The Mad Ravings Of King Doofus

 

      I adore my daughter a great deal. If I’m having a bad or feeling crappy I know that I can call my daughter and she will instantly make me smile. You have to understand that my daughter is a bit of a drama queen. The boy won’t even talk to me on the phone and at first I was upset but realized he just doesn’t like the phone. He’s cool with visiting but when it comes to the phone forget it. I realized that my ex-wife and daughter are almost identical in the sense that they have to be the center of attention. If you forget it for just a second you’re in deep do-do. The thing is they know that I’m a pushover when it comes to them and when I say no I may sound firm but I’m a jelly fish. Doesn’t bode well for me with women.

      My daughter set up rules for me which are rather cute but I realized that that she was serious. I’m not allowed to date, I can’t be mean to our dog, the man cave is the princess cave and all the scary movies have to be put away anytime she visits. I thought about the no dating thing and I told her; “Princess what if I meant a girl and I want to take her out?” She thought about it and said that I wasn’t allowed. No dating? Really? To an eight year old girl that no dating thing is very important because she likes spending time with me and I’m sure that she sees my dating as a threat to her time with me. It’s understandable but I told her that at some point I may meet someone who I like very much and want to take her out is that okay as long as it’s not your weekend? Then my adorable daughter became my mother when she said she would have to meet her and if she liked her it would fine.

     I learned a very valuable lesson from my daughter. Don’t date. It’s that simple. Even though I was married for so long I still don’t know anything about woman at all. Sure, I know my wife but do you realize how long that took? Women are strange and scary creatures. Sure, on the outside they’re soft but when you get inside their heads it’s dark and cold. Let’s be honest and say that woman are Jedi’s that have turned to the dark side. They will use their emotions, and the Jedi mind trick into making you  think exactly how they do. You can say something forget about it but they never do and they always use it against you. I have no idea why but they do.

     I actually thought about dating a woman and realized that this wasn’t going to work. She wanted to change the way I dressed which really baffled me because I have been dressing the same way for years and let’s face it in order to change your wardrobe you have to shop and when you shop for clothes you have to try stuff on!  Then I realized that the man cave would be forever altered. Do you have any idea what kinds of stuff women have? You open a drawer and surprise! When you live on your own women begin to move in mentally. They are rearranging your furniture, cleaning your house and just waiting for you ask them to move in. No way! The man cave is sacred and holy and I just can’t have my man cave soiled by feminine products.

     I also realized just what dating would do to my new life. It would alter it in a good way. I am finally a dude now. A dude, I crap with the door open, stay up until four in the morning playing video games and dang it if I don’t want to shower for a week I don’t have to. Women are wired differently to. If you don’t call a guy for a while we don’t obsess about it or feel unwanted. We’re men we have stuff to do. We play with the blender, watch movies and yes play video games. We are duding it up. Guys don’t need butt loads of attention if you go away for awhile we’re okay. We’re guys we always find something to do. Women are scary because they want to take away all the video games and blenders and cuddle which is fine but this isn’t just a one night cuddle. You can’t ignore a woman or else they’ll go all Linda Blair on you. The head spins, the split pea vomit sprays everywhere and it’s just a horror show.

     New love is just icky. You forget a lot of stuff about how to be a dude and I just got my dudeness back. When you meet a new girl for the first time you are no longer a dude. You’re a sock puppet. All you want to do is be with her. She becomes the universe and you are just in her gravitational pull. When my daughter told me I couldn’t date I was like you’re right. I remember how it was when I first fell in love with my wife. I was enamored and she was all I wanted. When I woke up in the morning she was my first thought, I would spend hours with her doing absolutely nothing but cuddling. Yeah, it’s nice but after being married so long you need to reclaim your inner dude. That’s what I’m doing and I’m sure that to some women my playing video games is a bit immature but once I meet the right woman I’ll put the controller down and devote all my time to her.

     Being single has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t need a woman to be happy, Sure they smell good but then you realize they’re Jedi’s that have embraced the dark side and are looking to devour your inner dude. Until I’m ready to commit to a relationship I’m going to stay in the man cave and play video games. I’m not ready to let go of my dudeness yet but woman are amazing and despite the evil they are a voice of reason which all dudes need. The right woman will come along and I’ll be Luke Skywalker and she’ll be my Darth Vader and when she asks me to join the Dark side and we’ll rule the galaxy I won’t say no. Let’s face it when you meet the right girl you’ll feel as if you can conquer the galaxy so it’s a no brainer. The right woman will make you want to change how you’re living and yes, sadly the man cave will be no more. She moves in and suddenly the man cave has frilly curtains and you find yourself wondering what happened. You realize that you are in love and all you want is to sit on the couch watching chick flicks. Ok gotta stop this blog. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

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