One of my all time favorite bands is King’s X. Some people need to go to church to feel spiritual but me? I put on my head phones on and King’s X speaks to my soul, it calms me a bit, and even centers me. When I feel as if the world is caving in around me I put on Alright and I see the possibilities.
I don’t like to think about the past at all and feel that the reason we’re where we are at this moment is through our decisions both good and bad. Anytime I feel a funk creeping in I immediately turn on King’s X. Problem now is that I am heading into a funk and nothing is going to fix it.
The problem is that I have a birthday coming up and I of course am in a situation that is beyond my control. I lost my house I’m broke as fuck and I just feel worthless as a human being. We all go through it I’m sure but I never have and it pisses me off.
Maybe it’s because of how old I’m going to be. The closer I get to my birthday the more freaked I become. 39. Holy shit how did that happen? I used to joke that I’d be dead at 25 and here I am staring 39 in the eye. How the hell did that happen?
I thought I’d accomplish a lot more than I have and the imprint I’ve left isn’t all that big. I thought about how people want the the American Dream and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I was married, had kids and then poof all gone.
I did what anyone else would do which is start over and just distance myself from people. That didn’t work out so well and I’m just as confused as ever. I usually have order among the chaos in my life but I lost the order and now just have full tilt chaos. I’m stuck and can’t fix it.
Now I have this goddamn birthday coming up and I just want to ignore it. I want to stay in bed all day and hide. The last three months have really fucked me up and a birthday just reminds me that sure I’m older but what exactly have I accomplished?
I even feel older and do you know how much that sucks? I wake up with a stiff neck and dick, and Buttercup has taken up half my bed. I want to be back in my own house, surrounded by my books and the life I used to have. I want this all to be a nightmare but as soon as I open my eyes I realize it’s not.
I do what I always do. I plaster on a fake smile and plow this shit one more time. I try not to dwell or reflect because there’s some shit I shouldn’t dwell and reflect on. Too unhealthy. I swear if I ever went to a psychiatrist they’d need therapy when I was through. I’d be holding the therapist and urging her to cry and let it all out.
The one thing I’ve learned is that in our life we’ve fucked, dated, loved, and alienated the wrong people. We’ve all thought that the person we loved wasn’t the person we loved after all. Instead of dwelling there has to be a period of acceptance. You just embrace what you have and move forward the best way you can.
At some point the person you love will walk into your life and knock you on your ass and more often than not they will frustrate the hell out of you. As Saturday looms closer I’m planning an exit strategy. I need to find somewhere to hide. Doesn’t have to be fancy just warm and dry.
I may be in a funk but I do know that there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. My life has never been easy but I can say I survived. I danced with my shirt off, had some mind blowing sex and lived life the best way I knew how. I just need to forget this birthday bullshit and find a place to hide.
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