Exhausted Rambling

     Let me start out by saying that our diet doesn’t cause heart attacks and strokes. Stress does. It’s stress that causes me to walk into a store and growl like a caveman because I can’t buy a package of Oreos due to their fucked up credit card policy. Who the hell carries cash anymore? What kind of hillybilly back woods mother fuck doesn’t have an ATM or credit card?

     I find carrying cash a burden. Anywhere I go I use plastic. That’s just how I roll. It always surprises me when a clerk tells me they don’t accept plastic. Do people realize what year it is? Sadly I didn’t get my Oreo fix which amused my girl because her mission in life is to put me on a diet.

     I live on junk food. You can’t hand me a salad and expect me to get giddy. Doesn’t work that way but because I happen to lo…like this woman I’ll try and cut back on the wings and pizza. I can even try not to sneak junk food into our basement like some heroine junkie. I will even agree to random searches just in case I’m packing a Snickers.

     Let’s deal with the issue of stress and how it could result in me stroking out or having a major fucking heart attack in the snack food aisle. It’s not my girl causing me stress. it’s our new house. Just thinking about it gives me stomach aches. I’m losing more money than the US economy but love will make you do all sorts of crazy shit.

      The house is almost done but it’s the little shit you never think of that taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear. I have my mother rushing me out to get a stove and to finish our house. Problem is this house is slowly killing me. I set out to prove to myself that I can not only get a house but now I’m painting and scrubbing floors and in my ear I have this loud tick tock because I’m running out of time.

     I had this crazy idea that today I was going to relax but not even close. I had to run out and find a stove so my baby girl and the kids can move in on Sunday. The stove is the least of my worries. My legs and arms are killing me, I am so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open and when I do fall asleep I have nightmares that feature ginourmous cans of semi-gloss chasing me.

     I am under so much stress I almost freaked out in a store because they didn’t accept my ATM card. I can’t even begin to tell you when I had a thought that didn’t involve our house and what we need.  I need a day off. Just one day that didn’t involve this fucking house.

     I love that I’m stepping up and pushing myself harder than I ever have in any situation but the stress is going to kill me. When it’s all done I can say I did what I set out to do and I didn’t quit goddamn it. If you saw this woman in this house you’d do the same thing. You’d hang from an attic rafter just to finish a wall or arrive for eight or nine hours a day just because you can’t wait to be with her all the time.

     I would do anything for this woman and this house is just the beginning. After this I want her to know that I am someone she can rely on. No matter what. That brings me to the diet. I saw her look of horror as I consumed a double cheese burger and a Mcchicken and then I heard her groan as I declared that I was still hungry. When a woman actually cares about you they will try and prolong your life.

     As soon as I move in I can already see what’s going to happen and I’m scared to death. I may be healthier but I can already see the withdrawls. I’ll develop super smell and be able to sniff out wings and pizza a mile away. I’ll be running through the junk food aisle like a bitch because I know what my weaknessess are.

     I’m going on the diet and will even attempt to be more motivated. I’ll probably bitch and complain but if it makes her happy I’m all for it. As a single guy I have developed a few bad habits that can’t carry over into our new relationship. I’m not a total idiot and I know that relationships are all about compromise but I can freak out and complain a little right?

     The sad thing is that my girl knows I can’t say no to her. It really makes it hard for me to have any backbone at all. When she says she’s putting me on a diet I can so no all I want but if she pouts I’m screwed. That pout is going to get me every damn time. it’s not exactly fair because I could have a valid reason for saying no but once she pouts I have officially lost.

     When your single it’s so much easier. No rules no boss, but once you become involved in a relationship everything changes. The rules change and you often find yourself wandering around an empty house with a paint lid stuck to your ass. You get locked out of your new house and bang on the door and when you end up running to the front door there’s your girl in the dining room looking at you as if you’ve lost your damn mind. I was all pissed off but once I saw that look I wasn’t pissed anymore.

     Despite all the stress I’m under, the nightmares and ulcers all I have to do is look at my girl and everything’s ok. If we can make it through this without killing each other I think we can make it through anything. Now if you’ll excuse me I need a nap.

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Yikes!

     Rachael Ray is hot but just because I watch her show it doesn’t mean I can cook. Did it motivate me to get off my fat ass and start cooking again? It did and being a single guy it’s important to find motivation. I needed to cook again because at some point I knew I’d date and I can’t throw a frozen pizza into an oven to impress a chick. It was important to use skills I had allowed to grow rusty.

     This brings me to the new house. I was all psyched to take on this new project of painting and stripping but at some point I knew reality would come knocking. I was going to the house and I was hoping that when I got there the painting fairies had come in and painted while I was gone. I’d hear crazy singing and I’d walk in and see little fairies putting our cupboard doors back on.

     When I walked in the house looked the same. It looked like my house threw up. The wood was still half stripped and that reminded me that when I bought the stripper I really should of bought gloves. I could still hear the echoes of the screams as stripper met skin. It burns like the devil’s ass and when you spray it you need to yell out; “Fire in the hole!” If you don’t it will burn and you will hate whoever sprayed you.

      The cupboards were still laying on the floor and there were staples still in the floor where we simply forgot to take them out. Those were left on purpose I swear because I was the only one who kept stepping on them. Nothing keeps you motivated like a staple stabbing you in the foot.

     The painting seemed easy and fun. A project that would bond everyone together. Not so much. One bedroom looks like it could exist in Whoville. Lime green with blue trim. I opened the door and I swear to you my eyes could not take it all in. I thought I saw Who’s running in and out of the closet. Everyone wanted to paint and it was total insanity.

      I got a text saying people were freaking out and it was all bad and I had a moment where I truly didn’t want to come home. I almost pussied out. I felt like the world’s biggest asshole because I was so sure about this and suddenly I didn’t want to come home to go home. There weren’t any other options. I had to come home. This is one of many situations that either make or break a relationship and if I can’t handle this what does that say about me? Not much.

      I went home. I slowly opened the door expecting bodies and blood and instead there was laughter. As soon as I walked in the house I felt it. This is where I belong. Despite the chaos, the mess and the exhaustion I looked around at the kids, my girl and I knew I was home.

     After three months of living with my parents I had done what I set out to do. Find a house that was mine and now it was ours. There was no other place I wanted to be. Sure, it smelled like paint thinner and oldman’s ass but this was doable.

      HGtv doesn’t prepare you for the chaos that exists in a project like this and that pisses me off. You don’t get the mess or any idea of how many hours you’re going to invest. Why is it that the more you do the less it looks like you accomplished?

Home Improvment projects suck so bad. I have never taken on something like this. We keep saying that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but what if it’s a train? I am usually lazy when it comes to shit like this but this woman has motivated and has convinced me this is all going to work. I look around and shake my head but I trust her I realize that she’s right.

I’ve known her for so long that when she says the impossible’s possible I believe her. I can’t tell her that she’s right cos then she’ll get this idea that I’ll just go along with what she says and if I admit that she’s actually right, I’m screwed. It’s bad enough that if she wants something and I say no all she has to do is pout and I cave. If I told her she was right I’d never hear the end of it.

The house looks like shit. The downstairs is so fucked up but I went upstairs and saw what I needed to see and I was good. It’s almost over and damn you HGtv for having me believe that this would be a cakewalk. It’s the most insane thing I’ve ever done and will never do this again. Unless my girl starts pouting and meowing at me and then I know I’ll do it all over again.

Adventures Of A Simian

     In order to make our home truly ours we’ve decided to paint. In order to paint we have to shop which I truly loath. If I had a choice between shopping or being repeatedly punched in the nuts by midgets I would choose the midgets every time. It’s a no brainer and my girl knows this but I’m really trying to be a good guy and do the right thing.

      The part that sucks is that she expects me to be up at eight in the morning. This is rather hard because I’m usually up until two or three A.M reading or writing blogs. I’ve been single for two years so I have no set bedtime people. Thankfully my girl likes me the way I am as long as I pick up after myself which shouldn’t be too difficult.

      I know you’re asking yourself why I would agree to do something I hate and it’s a simple answer. Relationships are all about doing unpleasant shit. They make you attempt new things and do shit that you normally wouldn’t do. I really really like this woman and consider myself extremely lucky that of all the guys she could be with she chose me. I would do anything for this woman and if it means I have to shop so be it.

      There’s a hundred places to go for paint but I figured Wal-Mart would be a logical choice. You just can’t beat Wally-World in terms of pricing and it’s one of the few places on Earth that you can get Dorito’s and a gun at 2 A.M. There’s always something cool going on at this place. It’s a whitetrash circus and you never know what you’ll run into. Hillbilly’s love Wally-World and sometimes you even get a floor show.

     So we decide on our paint and go to get it mixed and we hit two problems. Well actually three if you count her over thinking and going beyond the paint. That’s my girl thinking two or three steps ahead when all we really needed to do was paint. I respect that about her even though I have to look into her eyes and calmly tell her to chill out. We don’t even want to think about that. We need to focus on right now. Not next week or even next month.

    The guy that was supposed to mix our shit informed us that one of our paints couldn’t be mixed due to a base issue and another couldn’t be mixed due to a lack of green. I look at my girl and I could literally see flames and knew that this dude was about to get five gallons of paint shoved up his ass.

     Somehow I became the voice of reason and said it was cool, it’s not a big deal. We’ll just go somewhere else and suck it up. My girl seriously would have shoved the cans of paint up the dudes ass and I didn’t want to explain to people why I got banned from Wally-World and  arrested all in the same day. It’d make a nice Christmas story but it’s just paint so why freak out?

     I’m a laid back guy and noticed that my girl isn’t. When she wants something it’s important that she gets it or people will suffer. She threw a salad at a lady at a drive-thru because the lid wasn’t secure and the salad tipped over and spilled. We’re looking to get our carpets cleaned in our house and my baby didn’t like a price quote so she e-mailed the guy back and told him he was fucking insane.

     This is my girl, I adore her but she has zero patience. None, and I didn’t notice it until today. I’m cool with not having the right paint and it was actually a good thing because we ended up at another place picked some color thingees and put them on our walls and had a vision of what it could look like. We weren’t stuck with shitty colors that we’d hate in a week.

      What really cracked me up was our trip to Burger King and she orders a salad. I’m like seriously? A salad?

This is the same woman that was going to cause serious anal injury to a man and she orders a salad. As long as she’s happy I’m happy. That’s the important thing. If she’s unhappy it could be my ass full of white semi-gloss.

     I’m a man, and that means a few things. We shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we make our own beef, jerky, we go on river boat gambling trips and now that’s all wrecked! Sorry, had to throw in that quote from Stepbrothers. I’m a man and normally I don’t give a fuck about decorating a house, but I’ve lived with my parents for two months and I have been watching a lot of HGtv.

     I used to think only fags were into decorating shit but I became a fucking home decorating addict. It’s fucking sad because I see an open floor concept and I get a boner. Walking through our new house I’m not the same dude. I don’t see a house that we could slap some paint on and move in. I’m thinking of exposing the natural wood, we’re talking design ideas for the basement and I’m fucking digging it.

      I’ve really changed in the last few months and since moving in with my girl I’m all about making this house the best it can be. Instead of just saying whatever you like I’m fine with she and I are working together. She wants my ideas and truly listens which is cool. Of course she’s ripping down wallpaper and I’m like; “Wait, the wall paper sucks but I like the border.” By the time I’ve reached this conclusion it’s already half gone.

     I love that she’s a hot nerd that’s creative. She makes this whole process fun. I hate shopping but with her it’s an adventure. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and love what we’re creating together. I was scared to death of commitment and the idea of living together but I’ve never been this happy.

     In the next few days I get to see this sexy woman covered in paint, dirt, and God knows what else so I’m preparing myself for the eyerolls and the whatevers when I tell her how hot she looks. I can’t get her to listen to anything because once she has her mind set on something it’s balls out or go home. She’s so so stubborn sometimes it’s maddening but that’s my girl. I know once she starts ripping up the carpet I can’t tell her to allow me to do it because she won’t.

     She’s already giving me deadlines and time frames and I don’t know how to move any faster. I’m working on the fly and half of our ideas we only discussed today. I have to teach this woman patience but how? I really do like her just the way she is so why even try? It’s like she said it’s an adventure so I may as well have fun.

       

Psycho Circus

      I had a what the fuck am I getting myself into moment the  night. I never had one of these  which really surprises me because I do a lot of random crazy shit. In all of my 39 years on this wondeful cesspool of filth we call earth have I ever thought it. It surprised me a little because I seem like a dude that has his shit pretty well together but if you peek under my skull cap you’ll realize I don’t.

     I finally got my house which feels really really good. Larger older house with plenty of space. While I was in it all by myself it was all quiet and ginourmous. I was proud of myself and damn it I deserved to be. Fresh start and a pretty amazing women and three equally amazing kids were moving in as well.

     Anyone who has read my blogs knows that I’m an every other weekend dad. Once the kids leave I return to my cave of silence and tranquility. For two years it’s been like that so of course I still have that single caveman territory syndrome. I like order and and if I decide to sleep until noon I can.

     The other night reality hit. This isn’t a bad thing it was just a bit overwhelming. In my excitement about the house I wanted my kids and of course my girl to see it because she is moving in and I figured she’d have to see it and sompoint. Being a guy who picked out a house on his own I was nervous. What if she hates it? Suddenly I had to throw up.

     Right when my exwife pulls up there’s my girl and all of our kids are present and accounted for. All together there are four kids going into the house and it’s a number I’m not used to. Off we go and as soon as the door opens they’re off like roaches. I can hear them running up and down the stairs, yelling and then it hit me. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

     These are kids mind you and it’s a new big empty house. Of course they’re going to run and act like pissed off indians on a warpath. I didn’t expect model behavior but holy shit this was pretty insane. I was married for sixteen years with three kids so you’d think it’d be like riding a bike but it really isn’t.

     Instead of freaking out I took it as it was. Four kids breaking in a house and I began to think how crazy this is all going to be pretty soon. I fuckin’ thrive on chaos and I don’t mind kids at all. I got this. Once we move in and settle in it’s going to be insane but I thrive on that shit. You give me three kids that are bored and I become a foul mouthed Uncle Buck.

Then you throw in my nine year old twins all bets are off. The adults are sadly outnumbered.

     Once I became used to the reality of it all I was cool. I had become so absorbed in being single and non chaotic I forget how much I missed it. It was wasn’t a home until she and the kids, wait, I don’t think the kids walked through the door they just kind of tumbled in.

     The scariest thing of all was handing her a key. I have only given a key to one other women and she ended up dropping off a dog that I didn’t really want or need. I have never been so freaked out ever. Your probably thinking what’s the worst that could happen? She threatened me with the sprayer from the kitchen sink for starters and you have no idea just how random this woman can be.

     As I’m going through the house I realized she could pop out anywhere. I get up in the morning and shuffle off for coffee and there are plenty of spots for her to jump out from. Even the kids are hiding in cupboards just waiting for me to open them. In the attic there are tons of places they could be just waiting to scare me or squirt me.

     I need to be on my toes all the time. I just thank God she’s a hot nerd. She has all these cool ideas for the house and I got nothing. I just follow her lead because the ideas she has just work and I of course have no idea what I’m doing. It’s a house, I move in, I’m good. Her, not so much. I did notice that she looked really good in this house. Especially in the kitchen.

     The next few blogs are going to be chock full of insanity. Random crazy shit that she and the kids do just to see if I’m paying attention. I’m pretty unphased by general chaos. While one person is having a mental meltdown I’m usually plotting. You never know what I’m up to. Someone has to stay calm and usually

it’s me.

    

I’ve been single for two years and I have to be retrained but the question is who’s doing the retraining? Is that why there’s a sprayer in the kitchen? I can see it now everytime I do something stupid I’m going to get sprayed our squirted.

     Living with two women in the house is going to be difficult. I always leave the toilet seat up because I’ve been single for so long it’s just how I roll. I live with my parents and every night I hear a scream that startles me awake. I then realize I left the toilet seat up and I giggle myself back to sleep.

     The thing is that no matter how freaked out I am about the whole thing I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I may need retraining and notes reminding me about the toilet sink and how I’m not supposed to drink out of the milk carton but I’m not a total fucktard all the time. I have moments of intellectual genious and behavior that doesn’t make people cringe. I just have to remember where I put it.

Amish Country

     Would’ve blogged this sooner but I was beat. Long day of traveling and I had to get my Ghost Hunters fix. I would love to hunt ghosts. Instead of running away like a little bitch I would run towards whatever came at me. How scary are ghosts anyway? I’ve had my share of real ghosts and sure I was startled but never so scared I pissed my pants in fear.

     Anyway back out to Amish country and as I was balls deep in farmland and cows I was listening to a band called The New York Dolls and it just didn’t fit what I was witnessing. There were all these farms, cows, and silo’s and thought this needed some Bach or Beethoven. Of course when your balls deep in farmland you really need some twangy ass country music to depress and make you feel as if you somehow belong there at least in spirit.

      When you hit Mt Hope Ohio and all these other small towns you really feel this timewarp effect especially when you pull into a parking lot and it’s full of horse drawn buggies. There’s a lot of horseshit piled around and I kept thinking wouldn’t it be cool if these nice Amish folks brought I dunno, maybe a shovel?

     Anytime I take a trip into Amish country I get giddy. Maybe I’m weird but I find Amish chicks hot. The dresses, the head gear. My girl saw a couple of Amish chicks coming out of a Giant Eagle and she immediately points and says “Look, there ya go.” The thing is that yeah, there are some hot Amish chicks but I’m perefectly content with my girl. I wonder why I’m suddenly into Amish chicks.

      I watched an episode of Breaking Amish and as soon as the bonnet and shit came off I was all like daaaaaaamn that bitch is hot. Maybe I’m weird. I dunno but there has to be other guys that are out there looking for hot Amish chicks. It was a quest. A quest that I never thought I’d complete. It’s like finding Bigfoot or mastering the clitoris. Once you find Bigfoot and master the clit then what? What else is there to explore?

      As I was getting ready to go a thought hit me. Aside from an Amish chick dancing slutty which sounds pretty bad because in reality there’s no electricity so what’s she going to dance to? There’s no music and by the time she got all her clothes off you’d be bored stiff (get it?). I can’t imagine that ever happening. There’s no way. These women wear clothes that make it impossible to guess what kind of sweater puppies they’re packing so forget for a second that these women are dancing naughty for their husbands.

     What I was thinking about was if they vote. It sounds pretty funny but to me it was a serious thought that made me stop washing. Why is it that I do most of my hardcore thinking in the shower? All of my important decisions have all come to me while I’ve been in the shower. I can wake up shuffle to the coffe pot with a cigarette and think of nothing. I get into the shower and I ponder the realities of global warming or why the dryer always eats one sock.

     As I stood there I realized they probably don’t vote. Why would they? None of what we face really effects them. They could give two shits about fuel or electricity costs. Maybe they’d like to ban cars because they scare the horses but they don’t own a tv and even if they read the news again it doesn’t really affect them. Would they vote a straight Republican ticket or would they vote Democrat?

     As I visited various stores I noticed that a lot of these Amish kids are working. I solved the problem of guns and low test scores. We should be more like the Amish. If they work a full time job there’s no time for shenanigans or gang banging. They work so they don’t really need to sell drugs anymore so there goes your crime rate. It would fall to record lows in a month.

     The thing that surprised me was in the restaurant we went to our hostess was a really pretty Amish girl but the girl busing tables wasn’t very pretty at all. She had a six thirty shadow and needed to be in a cage not busing tables. The hostess had breasts, and really cute ankles while the bus girl looked like an Amish is supposed to look. All inbred and charming. It fucked me up because the pretty hostess was all smiles while the busgirl shuffled about like she had accepted her fate in life of never getting the hostess gig.

     I was surprised by how many buggies there were yet not once did I hear; “Do you remember where we parked the buggy?” I wonder if that ever happens? All the buggies look identical so if you’re not looking at the horse it’s easy to get them confused. Those things are dangerous too. They may stop but suddenly go backward. Not fast mind you but fast enough to wonder what the hell the horse is thinking.

     Of course as I’m watching all these Amish people clop clop past I’m wondering if any of these people are licensed to in fact drive the buggy. It only seems fair to have a license to operate a buggy. There are a lot of things that could happen. The horse could get spooked or decide not to stop at a four way stop and I wanna know that if I get hit by a buggy their insurance is going to pay for any damages or injuries that could occur.

     You ever notice there’s no plates on any of those buggies? If the cops are chasing one how do you know you’re following the right one? Is there even a speed limit for buggies? You can’t ask a buggy driver how fast they were going because there’s no speedodometer. What if a horse decides fuck it I’m tired of pulling these people and just starts running off? You would need a license and registration right? Is the horse or operator cited for speeding?

     The one thing I noticed is that there’s no shortage of thrift stores in Amish country but not one of them carry used Amish clothing. Maybe just maybe, I’d like a nice itchy Amish suit and hat. Is it wrong to have the option to pretend to be Amish for a day? I’ve seen the dresses these chicks wear and I think my girl would look pretty fuckin’ hot in one. Not that she’d ever wear one but a man can dream can’t he?

     I did manage to find a couple of Cds today. It tripped me out because I haven’t bought a physical Cd in years. I’m so used to either burning MP3 Cds or downloading my music onto my SD card that I forgot that there are booklets in phsyical discs. I lost all my music in my house fire so all I have now is stored on my SD card.

     It was pretty cool because I found two discs that are in my top five. At the first thrift store I’m looking through the normal crap they always have like The Backstreet Boys and Enya and notice Paul Stanley’s Live To Win album. As a one time Kissfanatic I heard the disc a week before it came loved it and played it for a month straight. I pull it out expecting the disc to be beat to shit but it’s a mint promo copy. Coolest thing was it was only paid a buck for it.

      I go across the street and find Kingdom Come’s debut album on Cd at a Goodwill. I had this on cassette for years and I had played it so much the tape had drop outs and was quite thin. I loved this record and realized that it was among the musical casualties of my house fire. I was surprised that it was again in mint condition and was even more stoked to pay $1.99 for it.

     Amish country is full of cool stores and restaurants but you do have to watch out for buggies and horse shit. I’m telling you those people need to carry a shovel and why in the hell did two Amish thrift stores have to of the greatest cd’s ever created? I don’t get it but it’s quite cool when dig below the Yanni and Enya and find some Paul fuckin’ Stanley and Kingdom Come.     

Babylon

     After a few semi serious blogs let’s move back into the absurd and dry sense of humor people come to expect. I may need a disclaimer but fuck it. Read at your own risk blah blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I can’t be a role model people. It takes too much energy and besides a role model should be dependable and fun for the whole family which I’m not.

     People ask me what I want for my birthday, and Christmas and I always say the same thing. World peace and a puppy. It’s pretty funny because world peace is unattainable. Imagine how fucking bored we’d all be if violence and war didn’t exist. It’d be a G-rated existence and what would we do all day? No need for swear words and angry sex wouldn’t exist.

      War is necessary for two reasons. The first is to show dominance. I live in a country that hugged it out with native Americans and then stole their land and slaughtered them. America was founded on a fuck you mentality. If you disagreed with us or our views you got your ass kicked. America needs a class on bullying. Any country says the same thing; “If they disagree with us we must bomb them!”

     The second reason is to thin the herd, to separate the weak from the strong. War retains status quo and keeps the population from getting out of control. In a war everyone dies eventually and if you’re winning it bolsters the economy. We all love a bolstered economy at the expense of a few assholes that tried to be a smart ass.

     If you look at the hippies they were all about making love and not war but it just wasn’t possible. War is what makes a country a bad ass. If you go around sticking flowers in a soldiers gun you’ll get your face shot off and for good reason. The hippies should’ve just stuck to drugs and sex because I can follow one of those. Shit if it would’ve gotten me laid I’d be a hippy too. Fuck war now take off your pants. If we have enough sex maybe we’ll eradicate war.

     I can understand how they felt though. In any war no world leaders ever volunteer to go to the front lines and there’s a good reason for that. The poor make great sacrificial lambs. As long there are willing poor people no congressman, president, prince, or king will have to actually fight in a war. Why would they? They may actual die and we can’t have that now can we?

     Let’s be honest here and admit that war sucks but you can’t stop it. Every country is soaked in blood and violence. Every night the news is a running commentary on people dying and doing shit that makes us want to never leave the house. To balance out how fucked up we are they show a few kittens in a box and we feel a little better about ourselves. Today four people died in a tragic apartment fire, an eighty-year old man stabbed his wife to death and now here’s Bob the water skiing squirrel. Look at Bob go.

     As a society war and violence keeps us in check. It makes us feel a little better about ourselves. We may be fucked up but at least we’re not the guy that beat the shit out of his wife and shot her. We know that as Americans once we have a beef with anyone we’ll promtly bitch slap that country and make it our bitch. That’s just how we roll.

     For centuries we’ve all been dominated by sex and violence. It’s what we’ve evolved from. We’re always going to be either fucking or fighting. Our forefathers walked with a pimp strut and dared anyone to fuck with us. Everyone’s like that. Civil wars are a bitch because now you have your neighbor possibly kicking your ass and when any war is over there should be that moment where the winning party asks; “Who’s the bitch now?”

     We all can’t be Switzerland. Who wants to be neutral all the time? I guarantee you one day some shit’ll pop off and Switzerland will be all sex crazed and retard strong. They are going to snap and God help anyone who stands in their way. Even the Swiss Miss Lady will be armed to the teeth and instead of hot Coco she’ll be throwing grenades.

     Lastly the religious folks are the most violent people on the planet. They’re so consumed with being right they will start a war over God. To prove just how tough their God is they will slaughter opposing religions. The Bible never said we must kill those who disgree with us. What would Jesus say? Didn’t he say thou shalt not kill?

     Jesus was all about hugging it out not killing other religious folks. That ain’t right people. We should love another not kill somone because you feel God told you to. What happens when you all get to heaven? Another war? Jesus was the first hippy and all of this war is really a bum trip for him. You took what he said out of context and I bet he’s pissed. He’s always saying give peace a chance.

     Religious war never made sense to me and now I tried to write a blog that wasn’t all that serious and I failed again. Damn it. Maybe I’ll take a break for awhile and try and ponder how I can return to my funny bone. I’ve reached a new level and I doubt that people will agree with me but who cares. I had fun and in the end isn’t that really all that matters?

Just A Thought

     I should really run a disclaimer here about how opinions henceforth and foursquared are mine and don’t necessarily follow the opinions of other folk. I want people to think for themselves and if they read this don’t be a sheep and nod your head and agree unless you really have pondered it and truly do.

     With that out of the way shall we begin? Last night I went to a religious play. I had no idea what I was in for so I of course Goggled it and saw that it was about death and what happens when you die. You either go to Heaven, or Hell. No middle ground at all really just two options. Once I discovered this I made a decision that truly affected the rest of my life.

     Instead of being like everyone else in the auditorium of this church I would view not only the play but the entire topic of religion as an intellectual. I wouldn’t allow my heart to make a decision at all. Once the play began I knew I made the right decision but the intellectual side was working over time.

     As the play began you were subjected to Jesus being nailed to the cross which makes everyone a bit weepy. Let’s be honest and say it’s a powerful visual and one designed to melt the hardest of hearts. He died for us you poor slob and don’t you forget it! I began to notice that this is an image that all Christians use to persuade sinners and unbelievers to come over to Jesus. He was nailed for you, he died for you. Allow your guilt over your proverbial sins to allow Jesus into your heart.

      Of course you then had Satan, the evil villain in a fright mask and distorted voice. Frightening? Sure, but I noticed again the pattern here and it was a bit shocking to me. Good vs evil at it’s very best. Satan hates you, he wants you to suffer and loves it when you hate Jesus. Very powerful stuff and it’s very effective.

     The play was a shock and awe campaign designed to literally scare the hell out of those who don’t believe in jesus who in my opinion is a bit too huggy. He has his arms outstretched and reminds me of a hippy minus the drugs and dirt. Satan was displayed as a sharp contrast to the hugs and love. He was clearly the villiain and you could tell people were moved by scenes of sinners being dragged off to hell.

     As an intellectual I saw religion a little differently than I did before. Had I allowed my heart to make any decisions I would have been a weeping mess declaring to everyone that I was a wretched sinner that needs a hug from Jesus. If I allowed my heart to decide my fate this blog may have turned out differently.

     I started to distance myself a bit from the scenes of Jesus hugs and a giddy Satan dragging people off to hell. I was wrong all along people. I no longer share the beliefs that I once held so dear. I don’t know what I believe anymore. Intellectually I saw the opinions of other religions side by side with those that I was witnessing and couldn’t say who I agree with.

     Am I anti-God and hell? I can’t say because what I don’t want to argue with those who do. My own personal opinion on the matter is that to an extent I agree with those who don’t believe in hell even though it’s supposed to be in The Bible. Do I even believe that The Bible is in fact real? I don’t know. Religion is one of those things you can’t prove or disprove. People have been greatly improved through Religion and let’s be honest and admit that people have been greatly harmed by Religion.

      I sat back and watched this play and saw just how ridiculous it all was. We use Satan and hell to scare people into believing in God but what if there is no hell? What if there is no God, or Jesus? I wrote all of these blogs proclaiming faith in Jesus and Heaven but was it all a wasted effort? I have no idea and my heart of course is telling me I’m making a mistake by moving away from my faith and allowing myself to live my life the way I want to.

     I sat there and I realized that I needed to broaden myself a bit and remove my heart from all decision making. I needed to start looking at relationships and everything I do from an intellectual basis. Start removing people and doing things that benefit me as a person not because it feels right but it will benefit me as a person. When you start to view Religion differently it affects your entire outlook.

     We allow our heart to make most of our decisions and that’s why we end up where we are. Instead of thinking things through we always end up in situations that are harmful. I need to retrain myself to look at my life and remove the distractions, the things that in the long run aren’t going to work out and may in fact do more harm than good.

     The heart may give us life but at the same time it also leads us to death. Not physical death mind you, but emotional death. It causes us to be involved in things that we have no business being involved in and even our religious beliefs are a direct result of the heart being overwhelmed with what could happen. Fuck that I’m realigning myself to do what matters, and what affects me in the long run. I refuse to make any decisions without thinking them through and seeing how it could play out.

      That play truly opened my eyes and I see myself as a new man. One who is now driven by intellect instead of emotion and I have to tell you that it feels pretty damn good. I’m able to see a lot clearer than I ever had and I wish I had done this a helluva lot sooner.