It’s interesting when you tell people that you’re tired they always assume for some reason that you’re depressed. Think about it. When these helpful folks tell you just how depressed you are do a quick mental rundown of what you’re doing that week or even that day and see if it actually matches what they’re telling you. I’ve noticed that people who are unhappy with the way their own lives are going will tell you that you’re unhappy and you must be just as unhappy and miserable as they are.
I was under a great deal of pressure at last week. I took inventory and realized that sure, I was unhappy with how my entire month had gone but instead of whining or even crying about it I manned up and did what I was supposed to do. What I had experienced was a wake up call and a temporary solution. In life we always have choices. We can either (A) accept them and do nothing or (B) Make a real effort to make changes so that the situation will improve.
Depression happens only when you accept defeat and allow yourself to stop moving forward. To be depressed is to admit that you have run out of ideas. No amount of prayer or faith in God will allow you to rise above the pickle you’re in because in your mind there is no way out. I have seen people in the last month that are full of hopelessness and have accepted that where they are is where they must stay. In order to really make changes in our lives we must accept that all things that happen in our lives are only temporary. Nothing is written in stone. We have the ability to rise above and beyond what ever is happening in our lives.
I simply ran out of money so I did what I had to do. I signed up for public assistance. Yep, I was on welfare for a couple of months not because I was lazy mind you, I had simply ran out of money and options. I knew that I had a job waiting for me but I had to do something to ensure that I wouldn’t starve. I could have been depressed and cried out; “God! Why are you allowing me to do this?” Instead I sucked it up and did what I had to do to feed myself and my son.
What that experience taught me was that I needed to be responsible. See, if I hadn’t run out of money I wouldn’t have learned how to take care of business. I have learned how to grocery shop, but I have never had to prepare myself for interviews or actually save every shred of paperwork that has my name on it. I learned from welfare that while they say they will prepare you for a job well they’re lying. Had it not been for the job I knew I had I would have lost my mind. See, the welfare program was designed to keep you from seeking employment and that sucks away all your hope.
I did learn that I you have to prepare for things. I start a new job on Wednesday and there’s a piece of paper that I need to have my employer fill out. The old me would have procrastinated until I started work and then I would have gone back to welfare and get the paper that I needed filled out. I see myself changing not to win my wife back mind you, but to be a more organized person. I had to get help for my utilities and you would not believe how much stuff you need. The old me would have waited until the very last moment and then gathered all the paperwork hoping that it was what I needed.
I have noticed that in the last five months I have proved to myself that I am a new man. I am more organized, more aware of what I need to do and I’m becoming self-reliant which is what I really what I wanted to achieve. I relied so much on my ex-wife that I was scared to death to even make appointments for fear that I wasn’t going to be prepared. What happened was amazing. I became over prepared. I take inventory of my freezer before going to the grocery store, when I leave my house I always make sure my wallet is in my bag and if I don’t have my bag I am a basket case. If I get a late notice on a bill I make sure I call whatever utility is and make sure they know that a payment is forthcoming.
Back to the original theme which was depression. I have been too stressed out to be depressed. A new job was looming on the horizon and I was scared that I was somehow going to fail even before I started. I was tired but not depressed. I have tried to move away from being my ex-wife’s friend not because I was angry at her or even hated her, I just wanted to experience life on my own. By not asking her for advice I had lost a huge support system. For the first time ever I was relying on me. I have never done that before so all these appointments and what not were a new experience and I did it alone. That made me feel as if I had somehow became a new man. Like Frank Sinatra said; “I did it my way.” If I had somehow screwed up I couldn’t call my ex-wife and say this was all your fault your advice was horrible.
I’m a single guy now and I’m not depressed. I’m too busy to be depressed. My ex-wife somehow thinks that because we aren’t together all I do is huddle under my blankets and hope that we get back together. I have too much going on to even think about us getting back together. I have an exciting new job that I am looking forward to starting and I’m still trying to figure out who I am and what it is I want. I am evolving as a new Dr Peanut and it’s important to change because I am a lot happier relying on myself. I no longer second guess myself which is an amazing feat. I know that at the end of the day I’ve made the right choices because I made them on my own without anyone’s help.