Bored

    Boredom is a horrible thing to contend with. There’s no way to cure it or will it away. No amount of TV or reading will push it away or help the restlessness that settles into your bones. How much music can you listen to before it all sounds the same.

   

    The problem I’m finding is that my boredom can’t be effectively dealt with because I have no money so where the fuck am I gonna go? I’ve tried reading, I’ve tried pacing but it’s not helping. I’m on the verge of something big and the restlessness is driving me batshit crazy. I’m waiting on a call about a job that has more challenges and more money and there’s also the reality of finally moving into my own house and starting all over.

    

     I’m never bored. I always find something to do but now I’m out of options. Tv annoys me, too keyed up to read but I know by eight this evening I’ll be drinking a beer on mom’s front porch. I’m smoking way too much and have realized that by eating all I’m doing is killing time.

    

     When I had my house I always found something to do. Random cleaning, writing, putzing around the backyard, there was always something to do. I’m not working so there’s nothing to do except smoke cigarette after cigarette and ponder the exact location when my life started to go downhill.

    

     Was it when the house caught fire or was I born under some crazy curse that will never go away? Even my relationships are cursed because I always lose intrest and wonder how the hell I got there in the first place. I believe maybe because of who I’m interested in now the curse has finally been lifted. I’m much happier than I’ve been in a long long time but I’m just so fucking bored. If I were born without any intelligence I could find simple things to amuse myself.

    

     Unintelligent people find pleasure in making forts out of boxes and toilet paper. They don’t read so they spend countless hours in front of the television and are perfectly content. I got so bored I threw a tennis ball at a dog the size of a great dane. It sounded great at the time but as she proceeded to slide all over the wood floor and knock everything off of the coffee table I knew I made a mistake.

    Poor Pugsly is even suffering through my boredom. Random walks, conversations that make no sense to anyone but me and Yoda is finding that I’m losing my fucking mind too. The dog and cat are giving me the looks that all animals give batshit crazy people.

     Thank God I’m not depressed. I can’t stand being bored so imagine how fucked up I’d be if I were depressed. Add boredom to that and I’d be a walking disaster. I couldn’t stand myself. Of course writing this has killed twenty minutes and I’m officially out of shit to do. My foot fell asleep and the worst part is that it’s now travelling up to my butt cheeks. That is the funkiest feeling ever topped only by your dick falling asleep.

    If your dick falls asleep smacking it only makes it worse because if you’re surrounded by people you look a tad nuts for beating up your dick. People may even ask why you’re so angry at your dick. What did your dick ever do to you that would force you to wack it on a table or even against your leg?

     A sleeping dick causes serious confusion. You can’t even get an erection which is awkward if your preparing to matress dance. If you jump up and down it makes that numb stinging feeling more pronounced.

     A sleeping dick is rare but it can happen. What’s worse is when you have your dick, ass, and legs go numb all at once. You may as well just stay seated because there’s no way to get up gracefully. The legs don’t work, your dick is useless, and your ass is all tingly. Not the best combo in the world.

     Now what I can’t figure out is why sometimes I’m taking a piss and the worst, unimaginable thing happens. The cough, sneeze, and fart combo. As a guy it’s the most fucked up thing that can happen. It’s fucking horrible and it thankfully doesn’t happen often.

     Usually it runs in a sequence. As your standing there pissing the sneeze hits. If you feel the sneeze coming hold onto your dick and the wall because shit is about to get crazy real fast. Don’t even try to clench your buttcheeks because it doesn’t help, I’ve tried it. Once the sneeze hits piss is flying and the force of rhe sneeze forces out a fart that causes serious pain due to the body being confused.

     The fart is forced out which makes the piss shoot is in a weird pattern that resembles a water hose that has been suddenly released. As the piss is shooting random objects and your ass is recovering from the sudden force of the fart the absurdity of the situation settles in.

     The human body is not designed to do all three of these at once. It’s ok to do one or two, but all three is too jarring. Anytime I do it I usailly end up laughing which is really fucking up the piss stream. Even when I’m sick I never cough, piss, and fart at the same time. Even drunk I can’t do it due to balancing issues.

     Speaking of farting you ever notice how much fun it is to fart in an empty elevator and just hope that someone gets on? It’s like giving someone a present. Hey, how’s that ass smell treating you? You know a fart is rank when people start coughing and shuffling their feet. A true ass master will cause eyes to burn and water.

     The creeping death farts are always fun. Walk down a crowded aisle and let one sneak out. These are called creeping death farts for a reason. After maybe two or three seconds the smell hits and if you don’t run you begin tasting it. It burrows into your nostrils and dares you to breath.

     I will fart anywhere. I’ll walk

and fart. Sometimes I’ll fart down an entire aisle and giggle as the ass aroma follows me down three additional aisles. I am the fart master and dare anyone to match or equal my ass power. The key is to eat as unhealthy as possible. The worse you eat the more potent your ass smell.

     I’ve now added another topic of discussion to my blogs. Farts. They’re funny and yes they can be used for revenge. Have an argument with your spouse or girlfriend just fart and trap her head under the covers. You can’t go wrong with dutch oven. Sure it’s childish but it’s funny as hell.

     See what happens when I’m bored? I just wander off on various subjects. I’ve proven that even though I speak well and have intelligence I will crack up anytime I fart. If my kids or the animals fart I turn into a 5 year old. I can’t help it.

     Another thing that causes me to laugh is people falling down or dudes getting hit in the nuts. I see someone fall and I crack up. Is it rude? Hell yeah it is but once I see someone slip and fall I almost always laugh until I cry. When I fall it’s even worse. As I’m going down I have two thoughts; shit this is gonna suck and I shouldn’t be laughing.

     When I’m drunk and I fall it’s even worse. I’ll roll around for awhile and as I’m trying to get up I start laughing harder because I keep falling. If anyone falls in front of me I try and help of course but only after I’ve stopped laughing. I watched a show that had this weird obstacle course that had people bouncing off of big balls and I was a mess. I laughed until I cried.

     See boredom sucks but I got a very random blog from it. While I may be an asshole I have a fucked up sense of humour. I watch movies that my girl refuses to watch with me and I’m trying to figure out how I can convince her to watch this is Spinal Tap.

     Boredom and a loss of shit to do is my worst enemy. I had to pull this up on my phone to proof read it and a variety of other random shit just popped into my head. The song Tonight I’m Fucking You has been playing on my phone a lot and I’m embarrassed to say that I love this song. If anyone reading this hasn’t heard this song go find it and listen to it.

    

      So in closing I just hope that everyone has enjoyed this blog despite how bizarre it was. When I get bored I should steer clear of my blog. I should focus more on making my toilet paper fort and find something to keep my mind occupied. I have a few things in mind.

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One thought on “Bored

  1. When my hubby and I get into bed it is not long before the fart wars begin.What is it about laying down that tells our bowels it is time to release the by-product of hot peppers,onions and garlic? One of us will start and the other not to be out done, echos. I guess we are both trying to out “do” the other. But since we both like spicy foods there is no clear winner here..Sometimes it is so bad we both cover our head with pillows. Believe me fanning the blankets is futile. The room is worthy of wartime weaponry. If we are ever found dead in our beds do not assume it is the furnace to blame. It may be faulty gas lines but not the furnace. Natural gas indeed!

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