Nailgun

     I promise no angry posting. No more doom and gloom or self mutilation or self loathing. Yeah, I realize the blog’s gotten a tad darker but I was thinking maybe I should put aside the name calling and just chill out a bit. I’m really not all that bitter and angry anymore but still things bug the hell out of me. I used to make people laugh. They’d read my blog and get a few chuckles and that was only because I was a goofy idiot that plowed through life with no regard to personal safety.

     I’m the guy that isn’t allowed to use any power tools ever and I can’t get a straight answer as to why that’s such a bad idea. I’ll admit I have done some really crazy shit but just once I’d like to shoot a nail gun. How much damage could I possibly do? I can’t even play with a staple or glue gun.

     I have almost set myself on fire, shocked myself, fallen up stairs and once almost caught my kitchen on fire but I learned from those experiences and learned that as an adult with ADHD you can’t start dinner and wander off to find a pen. It just doesn’t work. Will I do it again? Nope.

     Someone today told me that I’m easily distracted and I disagree. Wait, what was I talking about again? The nail gun would be a lot of fun and I’m eventually going to sneak out and buy one. I also want to build a potato gun. I’m sure that too is on the list of stuff I’m not allowed to own. I feel like Ralph in A Christmas Story. I tell people I want a nail gun and all they’re worried about is me shooting my eye out.

     I also want a tranquilizer gun. For shits and giggles I’d shoot myself in the neck and eventually just start shooting people in the ass. I’d hide in trees just waiting for people to walk by. How awesome would that be? If people bored me I’d shoot a dart in their neck. If husbands owned a dart gun it would end every argument. She’d start bitching she’d get a dart in her neck.

     What I can’t figure out is why I’m banned from drills too. What’s the big deal? It’s a drill it puts holes in things. I would use it for good not evil. The thing is that I’m not exactly a handy man. I could muddle through but the ADD kicks in and I wander off to make a sandwich.

     Maybe that’s why my mother says I need someone to keep me in line. Someone to keep me on task and to keep me away from the hitty whacky thing. Can you imagine how much fun it would be to keep me in line and focused? Shit, I wander off in grocery stores. Something shiny catches my eye and I’m off like a rocket.

     Before everyone thinks that I have zero self control I have to say that I can stay focused on some things. I can read a book for hours and if I’m bored I’ll throw on my head phones and listen to music. I’m not all that difficult at all. I don’t need monitored or constantly reminded to do things. I am very focused and dare anyone to say otherwise.

     See I can write a blog that isn’t gloomy and all bitter. I do have regard for my own personal safety occasionally. Is it my fault I randomly fall into holes that are ankle deep? Not so much. There was a lot of grass covering up that hole and what really upset was that my kids didn’t even bother to help me. They all laughed at me. I could’ve been badly hurt.

     I have yet to get my head stuck anywhere. That’s a plus right? My head hasn’t been stuck in anything since I was six or seven. In my defense I thought my head would fit through the railing. How was I supposed to know it’d get stuck. The worst thing I ever did? I had a muppet drum kit when I was little. Something told me it’d be a great idea to stick one of the metal pieces into the wall socket.

     I kinda remember being launched backward but not the fire I set to the carpet. That hurt a lot and as I layed there on the ground smelling burnt flesh and carpet I realized that I shouldn’t have done that. As my grandfather applied burn cream my mother asked me what I was thinking. As I would notice throughout my life the answer obviously was I wasn’t thinking.

     It seemed my mother was always asking me that and I could never answer. I’d stick my tongue on a 9 volt battery, try and stop fans with my hand and know that nothing good would come out of it. I’m surprised mom didn’t get me a hamsterball to play in.

     I may seem like an accident waiting to happen but I’m still capable of having a drill or a nail gun. Seriously, what’s the worst that could happen? Imagine being my wife or girlfriend. Yep I have heard what the fuck were you thinking a lot from my ex-wife but I keep all this stuff from girlfriends because I really want that nail gun.

    

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2 thoughts on “Nailgun

  1. Focused is definitely not what you are. But you are caring, loving and do anything for anyone! And I never say F%&k! Whatsthematterwithyou!?!?

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