Moving slowly forward

      Elton John said that sorry seems to be the hardest word to say but I say screw Elton John, screw him in his fruity booty. He’s right though. Aside from I love you sorry is the word we want to hear more than any other word in the English language. People actually wait their entire lives to hear it only to die waiting.
     We as humans need to have confirmation that someone has done wrong so sorry is the only word that’ll fix it. Even a half ass sorry will sometimes work because all we wanted was some sort of acknowledgment that someone made a mistake or wronged us.
     My thing was that an apology was neccessary for me to move forward. I was realistic in dealing with the sad fact that I may never get it but I was ok with that. Problem was how could I resolve all the issues I was dealing with if I never got what I so desperately needed?
     I had no answers because I was so confused with all of these conflicting emotions. Extreme hatred, sadness, betrayal. You name it and I’ve felt it and in some instances within the space of a few minutes. It sucks but when you take a look at what I’ve been through it’s perfectly normal.
     When you stop feeling that’s when you have a problem. I just felt a little too much and at times I wished I were numb but every morning I’d wake up and I’d be depressed and then sad and then pissed off again so I knew I was ok. I didn’t need therapy just time to sort through who the hell I was.
     When my ex-wife told me that our son wanted me to call him I couldn’t breath for a minute. I had decided that I needed to see him but talking to him on the phone truly brought out all those feelings and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. There was so much and damn if I wasn’t pissed off again.
     Making that phone call was difficult because I wanted to hear two words, just two words but what if I didn’t hear them? Have you ever wanted something so badly that the anxiety tickles both your feet? That’s exactly how I felt as I dialed that number. I prayed for my phone to catch fire or maybe a choking baby would suddenly appear so I didn’t have to make that call.
     A month is a long time especially when my son’s in the Orienna house for arson and I’m slowly trying to make sense of it all. Neither of us are the same people we once were but this is who we are. We’re both a bit broken and unsure of where we stand with one another. Sadly, this could have been avoided but this our reality.
     As we talked I got what I wanted. The words I’m sorry lifted all of that anger and bitterness and I knew that I could now begin to heal. I may never forgive him but at least I got some closure. I’m still hurt and heart broken but those words sounded so good to me.
     When he said he didn’t want me to be angry at him anymore I started crying because I suddenly understood that we both needed something. It wasn’t until I started writing this that I realized what that was. While I was shattered and angry, and bitter he was afraid that he had lost his father. He needed to know that I still loved him and that at some point I’d visit him.
      He may be an adult but at the same time he’s just a scared little boy that needs his father. I don’t think he understands the full impact of what he’s done but life is full of surprises. I needed an apology and he needed to know that I didn’t hate him. We both needed something and we each got what we wanted.
     Life is full of moments that either break us or strengthen us. I know that each day it does get easier but how can I expect anyone to help put me back together. I’m learning that there are these amazing moments that I wish I could hold onto and make last longer because it reminds me that despite all the pain and heartache I can be happy.
     I like being happy. Maybe I’m not so broken after all. Maybe there’s still a small piece of the old me buried under all this bitterness and anger. Happy is good, real good.

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One thought on “Moving slowly forward

  1. Wow…reading through tears isnt easy. You are very right. Closure is good, healing is better and happy is the best. I see it in your eyes and i know it’s there. Keep a hold of it and dont let go. 🙂

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