Househunting

     There should be a list for people who are looking at houses to rent. Common sense is great but sometimes common sense doesn’t help when you’re looking at houses. Why should it? Going in the obvious questions filter through as they should but we never think beyond the basics.
     As a rule we general map out where the houses are located because we all now that location is key. How many times do we say it’s all about location? What that means is that at some point you may want to sit outside and if there are bullets whizzing past your head who gives a shit about a nice porch.
     If that happens odds are you picked a bad location. If you watch COPS and recognize your neighbors you picked a bad location. Any family BBQ that is interrupted by gun fire means you screwed the pooch on your choice of housing.
     I like when you tell people where a house is located and they get the squishy face and ask if you’ve lost your mind. They ask if you’ve actually been on that street and odds are between slim and none that you haven’t because you’re going to look at a house there.
     I guess the good indicator of a good neighborhood are the Friday night creep throughs. These reveal a lot about potential neighborhoods. If a grown man is walking down the street butt naked holding only a can of Busch beer you may want to reconsider or at least buy the guy some pants.
     The weekend drive throughs reveal a lot about a neighborhood. Any loud parties or half drunk naked women puking into random bushes indicate that this isn’t a good place to raise kids. If there are parties going on during a work week odds are none of these people work and are just waiting for you to move in so they can rob you because none of these people have any substantial source of income.
     I refuse to live anywhere near woods. I have seen enough horror movies to know that nothing good ever happens, or comes out of the woods. You have lumbering serial killers in hockey masks or inbred hillbillies that are sex crazed and retard strong.
     Woods equals death and there’s no way I’m living near them. I could be on my porch minding my own business and out of the woods comes Jethro and his cousin-wife Elsie looking to carve me up like a Thanksgiving turkey. No way in hell am I even looking at a house that has woods nearby.
     I have no problem living near a cemetary because I don’t really think they’re haunted and they’re peaceful. A friend of mine and I would walk through random cemetaries without any fear and would spend hours looking at various gravestones and statues. The living scare me more than the dead.
     My favorite neighborhoods are the ones that feature pregnant chicks in wife beaters and jogging pants. Their husbands are usually in a lawn chair with a sixpack of beer or the chicks are single and just looking for a baby daddy. Not that I’m offering I just find pregnant chicks in wife beaters and jogging pants hot.
     In these neighborhoods the houses are usually beat to shit, feature an American flag and at least twenty kids. No one knows where these kids came from but they all just showed up one day and refused to leave. This is your redneck/hillbilly neighborhood.
     You’ll need a lot of popcorn living in this neighborhood due to all sorts of crazy shit popping off. Dudes beating their wives, wives beating their husbands, random street brawls caused by some angry beer guzzling hillbilly who just discovered that some dude has been banging his wife.
     The sad thing is that most of the dudes on the street have been dipping their nuggets in her special sauce. Only the smart guys with pop corn are safe because they know exactly how many nuggets were in the guys happy meal so they refused her half hearted advances.
     Then I’ve noticed that there are streets that just defy logic. You have a guy eating pizza on the front porch of a house that was supposed to be empty, a thirteen year old girl pushing a stroller and a creepy guy on a front porch wearing a suit. What the hell are you supposed to do? Just keep driving. This isn’t a street for intelligent hard working people.
     The price of a house is a good indicator of the neighborhood. If a house has six bedrooms and is only going for four hundred it’s a safe bet that you don’t want to live there. Just because people say that they’re cleaning up the neighbourhood doesn’t mean that the surrounding blocks got the memo. If there are more houses that are boarded up than liveable houses it just means more hobos found a place to sleep.
     A boarded up house means that at some point this was the street to get good drugs on. If you move here you never know when somone mistakes your house for the boarded up crack house next door. That’s not a very good welcome to the neighborhood party and crackheads are sneaky. They will steal everything that isn’t nailed down and even try to convince your wife or girlfriend that prostitution is a great second income.
     You have to be careful and choose wisely. If you ever plan on dating you can’t have a hot neighbour. One hot neighbour will lead to arguments later. Do you really want to hear; “You wanna fuck her don’t you.” If you say no you’re a liar and the second the hot neighbour says hi guess what? You’re fucking her.
     The crazy cat lady is a great choice but there are problems there as well. Have you ever heard cats fuck? It’s downright frightening and don’t even think about eating whatever she brings over. Odds are her cats ate some when she wasn’t looking.
     This what I was thinking about today while I was just putzing around. There’s never a list that tells you what certain neighbourhoods are like. It’s a crap shot and if you hate your neighbours or house you’re stuck until the lease is up.
    

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2 thoughts on “Househunting

  1. And that would be why the country life is for me. Moved to “Maybery” 9 yrs ago and you couldnt pay me a millon bucks to go back to city living. I like being able to see turkeys and deer in my back yard. Yes they yanked this city girl over and i love it lol

    • You’re in the middle of nowhere which doesn’t appeal to me because it’s far too quiet. Sure I complain but if I lived in the sticks my blog would suck and we can’t have that

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