Rambling’s of a fat single dude

          The life of a single guy isn’t all that bad when you truly think about it. It all boils down to the type of person you are and how much damage you can do to yourself. I’m responsible so for me going out every night and drinking until I’m sick doesn’t actually sound all that fun. I‘m not going to lie and say I haven’t thought about it because I have. I have walked past many a cases of beer and thought to myself that one of these days I’m going to get really really drunk. So drunk that when I speak I create my own alphabet and when I  vomit it sounds like I’m singing. There’s two ways you can drink. You can get drunk which is fine for most people but I prefer to get completely hammered. Drunk to me isn’t good enough. Being hammered is another beast entirely. Being hammered you tend to trip over curbs, bump into stuff and say excuse me. I have been hammered. So hammered I managed to almost decapitate myself with a clothesline. When you’re simply drunk you never almost take your own head off. You have to be hammered to do that. Not only did I almost take my own head off but in the fight I managed to get tangled up in the dang thing and then get angry at it for not allowing me to leave.

     I really admire those that can drink and have a self control button. They can drink and there comes a point where a voice in your head says; “You really need to stop.” I have a self destruct button. When I drink I just can’t stop. My voice yells; “Chug, chug, chug.” It’s a good thing I’m not a violent drunk. I usually dance with lamps or sled down stairs. If you wonder why I never go out that’s the reason. I’m better off at home and besides I don’t like outside very much. I’m just not a people person. Never have been. If I’m stuck in a room full of people I’ll be at a table all by my lonesome observing the chaos around me. If forced to I’ll interact but once the have to part is over I’m back by myself just chilling. People confuse me due to their needs and wants. Why is it important for me to know your entire life history? All I said was hello. Suddenly we’re buddies that have known each other for years. In all honesty it’s been two minutes and I already know more than I want to.

     Did you ever notice that the frozen food aisle at your local grocery store is the greatest place on earth? If you’re single why cook mad amounts of food that will rot in your fridge? For some reason people assume that just because I’m single I can’t cook. I did all the cooking for my family so now I’m taking a break. I see the frozen food section I get giddy. If a woman looks in my cart she looks a bit disgusted because not one thing on that little conveyor belt at the check out is healthy unless you count the Twinkies. Even the check out clerk gets that glazed over look in her eye as if all the cholesterol from my food just entered her body. The thing is if I’m ever in the mood I can cook whatever I put my mind to. It’s a lot easier to grab a frozen BBQ chicken pizza and throw it in the oven. Fifteen minutes dinners done. I have noticed that I haven’t eaten too many vegetables since my wife and I split up. Maybe that’s why the checkout lady looked so ill. There were Dorito’s, frozen pizzas, cookies, Twinkies, Encore family meals, some shake N’ Bake, and stadium mustard.

     It’s gotten so bad if my own mother goes shopping with me she will head right to the freezer section. How predictable and sad is that? My mother even asked me if I ever cooked and I was like; “I’m single. This works.” She knows that I go through two cartons of ice cream a week, she also knows what my favorite frozen pizza’s are. It’s gotten so funny that she will talk about my shopping trips to the lady who runs a weight watchers at her church. Am I getting fat? Duh! I’m just now getting back to work and all I’ve done since December is play video games and eat. It’s not gotten too noticeable yet I know it’s there. When women see me unloading my groceries they can see that I’m single. What wife in her right mind would allow me to do the shopping? I’m a heart attack waiting to happen. I’m sure some of these women find my cart amusing while some are quit shocked by what I’m buying. I can’t approach women at a grocery store due to my appalling eating habits. I have become a single guy that really doesn’t care what I eat as long as it can be shoved inside an oven or microwave. If I do somehow start dating my body will go into shock if she cooks for me. I ate a salad today and my body was freaking out. Once I started on the pizza though things returned to normal.

     I also found that I am perfectly content being by myself. Thankfully I’m an avid reader that doesn’t like to go outside too much. I found a nice bookstore and I am content. I now know that there’s a place close by where I can blow thirty dollars and it doesn’t involve women taking off their clothes or me getting drunk and falling down the stairs due to my legs suddenly deciding that they forgot what they were supposed to do which is hold me up. I’m a boring dude that prefers to lounge on the sofa reading or watching a horror movie. That’s how I roll. I’ve always been like that though. It’s funny how I discovered this book store and I was all excited and wanted to run up and down the aisles. I wonder if alcoholics do that when they discover a new bar? You can always tell a bookstore is gonna be rad by the smell. You don’t get that musty book smell from Borders or Waldenbooks. You only get that in hometown used  bookstores and the library. It’s the best smell in the world and I am going back soon and stock up on the Patricia Cornwell books I need to finish my collection. As a single guy I have rediscovered how much I love books and that’ even better than getting hammered.

    

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