From the mind Spews Mental Vomit

     Growing up I’ve always been a people watcher. It sounds almost creepy when I just say it without explaining it and I guess it does. What exactly do I mean when I say I watch people? Am I looking for victims to drag into my death cellar where they will become my human pets?
     No, that’s not the reason at all and I may have a twisted imagination but that’s just a little too fucked up even for me. I don’t kill people and my people watching is never intentional I swear.
     The first time I became interested in watching people was at Rolling Acres Mall as a kid and I was on a bench just relaxing when I saw a woman coming out of a store with purpose. I could tell she was pissed just by her body language alone, and soon after some dude came out holding what I assumed were her purchases.
      What intrigued me was just how angry she was. He’d tried to grab her arm, she’d shrug it off and he’d gesticulate like most guys would. She was embarrassing him yet he wasn’t going to make a scene so he followed like a puppy who had shit on the carpet and wanted some sort of attention from its owner.
     I was hooked and even now I’ll sit outside just waiting for shit to pop off. Fights, lonliness, despair, it’s all in how we carry ourselves. We may want to hide how we feel yet our body language always gives us away. I love a good argument when no words are spoken.
     People for some reason are always giving away too much information about themselves and try a bit too hard to be liked. I don’t know why some people feel compelled to tell you that their cat ate a bunch of beans and its asshole exploded. I just met this person and within five minutes I get the asshole story. That’s not right and that story should not be a topic of conversation for anyone.
One of the things I learned from observing people is that there is that desire to be liked by everyone which breaks off Individuality. Instead of being comfortable in their own skin they become like sheep and conform to others standards and have none of their own.
Through reading and observing I splintered off from the desire to be like everyone else and formed my opinions and views which created a variety of problems. Once you splinter off and become comfortable with yourself it offends people. No one understands why there’s a desire to be singular and not a sheep.
Being a loner wasn’t a choice I ever made. It just made sense because I had accepted that I was who I was and no one was going to mold me into who they thought I should be. It took me a long time to discover who I was. I took pieces from others, and ideas from various books I had read and become myself. Never had I compromised and I think that scared people.
I was above the cliques and the ideologies that permeated my youth. That splintering enabled me to be an adult without clutching onto the same mentality I had carried around as a child. I knew the world around me was a scary place and that people for the most part are going to use you for a variety of reasons.
By splintering and forming my own opinions and ideas I grew accustomed to not trusting anyone. I saw how trust can be used against you so I avoided it. I never had many friends and I choose that because friendship to me had always been a burden. I just can’t be that open with anyone.
I urge everyone to think for themselves and to not be scared that having their own opinion is going to somehow offend someone. We can’t be like sheep and follow the herd. When you follow the herd you have a greater risk of dying.
When I decided to blog I thought hell why not? It’d be fun but of course you always have that fear that somehow somone is going to get offended or not even read what you’ve written. It doesn’t matter. If you write what you’re thinking and just allow the voices in your head to guide you it all works out in the end.
Have I learned anything from my splintering? Of course I have. Trust isn’t always a bad thing and if you have to second guess anything it’s not worth doing. I also have learned through a variety of tragedies that you do survive and in that survival comes a harder shell.
We can never ever just give up. If you give up you’ve allowed that situation to win. The most fun you can have is by proving everyone wrong. They say you can’t and I say sure I can and by the way, fuck you for not believing in me.

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One thought on “From the mind Spews Mental Vomit

  1. I believe in you and find strength through you. Oh, by the way…the cat eating beans and its asshole blowing up literally made me spit my coffee out onto my keyboard and laugh like hell. Thanks 🙂 I needed that.

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