Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

     I figured I may as well as adress those people who find my last blog a little hard to take. These are the ones that are saying if a girl likes you she wouldn’t care that you’re not working because she really cares about you. I’m assuming you people have never had a girlfriend and live with your parents so kindly sit down. Wait, you there with your hand raised. I hear ya, and when I say girlfriend I mean a real one. The chick you’re talking to on the internet doesn’t count because she’s a dude and you’re never going to meet her. Shhhhh, stop crying, we all make mistakes.

     The reality is that if you can’t take a woman out on a date why the fuck are you wasting her time? In my situation it’s different. I hear the nerd guild asking why and I got this. I was in fact working and struggling and through one really fucked up course of events I lost my house. I was working and then just when ya think it couldn’t get any worse it actually did.

     If a woman says it’s ok I’ll support us you’ve been warned. Those words don’t mean forever. Just a couple of weeks or a month tops but any longer than that and you’re out on your ass. Don’t ever ever assume a girl doesn’t care about money because they do. They may not require a lot of money but at least enough to show her a good time once in awhile.

     If I’ve learned anything about women it’s this, they want to be your girlfriend not your mother. Those who assume that women want to have total control are only half right. A woman wants to be control of your dick and what you do when your around her. Your balls are in a jar under the sink for a reason so get used to it.
     Why the fuck is cyber sex called cyber sex anyway? In order for it to be qualified as sex there should be some kind of interaction right? Penetration, or something. Let’s at least be honest and call it what it is. Jerking off in front of your computer while reading. Shit, only a loser would masterbate to words. The same with sexting. Your jerking off while holding a cell phone.

     There’s no intimacy involved. While your jerking off to your cell or computer the other party could be eating a ham sandwich or playing Halo. You can’t fake phone sex. Wait, yeah you can. Guilty. Been there and sadly I’ve done that, but haven’t we all? Seriously think about it for a second. We have no idea what the hell the other party is doing while we’re on the other end. She could be painting her nails or playing solitaire while we think what we’re saying is really fucking hot.

     I don’t think chicks enjoy hearing; “I wanna smack your tits around.” I know I wouldn’t. What the hell is it with chicks who ruin it by saying; “You want me to touch it?”. Isn’t it obvious? We’re men. We always want you touch it, graze it, poke it. Hell, just breath on it.

     Since we’ve already hit a new low in my blog let’s be honest as men and say that we love it when chicks talk nasty to us. Some women though take it too far. “I want you to punch me in the face and cum on my tits” isn’t sexy at all and sure, we’d consider it but we’d feel horrible after we dotted your eye. If you date a chick that doesn’t swear a whole lot it’s extremely hot to hear her swear when you’re banging her.

     One thing I never understood is why women feel compelled to stick a finger in our ass during sex. It’s offensive and a mood killer. Unless we give you permission to do that please refrain from inserting anything in our ass. It’s just wrong. Dudes should pay attention to that too. We can’t assume anything and just surprising her with it could end a relationship.

     Buttercup has just informed me that I’ve broken some kind of blog rule. Even if it’s in a joking manner you should never ever write about sex because some people just do it to procreate. I find that hard to believe. If anyone has ever seen a naked woman odds are it ain’t to have kids. Even the nerds who’ve jerked off to Mythbusters know what I’m talking about.

     There’s something amazing about the female body. I have seen a lot of women naked and it never gets old. Once a women gets naked I turn into Dora The Explorer. I bring out Back Pack and hear The Map yelling out the directions to Sexy Forest. No dude wants to have sex just to have kids. It’s bullshit. We turn into Genghis Khan during sex. We want to conquer and own it.

     Here’s the truth ladies. Even if we’re in a commited relationship and adore the woman we’re with we see another woman we immediately wonder what she looks like naked. This is going to cause a lot of issues with women but it’s true. We may not want to fuck them we just wonder what they look like naked. I have turned this off and have been able to walk around and not wonder about it but occasionally it just kicks in. There’s no reason for it it just happens.

     I wonder how many women read this blog? I know of three but I wonder how many more there are? I always assumed that more men read my blog than women but who knows for sure. I’m sure I’ve just lost a chunk of them after this blog. Bye ladies, thanks for reading. After so many negative posts I just wanted to write about stuff I think about. I don’t see what the big deal is.

     Is this blog offensive? I guess it could be if you don’t have a sense of humour or have never had sex or had a girlfriend. Shit, we’ve all done shit that would make our mothers cry. Once I thought I broke my dick, but instead of pulling out I kept on going because I’m a man. A broken dick won’t stop me.

      Has anyone else ever come close to breaking your dick while fucking? You think getting kicked in the nuts hurt try bending or ramming your dick into something that isn’t an opening. You can fuck and cry at the same time. That’s it, I’m wrapping this up because I’m assuming that instead of my stats growing they’re actually shrinking. I’ve just reached an even lower low even for me. 

    

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Random/Job Applications

     I think I’ve recently hit a wall. Walls really hurt but I also was talking to my dog and she looked at me and said; “What the fuck is wrong with you? Since when did you grow a mangina? Stop being a whiner baby and make shit happen!” I looked at my dog and agreed with her and then I layed down next to her and asked her what I should do.

     As we talked she would take breaks to clean her junk but I realized she was right. She may be big but she ain’t stupid. I have someone I really care about and the last thing I want her to think is that I’m a loser. The dog told me to get off my fat ass and make shit happen. Sure, I may have hit a wall but I have never let situations beat me. I’m a man damn it and I got responsibilities and shit.

     As the dog and I hung out I started filling out applications on-line. Do you realize how freeing it is to fill out an app in your boxers with a major erection? I wasn’t even thinking about anything sexy just putting in my info and hello Mr Boner! If he were in the military he’d be Major Wood.

     Living back at my parents house has really fucked with my sex life. I’m the type of dude that really really likes sex. If you were to ask when my favorite time of day to have sex would be I would say as often as possible and why are we talking? We could be having sex. You can’t get your groove on if moms is coming home in an hour.

     I told the dog I need to get the fuck out of here. Love my mom but it’s time to go. I have someone who really needs me to get my shit together and if I’m hanging out talking to a dog it’s not looking good. Buttercup (the dog) smirked at me and told me that in this economy you need to aim lower. When she said that I realized that she was on to something.

     In this economy your girlfriend wife or even your mom doesn’t give a fuck where you work. What they care about is whether or not you can support them. Women like you for two things. Your ability to satisfy them sexually and your ability to provide. If you suck at either of those you may as well kiss your girl good-bye. If your good at fuckin’ but suck at providing you’re history.

     Have you ever seen a dick pay a phone bill? No you haven’t, but I have turned on a lightswitch with it and once I was able to type a whole sentence on my keyboard using only my penis. When I get bored I do all sorts of crazy shit and yes I Purelled the keyboard. I have also adorned my penis with a little hat and scarf. He looked quite daper.

     As men it’s our duty to provide for women. We as men want our women happy so they’ll bang us. No, that’s not right. We want our women happy and to feel secure. A woman doesn’t want to date a whiny ass loser that freaks out like a little bitch everytime something goes wrong. Women expect us to handle business and the dog reminded me that I need to show this woman that I can rise above this bullshit and handle my bidness like a damn man.

      The goal was to aim lower (that’s what she said) and that got me filling out some really fucked up apps. Thank God women don’t hand out assessment forms when we start dating. What the hell is an assessment form for? Am I the only one fills it out based on what the employer wants to hear? If Jim is having a bad day what would you do? (1) Tell a mgr (2) Ask Jim what the problem is, do you see how retarded this is? I personally would tell Jim to buck up and take his whiny ass somwhere other than my personal bubble. Fuck Jim. Fuck the stupid questions that rate my honesty on a sliding scale.

     I didn’t get upset or angry I just muddled through because the woman I care about is relying on me. I can’t be all gloomy and pissed off about a job application. Is the job beneath me? Are you fucking high? Of course it is but this economy is kicking my ass so if I have to take a shit job where I have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that give a shit goddamnit I will.

     The economy is a real mother fucker friends and neighbours. People have been unemployed so long they’re taking odd jobs just to get out of the house. They’re wearing fucking pizza suits for God’s sake. When did it get that bad? I suck at customer service. Hard to believe isn’t it? I have a hard time with stupid people that can’t read a fucking menu on a wall. I have zero patience as well. Big shocker there too right?

     I could never be a waiter or a fucking cashier because my sarcasm would get me fired. “Have a nice day.” My answer? Fuck you. I don’t get paid to smile now go fuck yourself. I truly think my house fire has really brought out the beast in me. I wake up some mornings and fucking groan because I have a whole day to kill. I’m practically unemployed so I got nothing to do.

     The dog keeps telling me shit’s gonna happen. Just stop stressing cos at my age I could have a heart attack and I know damn well she won’t give me mouth to mouth. All she can do is Scooby kiss me back to life. She keeps telling me that I have no reason to be all mopey. I have three great kids, a very hot woman that I’m quite fond of and a fully functioning penis that always greets me in the morning.

     Buttercup has also informed me that I shouldn’t talk about my dick in a blog. People may not find it funny or cute. I say why not? It’s not like I’m going to get a nailgun and there’s no sense to attempt a blog that would make owning a nail gun pretty fucking rad. The wrong person read that blog and she’s the boss.

     So I guess I’ve learned that the dog’s right and that same woman is reading this right now and she knows exactly what I’ve done with my Jimmy. I should be embarrassed but shit a lot of people may read this and they also know. What can ya do? Avoid talking about your dick maybe? I guess that’s a start but shit I hope she doesn’t ask questions about what I blogged about.

     Is there such a thing as too much information? I guess not because this blog is just all over the place. Just goes to show that I will blog about anything including my dick. I think it’s time to step away for a bit and not blog for a few days.

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Nailgun

     I promise no angry posting. No more doom and gloom or self mutilation or self loathing. Yeah, I realize the blog’s gotten a tad darker but I was thinking maybe I should put aside the name calling and just chill out a bit. I’m really not all that bitter and angry anymore but still things bug the hell out of me. I used to make people laugh. They’d read my blog and get a few chuckles and that was only because I was a goofy idiot that plowed through life with no regard to personal safety.

     I’m the guy that isn’t allowed to use any power tools ever and I can’t get a straight answer as to why that’s such a bad idea. I’ll admit I have done some really crazy shit but just once I’d like to shoot a nail gun. How much damage could I possibly do? I can’t even play with a staple or glue gun.

     I have almost set myself on fire, shocked myself, fallen up stairs and once almost caught my kitchen on fire but I learned from those experiences and learned that as an adult with ADHD you can’t start dinner and wander off to find a pen. It just doesn’t work. Will I do it again? Nope.

     Someone today told me that I’m easily distracted and I disagree. Wait, what was I talking about again? The nail gun would be a lot of fun and I’m eventually going to sneak out and buy one. I also want to build a potato gun. I’m sure that too is on the list of stuff I’m not allowed to own. I feel like Ralph in A Christmas Story. I tell people I want a nail gun and all they’re worried about is me shooting my eye out.

     I also want a tranquilizer gun. For shits and giggles I’d shoot myself in the neck and eventually just start shooting people in the ass. I’d hide in trees just waiting for people to walk by. How awesome would that be? If people bored me I’d shoot a dart in their neck. If husbands owned a dart gun it would end every argument. She’d start bitching she’d get a dart in her neck.

     What I can’t figure out is why I’m banned from drills too. What’s the big deal? It’s a drill it puts holes in things. I would use it for good not evil. The thing is that I’m not exactly a handy man. I could muddle through but the ADD kicks in and I wander off to make a sandwich.

     Maybe that’s why my mother says I need someone to keep me in line. Someone to keep me on task and to keep me away from the hitty whacky thing. Can you imagine how much fun it would be to keep me in line and focused? Shit, I wander off in grocery stores. Something shiny catches my eye and I’m off like a rocket.

     Before everyone thinks that I have zero self control I have to say that I can stay focused on some things. I can read a book for hours and if I’m bored I’ll throw on my head phones and listen to music. I’m not all that difficult at all. I don’t need monitored or constantly reminded to do things. I am very focused and dare anyone to say otherwise.

     See I can write a blog that isn’t gloomy and all bitter. I do have regard for my own personal safety occasionally. Is it my fault I randomly fall into holes that are ankle deep? Not so much. There was a lot of grass covering up that hole and what really upset was that my kids didn’t even bother to help me. They all laughed at me. I could’ve been badly hurt.

     I have yet to get my head stuck anywhere. That’s a plus right? My head hasn’t been stuck in anything since I was six or seven. In my defense I thought my head would fit through the railing. How was I supposed to know it’d get stuck. The worst thing I ever did? I had a muppet drum kit when I was little. Something told me it’d be a great idea to stick one of the metal pieces into the wall socket.

     I kinda remember being launched backward but not the fire I set to the carpet. That hurt a lot and as I layed there on the ground smelling burnt flesh and carpet I realized that I shouldn’t have done that. As my grandfather applied burn cream my mother asked me what I was thinking. As I would notice throughout my life the answer obviously was I wasn’t thinking.

     It seemed my mother was always asking me that and I could never answer. I’d stick my tongue on a 9 volt battery, try and stop fans with my hand and know that nothing good would come out of it. I’m surprised mom didn’t get me a hamsterball to play in.

     I may seem like an accident waiting to happen but I’m still capable of having a drill or a nail gun. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? Imagine being my wife or girlfriend. Yep I have heard what the fuck were you thinking a lot from my ex-wife but I keep all this stuff from girlfriends because I really want that nail gun.

    

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Out of the woodwork

     Is it me or there more homeless people with signs? Everywhere I look I see some dude holding a sign that reads homeless will work for food. Where did he get the ink to write that? If he were really that broke wouldn’t he have invested that money in a sandwich instead of a pen? It would make more sense wouldn’t it? The way the economy is I’m half tempted to beat his ass and take his sign. Shit I’ll work for food and if the money’s right I’ll even dance sexy.

     I’m waiting for the crackheads to come up with signs. Will suck dick for rock, or maybe a little booth to sell all the shit they stole from everyone else. I could use a new DVD player and crackheads sell them cheap. You never see crackheads though. They’re like vampires. The sun fucks ’em up. You can stand in the sun juggling rocks and they just won’t come out.

     Are we still having a war on drugs? How’s that working out? Are we still losing? I think now it’s a war on cigarettes. Shit, you smoke a cigarette anywhere these days you’re treated like a sex crazed drug addict. Aren’t drugs worse though? Has anyone actually died from a nicotine overdose? Didn’t think so. I bet your neighbor has a good Xanax addiction though and unlike her I don’t have to worry about robbing anyone to get a fix.

     You have all these people abusing prescription drugs and booze yet I’m an asshole for smoking. Hey, fuck you. Who would you rather drive with; a person falling down drunk or a smoker? It’s a no brainer isn’t it. If you don’t like my smoke then fucking walk you nerdy bitch. Maybe that falling down drunk person will run you over for being a pussy.

     I get that there’s shit in cigarettes that may kill me. I use may because there’s a pretty good chance I’ll die from something else. It’s a crap shoot isn’t it? I may get cancer but I may also get hit by a bus. A falling piano could hit me, I could fall getting out of the shower. I’ll come back as a ghost and I’ll leave an EVP that says; “It wasn’t the cigarettes fucker.”

      People that drink and bitch about smokers should have a beer bottle wedged in their ass. Talk about hypocrites. These bastards drive everywhere shit faced drunk and have the balls to tell me not to smoke? I’ll tell you what pal, stop drinking and I’ll stop smoking. Sound like a fair deal? Didn’t think so. If you have kids and drink in front of them guess what? You’re a loser. You should be ashamed of yourself.

     I noticed that the Democrats are out in full swing. They’re officially now more annoying than Jehova’s Witnesses. I swear they’re knocking on doors declaring that Obama loves us. I realize that Ohio’s a battleground state but come on people. I have a news flash for you Republican folks; Romney’s an asshole and we Ohioians are voting Obama. Mystery solved Fox News can now stop their right wing propoganda.

     As a Democrat I have to say that we can really stop blaming Obama for everything going wrong. My neigbour ran into a tree and I swear she said; “Fuck Obama. This is his goddamn fault.” Can we please stop this bullshit? It was that retarded cowboy fellow that got us into this mess so even a Republican would be having a really tough time right now.

     Let’s be honest here for a second can we? Anyone else following that retarded cowboy fellow would have threw up his hands after a month and quit. “Fuck it, it’s broke I can’t fix it.” If we would vote a straight Democratic ticket we would be way better off. I love the fact that Romney is hated by people in his own party. It makes me giddy.

     Obama’s way cooler than Romney. When Obama speaks you listen. Compared to Obama Romney looks like a special kid that placed third in the special Olympics. What kind of sick bastard cuts government funding to PBS? Obviously Romney can’t tell us how to get to Sesame Street.

     Damn, shoulda put a disclaimer on this blog. Have I reached yet another group of people that I’ve offended? I’m losing count. Maybe you people should keep count. I give up. It’s a good thing I don’t have a lot of readers or else I’d have a shit load of negative comments that I can laugh at. Sticks and stones may break my bones but I broke your mother’s back while fucking her watching Fox News.

     Do you think getting laid will mellow me out a little? Doubtful. I think I may need therapy. Maybe I could pop some Xanax and watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. That’ll correct the problem. Dope me up and prop me up on the couch. Has anyone seen that show? Fuckin’ hell it’s awful. I tried to watch it and my IQ dropped.

     So now that I’ve ranted a bit I can go to sleep and dream that Democrats has all the power. It’d be such a happy place. No more Fox News, Glenn Beck would be a homeless guy begging for spare change on a highway off ramp somehere. It’d be a place where jobs were plentiful and no child would be left behind.

    

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Did You Know Stalking Is A Verb?

     I am a sucker for a good deep love song. Surprising right? My favorites are the ones that are about pain and heartwrenching agony. We can all relate to pain because we’ve all been hurt. It’s through pain that we know we’re truly alive. Without pain there’s no loss, or regret. There’s love but when it fades or goes away we can’t remember what it felt like because the pain is all we remember.

     I like a good song that’s real and honest. For every sappy song about love and undying devotion you have a song like the Chain that reminds you just how fucked up love can be. The first time I heard it I was amazed by the power of the lyrics and when you heard Stevie’s voice you could feel just how hurt she was.

     Betrayal is a fucked up emotion and when someone you love betrays you it’s hard to process because this is someone we trusted and suddenly it’s all gone and without warning. The Chain was one of those songs I would listen to would later relate to at a very fucked up time in my life.

     The scariest song I ever heard was Every Breath You Take By The Police. How the hell was this is a hit? If this is ever played at a wedding I give the marriage a month. It’s all about stalking and it’s downright creepy. Not once have I ever felt the urge to play this for a woman. She would calmly ask me to leave and then she would promptly file a restraining order. Who could blame her. That could be a deal
breaker right there.

     Anytime a relationship ends and you start listening to that song you should seek help. Stalking isn’t going to win your girl back and may in fact drive her further away. The police become involved and everytime she goes out she’s looking around just to make sure you’re not around.

     I have seen countless Lifetime movies that feature dudes moping around in their underwear staring at pictures of their ex-wives or husbands. It always turns creepy when they start peeking in the windows. If she were still in love with you you wouldn’t be staring at her or him through a pane of glass.

     Creep by Radiohead is another one I just don’t get. Sure it’s a great song but not one you wanna share with someone you care about. If you think you’re a freak or weirdo odds are the relationship isn’t going to last long. Creep isn’t a good relationship song at all and may make the person you care about abandon ship. We want to enjoy the relationship not worry that if things go South you’re gonna chop our heads off and use it as a bird feeder.

     We like love because for awhile we enjoy the warm fuzzies and think it’s going to last forever but forever is a long time. People change and relationships grow a bit stagnant if the party is no longer invested in the concept of forever. That’s why we have I Can’t Live If Living Is Without You and God forbid All By Myself. Just thinking of those songs make me want slit my wrists.

     When a relationship ends you can’t listen to those songs ever. Listening to those two songs will fuck you up. Afterwards you’ll be listening to Every Breath You Take while sobbing uncontrollably. Love doesn’t always work out. Shit happens and I think we need to steer clear of breakup songs. They make us feel worse yet we cling to them like they’re life preservers. 

     I can’t live with or without you. That’s a scary concept. How in the fuck is that supposed to help anyone? I love you but I really don’t want to be with you yet shit I can’t be without you either. Make up your mind. It’s one or the other. Bono wrote a song that turned love into something that’s almost scary. Who has ever felt that way? Love shouldn’t be that fucked up ever.

     I’ve been in love twice just so I could avoid what these people were singing about. The first time it ended badly and I was fucked up for awhile. I would listen to Stabbing Westward and relate to a lot of what they were writing about. The feeling of loss and regret infested my soul and it sucked. I was listening to these songs of loss, regret and obsession and I vowed to never ever feel that way again.

       Problem is we can’t avoid falling in love. It’s like a hole in the ground. We can it avoid for months, or even weeks but one day you forget about the damn thing and fall right in. There’s just no way to avoid it. That’s why there’s so many damn love songs out there. People always fall in love and break up.

     Love makes us do things we normally wouldn’t do. Love makes you stab people for no reason at all. What a way to say I love you. I love you so much I’m going to turn you into a human pin cushion. Does Hallmark make a card for that? Roses are red violets blue I love you so much I think I’ll stab you. We turn into skeevy stalkers that have no rational though process.

      Can someone please explain the idea behind the concept of making someone love someone else? Does that work? It sounds like a bad idea to me. Whatever happened to free will? What if the other person is a little weirded out by your conviction that they are somehow going to fall in love. I want to know how that works out.

     I want love that’s uncomplicated and easy. How awesome would that be. Everyday you knew that your relationship was perfect and there wasn’t any strife or conflict. Then I realized how unrealistic that was. It’s also unfair because if we’re truly invested in a relationship it’s always going to have ups and downs but in the end it’s worth it because you know it’s real.

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Bored

    Boredom is a horrible thing to contend with. There’s no way to cure it or will it away. No amount of TV or reading will push it away or help the restlessness that settles into your bones. How much music can you listen to before it all sounds the same.

   

    The problem I’m finding is that my boredom can’t be effectively dealt with because I have no money so where the fuck am I gonna go? I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried pacing but it’s not helping. I’m on the verge of something big and the restlessness is driving me batshit crazy. I’m waiting on a call about a job that has more challenges and more money and there’s also the reality of finally moving into my own house and starting all over.

    

     I’m never bored. I always find something to do but now I’m out of options. Tv annoys me, too keyed up to read but I know by eight this evening I’ll be drinking a beer on mom’s front porch. I’m smoking way too much and have realized that by eating all I’m doing is killing time.

    

     When I had my house I always found something to do. Random cleaning, writing, putzing around the backyard, there was always something to do. I’m not working so there’s nothing to do except smoke cigarette after cigarette and ponder the exact location when my life started to go downhill.

    

     Was it when the house caught fire or was I born under some crazy curse that will never go away? Even my relationships are cursed because I always lose intrest and wonder how the hell I got there in the first place. I believe maybe because of who I’m interested in now the curse has finally been lifted. I’m much happier than I’ve been in a long long time but I’m just so fucking bored. If I were born without any intelligence I could find simple things to amuse myself.

    

     Unintelligent people find pleasure in making forts out of boxes and toilet paper. They don’t read so they spend countless hours in front of the television and are perfectly content. I got so bored I threw a tennis ball at a dog the size of a great dane. It sounded great at the time but as she proceeded to slide all over the wood floor and knock everything off of the coffee table I knew I made a mistake.

    Poor Pugsly is even suffering through my boredom. Random walks, conversations that make no sense to anyone but me and Yoda is finding that I’m losing my fucking mind too. The dog and cat are giving me the looks that all animals give batshit crazy people.

     Thank God I’m not depressed. I can’t stand being bored so imagine how fucked up I’d be if I were depressed. Add boredom to that and I’d be a walking disaster. I couldn’t stand myself. Of course writing this has killed twenty minutes and I’m officially out of shit to do. My foot fell asleep and the worst part is that it’s now travelling up to my butt cheeks. That is the funkiest feeling ever topped only by your dick falling asleep.

    If your dick falls asleep smacking it only makes it worse because if you’re surrounded by people you look a tad nuts for beating up your dick. People may even ask why you’re so angry at your dick. What did your dick ever do to you that would force you to wack it on a table or even against your leg?

     A sleeping dick causes serious confusion. You can’t even get an erection which is awkward if your preparing to matress dance. If you jump up and down it makes that numb stinging feeling more pronounced.

     A sleeping dick is rare but it can happen. What’s worse is when you have your dick, ass, and legs go numb all at once. You may as well just stay seated because there’s no way to get up gracefully. The legs don’t work, your dick is useless, and your ass is all tingly. Not the best combo in the world.

     Now what I can’t figure out is why sometimes I’m taking a piss and the worst, unimaginable thing happens. The cough, sneeze, and fart combo. As a guy it’s the most fucked up thing that can happen. It’s fucking horrible and it thankfully doesn’t happen often.

     Usually it runs in a sequence. As your standing there pissing the sneeze hits. If you feel the sneeze coming hold onto your dick and the wall because shit is about to get crazy real fast. Don’t even try to clench your buttcheeks because it doesn’t help, I’ve tried it. Once the sneeze hits piss is flying and the force of rhe sneeze forces out a fart that causes serious pain due to the body being confused.

     The fart is forced out which makes the piss shoot is in a weird pattern that resembles a water hose that has been suddenly released. As the piss is shooting random objects and your ass is recovering from the sudden force of the fart the absurdity of the situation settles in.

     The human body is not designed to do all three of these at once. It’s ok to do one or two, but all three is too jarring. Anytime I do it I usailly end up laughing which is really fucking up the piss stream. Even when I’m sick I never cough, piss, and fart at the same time. Even drunk I can’t do it due to balancing issues.

     Speaking of farting you ever notice how much fun it is to fart in an empty elevator and just hope that someone gets on? It’s like giving someone a present. Hey, how’s that ass smell treating you? You know a fart is rank when people start coughing and shuffling their feet. A true ass master will cause eyes to burn and water.

     The creeping death farts are always fun. Walk down a crowded aisle and let one sneak out. These are called creeping death farts for a reason. After maybe two or three seconds the smell hits and if you don’t run you begin tasting it. It burrows into your nostrils and dares you to breath.

     I will fart anywhere. I’ll walk

and fart. Sometimes I’ll fart down an entire aisle and giggle as the ass aroma follows me down three additional aisles. I am the fart master and dare anyone to match or equal my ass power. The key is to eat as unhealthy as possible. The worse you eat the more potent your ass smell.

     I’ve now added another topic of discussion to my blogs. Farts. They’re funny and yes they can be used for revenge. Have an argument with your spouse or girlfriend just fart and trap her head under the covers. You can’t go wrong with dutch oven. Sure it’s childish but it’s funny as hell.

     See what happens when I’m bored? I just wander off on various subjects. I’ve proven that even though I speak well and have intelligence I will crack up anytime I fart. If my kids or the animals fart I turn into a 5 year old. I can’t help it.

     Another thing that causes me to laugh is people falling down or dudes getting hit in the nuts. I see someone fall and I crack up. Is it rude? Hell yeah it is but once I see someone slip and fall I almost always laugh until I cry. When I fall it’s even worse. As I’m going down I have two thoughts; shit this is gonna suck and I shouldn’t be laughing.

     When I’m drunk and I fall it’s even worse. I’ll roll around for awhile and as I’m trying to get up I start laughing harder because I keep falling. If anyone falls in front of me I try and help of course but only after I’ve stopped laughing. I watched a show that had this weird obstacle course that had people bouncing off of big balls and I was a mess. I laughed until I cried.

     See boredom sucks but I got a very random blog from it. While I may be an asshole I have a fucked up sense of humour. I watch movies that my girl refuses to watch with me and I’m trying to figure out how I can convince her to watch this is Spinal Tap.

     Boredom and a loss of shit to do is my worst enemy. I had to pull this up on my phone to proof read it and a variety of other random shit just popped into my head. The song Tonight I’m Fucking You has been playing on my phone a lot and I’m embarrassed to say that I love this song. If anyone reading this hasn’t heard this song go find it and listen to it.

    

      So in closing I just hope that everyone has enjoyed this blog despite how bizarre it was. When I get bored I should steer clear of my blog. I should focus more on making my toilet paper fort and find something to keep my mind occupied. I have a few things in mind.

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Hot Chick Radar

     So let’s explore some issues that truly seperate the men from the women. Aside from the obvious let’s explore the intelligence of women. Men and women differ in thinking and a lot of times it may seem fucked up but it makes sense to them. You have to understand that a lot of women have been treated unfairly by men and guess what? You’re a man so you’re guilty by association.

     Men though are just as fucked up in their line of thinking. If we date one crazy bitch they’re all crazy. Even if we like a woman we’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. The woman we’re seeing may be perfectly sane but due to our experiences we know at some point she’s going to turn out batshit crazy.

     My problem for a long time was that after my wife and I split up I had the menatlity that all women were bitches that didn’t deserve my respect. That line of thinking doesn’t change over night so I can relate to women that think all men are assholes.

     It takes a long time to change your ideas about relationships and even when the relationship is going well you still look for the exits just in case. It’s just how we’re wired. Even when things are going well there’s always the possibilty that shit will go bad.

     What I don’t get is why we always have to discuss how many people we’ve slept with. I don’t wanna know how many dudes have slept with my girlfriend. It’s none of my business and women need to stop asking. It’s not a conversation we ever want to have.

     Why the hell do women ask that? They always say they won’t get pissed but they always do. If you blurt out a low number it’s still too high. When any woman hears the number it turns into a fight. Who needs that shit? It’s better to not ask.

     As men we are always going to be accused of looking at other women. If you’re with a woman and you’re commited to her other woman don’t matter anymore so stop asking us if other women are prettier than you. It’s bullshit and the answer should be obvious. Am I with her? No, I’m with you so that alone should be enough. Don’t ask a stupid question and don’t tell us we’re lying when we say no.

     Women are great at mindgames. They learned them from their mother so men need to understand that women are always 10 steps ahead of us. No matter what we think we’re men so we’re stupid. We can’t convince them that we have any common sense or intelligence.

    The hot chick radar that all women have amazes me. Most men are clueless and don’t even know what I’m talking about and then there are quite a few men that know exactly what I’m talking about.

     Hot chick radar will fuck up a relationship and don’t think for a second that your girlfriend doesn’t have it because they do. Women are very territorial even if they say they aren’t. They want other women to know that you’re taken so they will mark you.

     Once you decide that you’re in a relationship you’re marked. Test out the simplicity of this. In a crowded bar or grocery store don’t hold your girlfriends hand. Don’t even reach for it.

     What’s going to happen is she will grab your hand and do it in a way that says this is my dude bitches get to steppin’. They may not be jealous but when you’re with them she make sure that other females know that you’re taken.

    Guys are idiots when it comes to women. We may be in a commited relationship and be madly in love but we will still talk to other women. Not because we’re attracted to them but we just want to see if other women find us attractive.      Due to our spouses and girlfriends being territorial we can longer look at or even talk to other women. You can try but at some point you will be accused of either wanting to have sex with her or actually having sex with her. The best advice is make sure you’re spouse or girlfriend is ok with you having female friends.

     The hot chick radar that women have is rather amazing and complex. Any time your girlfriend visits she knows how many women live on your street. Doesn’t matter if they’re single or married because they’re women. If you talk to a female neighbor you can’t hide it. She already knows and will store it for use at a later date.

     When she surprises you with it you’ll be asked why you didn’t tell your spouse or girlfriend that you talked to this woman. Any answer you give at this point is wrong. There is no answer. If you say I didn’t think it was a big deal you’re going to be yelled at and confined to the sofa for awhile.

     The radar will trip you up all the time. Your spouse or girlfriend has female friends that actually keeps tabs on you when your not with your spouse or girlfriend. It’s a network of radars to catch you acting stupid.

     We have to remember that women may be awesome but they’re also evil without meaning to be. Once you commit you’re on lockdown and the invisible fence has been erected. You wearing a shock collar and don’t even know it.

    I always know when I start dating not to act stupid. You’re spouse or girlfriend knows when you’re lying so my advice is don’t do it. You can’t always tell when a woman is pissed off until they let you know. They could be pissed off for a week and wait until you’re asleep and then unleash hell.

      Ever been woken up by a pissed off woman? It’s not fun and there’s no way to defend yourself. Women are Jedi’s and will wear you out and beat you down before you even had a chance to speak. Women are smarter than we are and nothing we can do will help change that.

     Our mother is the same way so we know from a young age that women are smarter and better than we are. Women already have all the answers we just have to figure out the questions. Does that make me weak or even a pussy?

     Not at all because when you sit and think about it we have spent our entire lives around women so we already grew up thinking that men for the most part are stupid blundering idiots. The sooner we accept that the better off we’ll be.

     Any fight we have with a woman doesn’t have to happen if we’ll just say; “You were right honey, I was wrong. I’m sorry” Most women just want to hear us say it even if we’re right and they’re wrong. No woman has ever been wrong ever.

     I’m learning that very slowly. You would think that when I’m right I’d get some big ups but all I get is; “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I can’t win and even when I was married I was never right ever. How is that possible? The odds should be in my favor at least once.

     Men, this is very important and will close out this blog due to severe eyerolling from women. We don’t control our houses. We may tell other dudes we have our shit on lockdown but once we walk in the door it’s over. We’ve lost control.

     I’m walking into a situation where I jokingly said I was the boss of the house. I got an eyeroll and realized that the 50/50 split was more like 40/30 until she bats her eyes at me and then we’re looking at 40/10 and that’s in her favor.

     I tried to man up but she just laughs at me and guess what? She’s a woman and I have no control at all. She has no idea just how cute she is so going in I know I’m screwed but why complain? I just go with it and am thankful I get to be the boss when she isn’t home.

     I may seem like a total pushover and I agree but the hot chick radar has left me powerless. As long as there are woman I’m screwed. It’s not like I have a choice. I am all about women and sometimes it’s totally worth losing control as long as an amazing woman is beside me.

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