Neighbours

     Now that I’m on the verge of moving into a new house I’m excited about having my own place again but there’s the issue of neighbours. My concern is never about how friendly they are because I don’t care it’s a non issue with me. Once I explain it it isn’t as fucked up as it sounds I promise.
     I have always been a private person. So I don’t hang out with co-workers or even attempt to become involved in any after work activies. It never appealed to me. I see these people for 8 or 9 nine hours every day so if I’m not getting paid to bowl with them I’m going home.
    I don’t have a job to make friends. I work because I need money so when it’s time to go home I go home, I don’t make plans to meet up later. End of story.
     The same goes with neighbours. I may live next door to them but it doesn’t mean I wanna hang out or attend your BBQ. When you start making friends life becomes difficult. There’s no privacy anymore. I sit outside to read or drink coffee but the neighbours assume I want to have an indepth conversation.
     Work related friends also take away privacy because you never leave work. I like that I have a job and a private life. They never intersect at all. I want to work and come home and forget my job until I go in the next day. I live in my house and don’t go out of my way to be noticed.
     I’m sure a lot of people would assume I’m snobbish or weird but I just like my privacy. I’ve noticed that people want to be your buddy for the gossip. These people will befriend you just to talk shit about the neighbours and as soon they as they leave your house you’re the person they’re gossiping about.
     They start telling you who to avoid, who’s fucking who, and who’s kids are totally out of control. I’m usually inside so who gets falling down drunk isn’t really a concern of mine. If the neighbours wife happens to be a big cock whore I know who to go to when I want to get my dickie sticky. Every neighbourhood needs a big cock whore. Thanks for the heads up.
     I like coming home and doing my thing all alone. I don’t want to be bothered by my neighbours. I don’t want to chat or talk about their day or their kids. Please go away. You’re bothering me. I can live on my street for a month and not once say a word to the neighbours. Once they feel comfortable they begin borrowing shit. How fucking rude is that? Didn’t they pass a goddamn store on the way home?
     I don’t know about you but if I’m making dinner and I’m missing something I don’t run next door. I just don’t cook it. These people are just way too friendly. They see you come home and they make a beeline towards you. You can’t even get into the house before they start jumping around demanding to be noticed.
     God forbid a strange car pulls into the drive way and the neighbours just show up soon after. Odds are if the door’s locked, shades are pulled and I don’t have my kids odds are I’m fucking so stop banging on the door. Have some respect and for God’s sake don’t ask who it was because I’ll be blunt and tell you to piss off.
     In our wonderful society we’re trained to be polite and not be rude to our neighbours but I say fuck that shit. When they yap just smile and nod. They just like to hear the sound of their voice anyway. Doesn’t matter if you’re listening. I won’t buy your fucking girl scout cookies, support your goddamn PTA, and sure the fuck won’t take part in some shitty neighbourhood bake sale. Bother someone else and kindly for the love of God piss off.
     Private people are often mistaken for assholes which is ok with me. People will avoid me like the plauge. I won’t get waved at, I won’t be expected to wave or even have to pretend that I give a shit about what goes on in my neighbourhood. Less obligation and I’m ok with that.
     I will sit on my porch with my smokes, my coffe, my cellphone with headphones, and a book and people for the most part stay the fuck away. They get to miss out on my sarcasm, my twisted sense of humour and I get to live in obscurity. The only exception is if I happen to see a hot neighbour in distress. If she’s hillbilly hot I will break my neck to try and help her.
     The downside to that is if you happen to have a hot neighbour you’re wife or girlfriend will pick up on it quickly. You’ll eventually get an invisible barrier and a shock collar. Chicks have a radar for hot chicks and will scan the surrounding area for bitches. Any woman that your wife or girlfriend doesn’t like is a bitch.
     When did the radar even go off? Most dudes have no idea that chicks have hot chick radar until you see the hot neighbour. Your wife or girlfriend already got the blip way before you moved in. In another blog we’ll explore the hot chick radar.

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