I think I’ve recently hit a wall. Walls really hurt but I also was talking to my dog and she looked at me and said; “What the fuck is wrong with you? Since when did you grow a mangina? Stop being a whiner baby and make shit happen!” I looked at my dog and agreed with her and then I layed down next to her and asked her what I should do.
As we talked she would take breaks to clean her junk but I realized she was right. She may be big but she ain’t stupid. I have someone I really care about and the last thing I want her to think is that I’m a loser. The dog told me to get off my fat ass and make shit happen. Sure, I may have hit a wall but I have never let situations beat me. I’m a man damn it and I got responsibilities and shit.
As the dog and I hung out I started filling out applications on-line. Do you realize how freeing it is to fill out an app in your boxers with a major erection? I wasn’t even thinking about anything sexy just putting in my info and hello Mr Boner! If he were in the military he’d be Major Wood.
Living back at my parents house has really fucked with my sex life. I’m the type of dude that really really likes sex. If you were to ask when my favorite time of day to have sex would be I would say as often as possible and why are we talking? We could be having sex. You can’t get your groove on if moms is coming home in an hour.
I told the dog I need to get the fuck out of here. Love my mom but it’s time to go. I have someone who really needs me to get my shit together and if I’m hanging out talking to a dog it’s not looking good. Buttercup (the dog) smirked at me and told me that in this economy you need to aim lower. When she said that I realized that she was on to something.
In this economy your girlfriend wife or even your mom doesn’t give a fuck where you work. What they care about is whether or not you can support them. Women like you for two things. Your ability to satisfy them sexually and your ability to provide. If you suck at either of those you may as well kiss your girl good-bye. If your good at fuckin’ but suck at providing you’re history.
Have you ever seen a dick pay a phone bill? No you haven’t, but I have turned on a lightswitch with it and once I was able to type a whole sentence on my keyboard using only my penis. When I get bored I do all sorts of crazy shit and yes I Purelled the keyboard. I have also adorned my penis with a little hat and scarf. He looked quite daper.
As men it’s our duty to provide for women. We as men want our women happy so they’ll bang us. No, that’s not right. We want our women happy and to feel secure. A woman doesn’t want to date a whiny ass loser that freaks out like a little bitch everytime something goes wrong. Women expect us to handle business and the dog reminded me that I need to show this woman that I can rise above this bullshit and handle my bidness like a damn man.
The goal was to aim lower (that’s what she said) and that got me filling out some really fucked up apps. Thank God women don’t hand out assessment forms when we start dating. What the hell is an assessment form for? Am I the only one fills it out based on what the employer wants to hear? If Jim is having a bad day what would you do? (1) Tell a mgr (2) Ask Jim what the problem is, do you see how retarded this is? I personally would tell Jim to buck up and take his whiny ass somwhere other than my personal bubble. Fuck Jim. Fuck the stupid questions that rate my honesty on a sliding scale.
I didn’t get upset or angry I just muddled through because the woman I care about is relying on me. I can’t be all gloomy and pissed off about a job application. Is the job beneath me? Are you fucking high? Of course it is but this economy is kicking my ass so if I have to take a shit job where I have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend that give a shit goddamnit I will.
The economy is a real mother fucker friends and neighbours. People have been unemployed so long they’re taking odd jobs just to get out of the house. They’re wearing fucking pizza suits for God’s sake. When did it get that bad? I suck at customer service. Hard to believe isn’t it? I have a hard time with stupid people that can’t read a fucking menu on a wall. I have zero patience as well. Big shocker there too right?
I could never be a waiter or a fucking cashier because my sarcasm would get me fired. “Have a nice day.” My answer? Fuck you. I don’t get paid to smile now go fuck yourself. I truly think my house fire has really brought out the beast in me. I wake up some mornings and fucking groan because I have a whole day to kill. I’m practically unemployed so I got nothing to do.
The dog keeps telling me shit’s gonna happen. Just stop stressing cos at my age I could have a heart attack and I know damn well she won’t give me mouth to mouth. All she can do is Scooby kiss me back to life. She keeps telling me that I have no reason to be all mopey. I have three great kids, a very hot woman that I’m quite fond of and a fully functioning penis that always greets me in the morning.
Buttercup has also informed me that I shouldn’t talk about my dick in a blog. People may not find it funny or cute. I say why not? It’s not like I’m going to get a nailgun and there’s no sense to attempt a blog that would make owning a nail gun pretty fucking rad. The wrong person read that blog and she’s the boss.
So I guess I’ve learned that the dog’s right and that same woman is reading this right now and she knows exactly what I’ve done with my Jimmy. I should be embarrassed but shit a lot of people may read this and they also know. What can ya do? Avoid talking about your dick maybe? I guess that’s a start but shit I hope she doesn’t ask questions about what I blogged about.
Is there such a thing as too much information? I guess not because this blog is just all over the place. Just goes to show that I will blog about anything including my dick. I think it’s time to step away for a bit and not blog for a few days.
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