I have to adress a comment that my dear friend Chosen left because I thought about it and thought some more and I just couldn’t write back a small comment because I adore Chosen and she deserves a bit of blog time.
She said that I’m a bit like Job and I agree with her because Job was really tested by God. Plauges, famine, you name it Job got it. Satan was under the impression that the more Job suffered the less he’d rely on God.
The crazy thing was that Job never caved. Through all the shit God handed him Job still praised God. I guess the fucked up part is that Chosen’s right. I am a bit like Job. I have all this shit thrown at me yet everybody keeps saying just trust God.
Fuck God. If God was trying to teach me patience, or humility he wouldn’t have allowed my house to burn. If God wanted my adoration he picked the wrong lesson because I don’t get it. I trusted God and look where it got me. Nowhere. Fuck your Lord and your Christ, I have nothing left to give.
If I were Job I would calmly wave and say ya know what? Screw you I quit. I got nothing. You allowed it all to burn. Where’s that divine intervention everyone’s babbling about? I got fucked over.
I also want to say love sucks. It’s all total bullshit. There are no soul mates, no happily ever afters it’s a fucking illusion created by people that are too scared to die alone. We allow ourselves to buy into this ideology of forever but if it actually existed would we need divorce lawyers?
Love was invented by poets who thought that love truly existed but in the end hate become the winning emotion. Poets actually talk about love being akin to death. When it ends it nearly kills you. Who wants that shit?
I exist and that’s it. I’m not depressed because I’m able to function and don’t have a black cloud of doom hanging over my shiny head. I don’t believe in love because I’m fucked and broken, and no one is going to piece me back together because too many pieces are missing.
I look back on what has happened to me over the years and I can actually tell you when the pieces fell away. I was able to piece them back together but after this I’m not so sure I can be fixed.
I like who I am at this moment. I like being bitter, and broken, and angry. It’s how I know I’m alive. I don’t need a girlfriend to feel whole because I’m not whole and doubt that I’ll ever recover from this.
Does it get easier? Of course but I doubt that I’ll ever heal. I can’t give a part of myself to someone if it doesn’t exist. So I refuse to fall in love because I’m not happy and loath the idea of love being some saving grace.
What if I can’t be saved? What if this dark and broken and fucked person is all that I have left? I can’t allow myself to believe in something I don’t have faith in. Love and God are the enemy and for anyone hoping that I can inspire or encourage you I got nothin’. I can’t even save myself so therefore I can’t save you.
I have no hope, no faith, and just the belief that at some point it will get better but I can’t just be who I used to be. It isn’t possible and that scares people but it’s all I have left. I want to quit but I have a best friend who refuses to let me. I tried to hide but she kept popping up and if it weren’t for her I’d be huddled under my covers.
I have discovered who my real friends are and as you read this last paragraph you know who you are. Even my exwife has been pretty rad throughout all this and it’s fucked up because we both lost something. Thanks for putting up with me you persistent people you.
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