Part of the problem with my getting older is that the music now really sucks. I was fortunate to grow up in an era when music was maturing to a degree. I had all the stuff from the sixties and seventies and of course the heavy fuckin’ metal. As a kid there was a lot of great music that knocked your dick in the dirt.

     I was all about songs about fucking. Makes sense because that’s what guys think about every two seconds. Hell writing this paragraph I thought about sex twenty times. Lovegun by Kiss is a classic song and it’s about Paul Stanley’s dick. Shit, it’s about all our dicks. Hallmark should put out a Valentine’s Day card with just the line; You pull the trigger of my lovegun. Happy Valentine’s Day.

      Kiss wrote a lot of songs about fucking. Rockhard is about a chick and she makes us hard as shit. As men we don’t need foreplay or romance. If our pants come off we’re good. Ladies if you ask us if we wanna fuck, that’s foreplay. As men we can be romantic for as long as you want but keep in mind we’re dudes and if you accidently graze our dicks we’re assuming we’re fucking.

     Women usually don’t say let’s fuck but imagine if they did! How hot would that be? Not all the time but once in awhile just walk in the house and rip everything off the kitchen table and order us to be as nasty as we wanna be. Sometimes when you have sex it’s ok to break shit, it’s acceptable to pull muscles.

     One of my favorite songs will always be Balls To The Wall by Accept. The song doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but everytime I hear it I’m like hell yeah, that’s metal right there. Then I realized how gay the song sounded lyrically. Do you really wanna hang out with a bunch of dudes and put your balls to the wall? Not really. It’d be a little awkward. I tried to put my balls to the wall once and my dick kept getting in the way. I looked a tad foolish and not very metal.

     Hair metal was always written off as juvenile but what was so juvenile about getting laid? For us seeing a naked woman or at least touching her was our Holy Grail. We watched all these videos with hot chicks getting squirted with fire hoses and writhing on cars it gave us the impression that all women were like this. We were suckered into believing that once we closed that bedroom door our girlfriends would turn into sex crazed strippers.

      Do you know how many women turned out like that? Maybe three or four. Women have rules and regulations. They tell you right from beginning what you can and can’t have. You can touch this, this, and this, but you can’t touch this. What the fuck? Isn’t it always the shit we never thought about touching that they say we can’t touch? Now we feel compelled touch it just because they said we can’t.

     What kills me is that I thought that because I was married I had women figured out. Not true at all. I only had my ex-wife figured out and now the girl I’m seeing is completely different than any other girl I’ve ever dated. Totally unpredictable and always keeps me guessing. When she mentioned that she was going to start commenting on my blogs I got a little worried. I have no idea where or when she’s going to strike.

     As men we’re clueless by nature. Metal didn’t help us at all. When I was married I was still listening to songs about fucking but we couldn’t say we were fucking. Never. I tried to say it to a girl and she said it was rude. See I was married for seventeen years and still can’t figure women out. We’re men. We are always going to fuck up. We can be all romantic and still say; “Wanna fuck?” Women will always bust our balls about it too.

     Hair metal didn’t teach me anything about real women. If I were at some point going to date a stripper maybe I could get some pointers but everything I’ve heard in those songs would get me slapped if I tried to use them on real women. I dare anyone to walk up to their girlfriend and ask her to squeeze your lemon until the juice runs down your leg. Let me know how long they laugh and if they actual know what you’re talking about.

     W.A.S.P. was a favorite band of my mine for a very long time as a kid and it’s easy to see why. Blackie Lawless wrote songs that glorified sex. In a lot of those songs women were always treated as objects. Hell look at some of those song titles. 9.5. Nasty, On Your Knees, Animal (Fuck Like A Beast), shit I could go on. I loved the idea that women were pieces of meat and I wished I could be like that. I just want to fuck and roll. I don’t want to commit, I don’t want to be your dude, just be my dirty little sex puppet.

     Of course once we realized that women don’t like to be objectified as sexual conquests we realized that we actually liked having them around. We started seeing them as equals and less like pieces of meat. Instead of Pour Some Sugar On Me we got sappy and listened to Without You because we were suddenly in love. What the fuck?

     The music of today just isn’t as fun as it used to be. I still hear Cherry Pie and giggle. That’s a song about a girl’s muff and how many times have we listened to that and thought of our girlfriends or wives? Warrant wrote two of the greatest songs about sex and I thank Jani Lane for Cherry Pie and Love In Stereo. Where would strippers be without Pour Some Sugar on me? Hell even Ratt wrote some good songs about sex.

     Screw all the mopey songs about alienation and self loathing. I want songs about sex and how hot our girls body is. We want songs that remind us just how awesome sex is. As men we often need to hear Lovegun, or Let’s Put The X in Sex, or Motley’s Crue’s Slice Of Your Pie. We can handle romance and shit but as men sometimes we just wanna fuck. That’s not a lot to ask for is it?


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