When my my wife and I spilt up I was determined to stand on my own. I had this great plan that I intended on following but sometimes things don’t work out as planned. Things that you thought were solid start to crumble making you realize sometimes the plans you made weren’t exactly what God had intended for you. Nothing worse than finding out that the plan you had wasn’t in line without God’s idea. My mom dragged me to her church this afternoon and I was prayed over and what these kind women were saying was dead on accurate. How scary is that? They told me that even though I felt as if God had abandoned me he was there all along and I realized that they were right. While Justin and I were totally broke and had no money coming at all we weren’t starving in fact we were being blessed almost daily with groceries that my mom would bring over.
Some of the things they were saying were things that I had discovered on my own but didn’t want to admit that despite my best efforts I was failing miserably. I never stopped trusting God, and despite my failed marriage I never once blamed God. I’m starting to see that God in fact had a plan for me all along but the problem is that I was too consumed with my own problems that I broke my own promise which was to allow God to in fact be God. I was all about letting God take control and in certain aspects of my life I had succeeded quite well but in other areas I was and am a total failure. I’m human and even though I have a trust in God the human side of me sometimes wonders if God is even there. The thing is he has blessed Justin and I and I have thanked God daily but I just haven’t been honest with myself about how much work I actually need to do.
I need to read my Bible more and beyond that I realized today that God has something huge planned for me. I have noticed that a lot of doors have been closing but they weren’t the ones I thought were going to close and the ones that were appearing to open were in fact the ones that were supposed to close. I also realized that the church I had thought God was leading me to was in fact the wrong one. I think I found my home church today and I feel a pull toward this place and as these kind people prayed over me I kept feeling as if I were home. These were the spiritual connections I had been talking about. God had been guiding me into these areas and trials to show me that I can be source of hope and inspiration to people just like me who are confused, and broken and unsure of where God is. God is always there even when you’re at your weakest and most vulnerable.
Yes, I realize that I am in fact a Christian metal head who is a complete and total mess. I also realize that I am going through a difficult separation but despite all of that God loves me, he has chosen me for something and I am so excited to find out where he places me, who I can minister to and above all else show people that even in their darkest hour God is there. Through him we can draw all of our strength and even when it seems as if no one cares about us His love shines through helping us make it through another day. Today I learned a great deal about myself which I found truly humbling. Despite the fact that I’m a mess God has been preparing me for something I never thought possible.
All I can say is trust God. When you accept that God has a purpose for you there’s no way to run from it, Things will happen in your life that defy logic but there’s always a reason and a purpose. People you thought were coming into your life to stay for awhile suddenly vanish but then it starts to make a bit of sense. I have no idea what God has in store for me but I am so excited and humbled that he would choose me. For so long I have truly ran from it but now I stand with my arms outstretched welcoming Him to lead me wherever he wants me to go. This is one of those journeys I have delayed for as long as possible but God has truly gotten my attention and I’m not running anymore.