I’ve been gone awhile and I guess I should apologize for my long absence. How long has it been? Two weeks? Three? There has to be a logical and sound explanation right? Was I burned out? Did I get sucked into a manhole and become lost in the catacombs of Barberton? Better yet did I meet some nice girl and runaway to Vegas and elope? That would be illegal because I’m still married and I can barely handle the thought of having a girlfriend so you can imagine what the thought of marriage does to me. Makes me break out in a rash that makes me itchy and nauseous. I am waiting for my coffee trying to think of some excuse as to why I haven’t blogged in awhile because the truth is rather boring.
I was taking classes on stalking. It’s an in depth course that teaches you the fine art of lurking and peering into windows at odd hours. You also learn the perfect breathing technique so when you call the stalkee and can’t talk you just breath at her hoping she’ll learn who you are through osmosis. Nothing says you’re hopelessly in love with someone than stalking. If you ask her out and she says no stalk her. Send her creepy gifts like your hair in a romantic card or a doll made out of corn cobs. She’ll be freaked out but soon she’ll have to love you because you are persistent. Women love persistence and dedication.
I have always wanted a stalker. They are so full of love and devotion it just warms my heart thinking about it. I don’t want a scary I will kill you while you sleep stalker just one of the harmless ones that write little notes letting you know that they’re watching you or when you’re out with another girl they just randomly appear as if they weren’t following you. I want a stalker that hangs out in the bushes and watches the house and is so in love with you that she’ll pop out her eyeballs like olives and put them on toothpicks and overnight them to me UPS. When you have a dedicated stalker who needs a restraining order? Don’t they always ignore them anyway? My stalker will always be there to let me know that if she could she would wear my skin on her birthday or show me a doll she made of me with needles stuck in it. She loves me so much the though of me being with another woman forces her to punch herself in the face until she’s either bleeding or knocked out.
What about jealous girlfriends? Aren’t those a riot? I’m talking the kind of girl that will read all of your texts and threaten any woman who texts you with violence if she texts me again. If she even sees me talking to another woman it would cause her to flip out in a jealous rage that will scare the shit out of you or anyone else within mere inches of me. Jealous girlfriends are fun because they will randomly ask you if you love them and if you stall they then assume that you’re either lying or cheating and then will demand to know who the other woman is so she can kick her ass. With a jealous girlfriend you can’t have Facebook either because the jealous girlfriend will scare away all your female friends and who just wants a bunch of dudes as their Facebook friends? Possessive girlfriends are hard to spot because when you meet the they seem so harmless but once you start dating they will refuse to let you go anywhere or even watch television because it’s all about them and their needs. You have to learn to blankly stare forward and God help you if you’re nice to anyone other woman because then the jealous girlfriend will assume you wanna hit that.
Have you ever kissed a woman and you open your eyes and see the girl staring at you? That has got to be the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. I was all into the moment and just opened my eyes for a second and almost screamed. It’s not something you expect at all. Why would someone do that? The worst is waking up and seeing your wife or girlfriend staring at you while you’re sleeping. When I go to sleep I want to feel safe and when you glance over there they are propped up smiling and staring at you. “What the hell are you doing?” They always sigh and say watching you sleep. Why? Did I suddenly stop breathing? If you’re going to do that at least be ninja about it. If I do it it’s not noticeable but the second I see that I’m wondering if the chick is suddenly going to whip out a knife and start stabbing me. It’s creepy and not at all romantic.
Why do women feel that it’s necessary to call every twenty minutes? Has shit changed that much that you have to call just to get an update? If I’m watching a movie leave me alone please. My life isn’t exciting enough to warrant a twenty minute update. Please don’t call to tell me you’re thinking about me because I’m a guy. I have also have ADD so I don’t think in normal patterns. I get distracted easily so I can’t tell you that I’m thinking about you. I would be a liar. I am great at lying though. I can make a woman think she is the most important person on the planet even though she isn’t. Women crave attention so why not give it to them? If a woman tells you she’s had a bad day take five minutes of your time and listen to what she has to say. I’m awesome at making a woman feel appreciated and loved but the second I hang up the phone she isn’t given a second thought until she calls again in twenty minutes.
The real reason I haven’t blogged is because I’ve been too broke to pay my bills. See I thought when I got separated it would be a cake walk. Be your own boss, play shitloads of video games but no it’s a pain in the ass because you have to pay bills and be responsible for everything that goes wrong. You can’t blame someone else if your life turns to shit because there is no one else. It is pretty rad when your phone gets cut off because the silence is pretty rad but then boredom sets in and I was going out of my mind. No internet, nothing. I almost ran out of food which isn’t fun. That’s why I’ve been gone so long. I wasn’t stalking anyone or doing someone else’s wife or mother I have been hunkered in the man cave worrying about money but those days are gone and I am finally able to do what I was doing before I became broke. Absolutely nothing.