinda hungry anyone got a ham? I am doing well though. I do want to date and I’ve even been able to talk to woman without sounding like an idiot. Yay me! God I love being single. Yep, there was a bit of sarcasm in there.

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