Divorce

     Have you ever had to shop for a divorce? I say shop because you don’t want to get a divorce and find that you paid too much. What I didn’t realize is that it actually costs more to end a marriage than it does to begin one. To get married all you really need is wide eyed optimism and the belief that this is the person that you actually want to spend the rest of your life with. You shop for a divorce the same way you shop for a house a house or a car. You talk price and you get a feel for this guy. If you want to really want to put the screws to your intended ex-spouse you get a pit bull in a suit. When I was thrown out of my house I was cool about it. I just took my stuff and left the the TV, the DVD player and everything else there. People would say that I was entitled to raid my house like a pirate considering what my ex-wife did to me but my kids mean the world to me so if she’s keeping the kids she should also keep all of our stuff. Why be nasty to the kids? They’re suffering enough as it is. They keep thinking my wife and I are getting back together and that the dude mommy is living with is going to just step aside and we’re going to be a family again. Not going to happen. Too much damage there and in all honesty neither of us want to be together anyway.

     As I was contacting lawyers I thought about cavemen and how easy they had it. They saw someone they liked they hit them with a club or a rock and they were married. If they wanted out of the marriage they would do the same thing or just push them in front of a T-Rex and they were eaten. Problem solved. They didn’t need lawyers and they lived a simple life. They hunted, invented stuff and never had to worry about things like divorce or child support. In fact if they didn’t like the kids they would just shove them into the path of an oncoming T-Rex. When a cave person liked someone they would just hit them. I thought about going into the backyard and getting a stick just to whack the crap out of my ex-wife but it wouldn’t look good when we meet up with a lawyer. “Let me get this straight Dr. Peanut, you hit your wife with a stick?” I would nod and say that I did but I was just filing for divorce. Thank God we don’t live in an area with dinosaurs.

     Did you know that there are countries where if you even think about leaving your spouse the villagers actually drag you out of your house and beat the crap out of you until you decide to stay? There is no divorce. You cheat on your spouse or even think about leaving the villagers curb stomp you. It’s not just the men either. Women get the same treatment which is kinda messed up because I don’t condone violence toward women even if they sometimes deserve it. I was raised to respect women and to leave things up to God and Karma. I guess in that country the divorce rate is really low and no wonder. You can’t say anything about leaving or having “the talk” which basically means someone is getting the boot. It’s not even a talk really, it’s a decision. Someone decided that they wanted out of the marriage and nothing you can say is going to change his or her mind. Of course in that country no one gets out of the marriage without a fight. You want to leave you better make sure it’s early in the morning and you can run like the wind.

      The problem with this society is that we’re greedy. We have needs that need to be met and if they aren’t met you’re a horrible person for not understanding or even trying to meet them. What if your needs are unreasonable or even retarded? I guess you should at some point stop being so needy or at least lower your expectations. Of course we always meet someone who we think is better than our spouse but when we wake up miserable and alone we often wonder why we left in the first place. I have reached a point in my life where I don’t dwell on anything. I am just moving forward and the divorce was the next logical step. I figured since she’s already moved in with another dude why in the hell should I stay married to her? It’s embarrassing really. No one ever thought that I would divorce her because I truly loved her and was willing to try anything to get her back but I was an idiot. Now the whole filing for divorce is my way of saying enjoy the new boyfriend if it doesn’t work out sucks to be you. Now that me and Mrs. Peanut are divorcing maybe the kids will somehow understand that we’re done. No more family and it’s all mommy’s fault. I don’t hate my ex-wife, but I have lost all respect for her which is sad because we’ve been together so long I never thought I’d say that. Could I ever regain that respect or even trust her? Doubtful. There has to be an effort made and she will never do it. She has the new boyfriend and she’s okay with her decisions no matter how slimy they appear to be.

     The cool thing about our divorce is that it’s civil. The lawyers have asked me the same questions which I guess are pretty standard. Do you have custody arrangements? Yes; Are you paying child support; Yes I was. It’s a civil divorce which means we both sign and it’s over. We shake hands I got to the man cave and get hammered and she goes back to her boyfriend and does whatever it is that they do. We have nothing to fight over. I have just reached a point where I don’t want to be married to this woman anymore. I just can’t afford to divorce her so I’m kind of stuck in limbo but at least I started shopping for a divorce and I know exactly what it involves. I wonder if I’ll be this thorough when I decide to start dating again? Why even bother with the formalities. If I see a woman I’ll just grab a big stick and beat the snot out of her, and then drag her back to the man cave by her hair. What about when you were in kindergarten? You had a crush on a girl you just sucker punched her. that wasn’t assault back then that was love. If she hit you back it was a mutual deal and you were a couple. When did dating become so complicated? Why is divorce so expensive? I guess there are always some things in this life that never will make sense.

 

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