I am, I’m Me

Being cut off from the world isn’t as fun as you might imagine. When you’re separated there’s a lot of responsibility involved. The worst is thing that you’re no longer a part of a team which is at first rather nice but then you quit your job desperation starts to settle in a bit. One of the things I realized is that I took advantage of my wife a bit when we were married. Sure. I was there emotionally and tried to be as supportive of her as I could but I failed miserably when it came to supporting my family. I was warned several times that I should find a job but of course I didn’t. I figured she was working so I could take my time and pretend to look.

What ended up happening was that she lost respect for me. Instead of waiting for me to get a job she stopped loving me and met someone else. I tried to place the blame solely on her. She gave up, she didn’t love me enough, but it was a two way street. I didn’t love her enough or respect her enough to see that my not working was putting way too much stress on her. She grew tired of waiting for me to grow responsible. Due her loss of respect for me I can see that my marriage is truly over. There’s nothing I can do to make her want me again. That truly sucks but it is what it is. I figured I’d use this separation to prove everyone wrong. I would show them that I didn’t need my wife to support me and I could in fact survive on my own. That was the goal. I could get over my wife at some point but the main issue at hand was survival.

Once again I found myself without a job. I hear the collective groan as people start talking about the same patterns remerging. The lack of interest in getting a job. Now though it’s quite different. When my ex-wife started urging me to start looking for a job I was already prepared to do it. My bills were starting to pile in and I was feeling the pressure of not being able to support myself or my son. We were doing quite well but once we lost our cell phones we realized that something had to change. As a single man I no longer had the option to pick and choose a job. I knew that God would provide the job and he did, but I had to take charge and actually look. I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing, I also realized that I couldn’t be picky either. A job is in fact a job and as long as it pays the bills who cares what I do for a living. Maybe, just maybe my ex-wife would see that I did in fact deliver and found a job so she would once again respect me and see me as an equal.

In the movies I would find a job and my wife would come running back home wearing a sexy mini skirt brandishing a bag of Chinese take out. She would kiss me deeply and we would once again be a family unit. My job would save the day! This is real life people. In the real world my getting a job won’t win my wife back, my getting a job won’t make her love me again. Sadly she’s in love with someone else. That used to hurt a lot but now I guess I see it for what it is. He’s doing the one thing I couldn’t which is make her happy. I don’t ever see my wife coming home in a miniskirt, sexy lingerie or even wearing a bow which would be kind of hot. She no longer loves me and I there’s nothing I can do about it.

If anything having a job again helps me to regain my manhood. I lost that and didn’t even realize it until I was going out of my mind with boredom. I had all these hours that I used to fill with my family. I had this hot ex-wife, adorable kids and now I have all these hours to fill and no money to fill it with. Do you realize how many crappy movies I’ve sat through? Do you realize how many Alice Cooper cd’s I’ve listened to? All of them even the crappy new wave ones he did that he doesn’t remember recording. Instead of wondering what my ex-wife and new boyfriend were doing I was wondering when I was going to get out of the house. I don’t even have enough money to buy model airplanes, or jigsaw puzzles. I wasn’t showering and was starting to eat a lot. When you’re bored you find that eating becomes something to kill the time.

Once they cut off my cell phone I began to realize that I had to man up. Take charge. Forget about the hot ex-wife and do what I’m supposed to do and that’s work. Pay the bills, find a new hot girlfriend who will occasionally come over brandishing a bag of Chinese takeout. Maybe even see a movie with my son. Have a night out. No more wasting away the hours in front of the television. I am going nuts! I am tried of being in the man cave. At this point I would love to go to Wal-Mart and just watch the crazy people. Am I the only one that enjoys that? It doesn’t even have to be Wal-mart. Any store will do. Just take an afternoon and go to any store and you’ll be amazed at how many crazy people are out there. Parents beating their kids, domestic arguments, and even the occasional clean up in aisle five due an elderly person knocking things off shelves with her little scooter.

The saddest part of this blog is that soon I’ll have a job and the a new job I would love to take my ex-wife out. Not on a romantic date mind you but an evening out in which I actually pay for dinner and just spend an evening hearing her talk and laugh. You have no idea how long it’s been since I was the one paying for dinner. I won’t even talk, in fact I would just spend the entire evening listening to her talk and afterward I would bid her a good night without a kiss. She would go back to her boyfriend and I would return to the man cave thrilled that I was able to spend an evening with such a captivating woman. We all need to spend an evening with an amazing woman. A woman who is not only beautiful but charming, and has the ability to make you stop breathing when she looks into your eyes. A woman like that is rare so when you find her hold onto her and don’t let go.

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Movie Night In The Man Cave

     It’s true I’m not a big fan of chick flicks. Being married for so long you do have to occasionally watch them though. It’s all a part of the marriage vows. It’s right in there with the whole in sickness and in health part. As a kid I was an avid reader and my mother used to have tons and tons of these romance books lying around so occasionally I would look for other things to read and I would try to read them. The problem with them is that they’re unrealistic and give women the wrong idea. Young women are reading these and thinking that this is how love is supposed to be and in the world it doesn’t actually work that way. Men aren’t perfect and for the most part we just aren’t that romantic. We try, God bless us we try but the problem is that we’re men so our clumsy attempt at romance usually comes off silly and totally opposite what we had intended.

    What man talks like that all the time? As a guy I can write a pretty decent love letter but that’s only because I’ve been writing stories for so long it’s just something I’m good at and kind of have an idea of what women want to hear. Women want honesty, they want to be noticed, and above all they want to be swept off their feet. I can do some of that but if I was full on Fabio all the time I would feel foolish and let’s face it women would get tired of it. As a guy we are expected to look foolish and occasionally screw up a romantic date by saying the wrong the thing. That’s because we’re men. We’re supposed to screw up and occasionally set things on fire. It’s who we are. That’s why women love us.

     That’s why I hate chick flicks. It’s just an hour of my life that I’ll never get back. The plots are always the same and you can tell what’s going to happen within the first five minutes. It’s worse than torture. I also find myself bored by action films as well. I know I’m a dude but seriously action films are terrible. I tried to watch a Jean Claude Van Damme movie once and I fell asleep, There was no plot at all which bothered me. It was an hour of explosions and gun fights. I did like From Paris With Love but is that considered an action movie?

     As I sit home bored and broke I am drawn back to the films that I actually love. I am all about story, and characters that you aren’t supposed to like but do just because they’re real. You may not know someone like them, and a lot of times there’s not a whole lot of redeeming characteristics in them but you’re drawn to them and end up watching the movie because of them. Leaving Las Vegas is one of those movies. Not exactly a date movie but it’s one of those movies I’ve seen a hundred times, Ben and Sera are two of the most screwed up people you will ever see but they fall in love despite the fact that he’s a drunk who comes to Vegas to drink himself to death and she’s a hooker. Despite that they fall in love.

     My taste in movies will no doubt drive most women nuts. When you look at some of my favorite movies it’s just baffling. Little Children which is about two married people who are stuck in marriages that they have grown to realize aren’t exactly working out, and a sub plot about a guy who is recently released from prison and is a child molester. Unfaithful which again is about a woman having an affair and her husband actually finds out, Wait I’m sensing a pattern here. No, I don’t advocate cheating on your spouse but these are stories that draw you in because you don’t want to like these characters but you end up drawn to the story. I am all about drama and stories that sometimes don’t have a happy ending. In real life the bottom usually falls out and nothing works out like it’s supposed to. I am drawn to characters that are terribly flawed simply because they’re honest. They don’t try to gloss it over or pretend to be something they aren’t because in all honesty they can’t, it’s just not in them.

     I don’t think the woman I date will even appreciate Star Wars or even a movie like Sex, Lies And Videotape and that’s okay. I like that when people ask me what my top ten favorite movies are and they get that odd look when you rattle off Taxi Driver, Fatal Attraction, Leaving Las Vegas, True Crime, House OF 1000 Corpses, Death To Smoochy, The Weatherman, Little Children, Revolutionary Road, The Wrestler, and I could go on. The point is that I know that I’m not a typical guy. I’m supposed to be fascinated by explosions and cheesy dialogue but in all honesty how much stuff can you blow up? There were times I would get all excited about a movie and my wife would hate it. The movie would be all slow, and unexciting yet the story was what made the movie interesting. Is anybody else like that?

     I want a movie that will suck you in for an hour or two and just make you want to forget about the world outside, I like dialogue that you can repeat to strangers and it fits into whatever you’re talking about. When I watch a movie and Kate Winslett is telling Leonardo that she doesn’t love him, in fact she loathes him and if he touches her again she’ll scream you can feel that hatred rolling off her and you believe it. A movie doesn’t have to have explosions, or crappy dialogue to be good. All I need are a few flawed characters or an interesting plot and I’m a happy guy.

Hello Hooray!

   I’ve been gone awhile and I guess I should apologize for my long absence. How long has it been? Two weeks? Three? There has to be a logical and sound explanation right? Was I burned out? Did I get sucked into a manhole and become lost in the catacombs of Barberton? Better yet did I meet some nice girl and runaway to Vegas and elope? That would be illegal because I’m still married and I can barely handle the thought of having a girlfriend so you can imagine what the thought of marriage does to me. Makes me break out in a rash that makes me itchy and nauseous. I am waiting for my coffee trying to think of some excuse as to why I haven’t blogged in awhile because the truth is rather boring.

     I was taking classes on stalking. It’s an in depth course that teaches you the fine art of lurking and peering into windows at odd hours. You also learn the perfect breathing technique so when you call the stalkee and can’t talk you just breath at her hoping she’ll learn who you are through osmosis. Nothing says you’re hopelessly in love with someone than stalking. If you ask her out and she says no stalk her. Send her creepy gifts like your hair in a romantic card or a doll made out of corn cobs. She’ll be freaked out but soon she’ll have to love you because you are persistent. Women love persistence and dedication.

     I have always wanted a stalker. They are so full of love and devotion it just warms my heart thinking about it. I don’t want a scary I will kill you while you sleep stalker just one of the harmless ones that write little notes letting you know that they’re watching you or when you’re out with another girl they just randomly appear as if they weren’t following you. I want a stalker that hangs out in the bushes and watches the house and is so in love with you that she’ll pop out her eyeballs like olives and put them on toothpicks and overnight them to me UPS. When you have a dedicated stalker who needs a restraining order? Don’t they always ignore them anyway? My stalker will always be there to let me know that if she could she would wear my skin on her birthday or show me a doll she made of me with needles stuck in it. She loves me so much the though of me being with another woman forces her to punch herself in the face until she’s either bleeding or knocked out.

     What about jealous girlfriends? Aren’t those a riot? I’m talking the kind of girl that will read all of your texts and threaten any woman who texts you with violence if she texts me again. If she even sees me talking to another woman it would cause her to flip out in a jealous rage that will scare the shit out of you or anyone else within mere inches of me. Jealous girlfriends are fun because they will randomly ask you if you love them and if you stall they then assume that you’re either lying or cheating and then will demand to know who the other woman is so she can kick her ass. With a jealous girlfriend you can’t have Facebook either because the jealous girlfriend will scare away all your female friends and who just wants a bunch of dudes as their Facebook friends? Possessive girlfriends are hard to spot because when you meet the they seem so harmless but once you start dating they will refuse to let you go anywhere or even watch television because it’s all about them and their needs. You have to learn to blankly stare forward and God help you if you’re nice to anyone other woman because then the jealous girlfriend will assume you wanna hit that.

     Have you ever kissed a woman and you open your eyes and see the girl staring at you? That has got to be the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. I was all into the moment and just opened my eyes for a second and almost screamed. It’s not something you expect at all. Why would someone do that? The worst is waking up and seeing your wife or girlfriend staring at you while you’re sleeping. When I go to sleep I want to feel safe and when you glance over there they are propped up smiling and staring at you. “What the hell are you doing?” They always sigh and say watching you sleep. Why? Did I suddenly stop breathing? If you’re going to do that at least be ninja about it. If I do it it’s not noticeable but the second I see that I’m wondering if the chick is suddenly going to whip out a knife and start stabbing me. It’s creepy and not at all romantic.

    Why do women feel that it’s necessary to call every twenty minutes? Has shit changed that much that you have to call just to get an update? If I’m watching a movie leave me alone please. My life isn’t exciting enough to warrant a twenty minute update. Please don’t call to tell me you’re thinking about me because I’m a guy. I have also have ADD so I don’t think in normal patterns. I get distracted easily so I can’t tell you that I’m thinking about you. I would be a liar. I am great at lying though. I can make a woman think she is the most important person on the planet even though she isn’t. Women crave attention so why not give it to them? If a woman tells you she’s had a bad day take five minutes of your time and listen to what she has to say. I’m awesome at making a woman feel appreciated and loved but the second I hang up the phone she isn’t given a second thought until she calls again in twenty minutes.

    The real reason I haven’t blogged is because I’ve been too broke to pay my bills. See I thought when I got separated it would be a cake walk. Be your own boss, play shitloads of video games but no it’s a pain in the ass because you have to pay bills and be responsible for everything that goes wrong. You can’t blame someone else if your life turns to shit because there is no one else. It is pretty rad when your phone gets cut off because the silence is pretty rad but then boredom sets in and I was going out of my mind. No internet, nothing. I almost ran out of food which isn’t fun. That’s why I’ve been gone so long. I wasn’t stalking anyone or doing someone else’s wife or mother I have been hunkered in the man cave worrying about money but those days are gone and I am finally able to do what I was doing before I became broke. Absolutely nothing.