Decorating

     I can hear people already groaning about the title of this blog and yep I did promise my loyal readers that I wouldn’t go soft and I assure you that I’m not. It’s just time to decorate the man cave. I know, I know it’s the man cave but it’s so boring and well plain. I have been thinking about what direction I wanted to take and I have no earthly idea. I’m a guy so obviously women automatically think I’m way over my head. The thing people talk most about when they decorate is that there has to be a theme and I say bollocks to that. I am a simple dude and I think I have an idea for my living room. I was at the Family dollar store (see I am a dude) and saw tons of cool stuff for under twenty bucks. That’s the key for me is price. As long it’s cheap and looks good I’m a happy guy, The whole problem with decorating the man cave is that I hate shopping so to actually decorate my house is going to take a lot of shopping. So if I’m going to do this I’m going to have to do it quickly and try and match everything. I say try because I often will shop at Goodwill and there’s always interesting pieces there.

     What theme am I going for? Do I look like Martha Stewart? I have no freaking idea! I figure as long as it would look cool in my living room it works. Case in point I saw this huge red vase at Family Dollar. Don’t have anything that it would match but it was just cool looking. The same with this really gaudy looking antique clock I saw. I just like stuff that looks cool so anything with dragons are skulls will probably end up in my house. That’s not exactly chick friendly but who cares! It’s the man cave. a place where men can be men. I have also heard that there has to be a focal point to the decorating. A focal point? Really? What is that exactly? Do I really want women to come into the house only to spend the entire evening staring at the wall. My self esteem is already hanging by a thread so no thanks.

     I guess if I had to have a theme it would be all about dark colors and comfort. When my wife and I were together we never decorated our homes. There just wasn’t enough hours in the day. We both worked and let’s face it I was a slob but I’m trying really hard to correct that so the decorating is kind of a new direction for me. I think I need project to keep me moving forward and busy. I hate being bored so decorating the man cave is the perfect solution. The problem with decorating the house with the wife is that well, she’s a woman. I love her to death but my ex-wife and I don’t see eye to eye when it comes to decorating. She’s all into flowers and I’m just not. When women decorate everything has to match. It’s a nightmare. Suddenly a simple idea becomes a year long project. It’s no longer fun and you end up bored out of your mind while she’s picking out rugs and curtains.

     Do you realize why men never feel at home in their own home? It’s because their spouse took over the decorating and the living room looks like a rainbow exploded. There’s frilly curtains and overstuffed throw pillows. You can’t be a guy in a room like that. It’s not that we didn’t try. the stuff we liked got shot down so instead of throwing out ideas we just gave up and said; “Whatever you like is fine dear.” That’s why most married couples homes look like a princess castle. We just waved a white flag and surrendered. We had no choice. We were held hostage by lacey curtains and floral prints. Woman don’t appreciate men’s taste. Never had and never will. Women like things that are pretty while guys well at least me I like stuff that’s dark and antique looking.

     Now you see my dilemma. When I actually start decorating the man cave women will no doubt hate it which isn’t the goal at all. After seventeen years of being married and compromising about everything I have full control and I can see it now. I am going to go insane. I already have my first piece and that’s my Beatles portrait. I will find a frame and I am going to hang it up in my living room. I plan on buying two of those tacky vases and just throwing them in various corners of my living room. I also saw these really cool dark maroon curtains that would look pretty cool there too. I’m thinking if I had to pick a color it’s a toss up between dark red or yellow and black. No purples or girlie colors are allowed in the man cave. No flowers or anything that seems inviting to a woman. I think women will understand that I’m a single guy so my house house to reflect that. It’s a rule, I saw it in a book somewhere. The same goes for single woman. Woman and men don’t see eye to eye on most things and that’s why men love woman. Plus they have better body parts.

    I’m a mess so of course the decorating will be an ADD theme. Just a hodgepodge of stuff I picked up in various places. It’ll be tacky but a cool tacky, Not tacky as in hanging fish or deer heads up on the wall. I’m not a redneck and not into hunting. Therefore there won’t be any framed posters of action movies because they bore me. When I watch a movie there has to be a plot and not some dude just randomly shooting people. To me a great film is Taxi Driver or Silence Of The Lambs. So sadly we won’t have any random cowboy themes either because I’m just not into westerns. Anything religious is in. Of course people do go crazy with that and it ends up tacky and scary. There are tasteful ways to share your faith without appearing like a whack job. For some reason I have always been into Catholic artwork. It’s just dark and moody and full of passion. In Catholic artwork it reflects the respect and admiration they have for Christ which reflects my beliefs as well. No I’m not Catholic but it’s always interested me.

     Now women are wondering what is wrong with Dr Peanut? He’s hopeless. I can’t date this guy. He’s into heavy metal, not ready date and quite possibly in love with someone already. On top of that he’s too challenging. He’s daring women to try and change him. That’s gonna take too much work. See, some woman like that though. They see me as a challenge. They want to see if they can not only break me but mold me into what they want me to be. I like that women aren’t threatened by my attitude towards relationships which are rather simple, unnecessary, and a burden. They won’t be angry when I don’t call them every five minutes just to see how they are. This woman will understand that it’s just how I roll. I want a girlfriend not a mother. Don’t expect me to change and be someone I’m not. That’s just not going to happen. Woman have to accept that after being married for so long I just want to be me. I have no idea who I am yet so it’s going to take a lot of patience to date me. It will be frustrating but worth it if you have patience. That’s the key to dating me. Patience. Putting up with this mess that is Dr Peanut.

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