Adventures In The Middle Of Nowhere



      This is by far the creepiest doll I have ever seen. As soon as I saw it I wondered if it was owned by some sadistic Amish kid. It was in a flea market that obviously specialized in stuff that no one wanted. If anyone actually buys this doll I’m pretty sure it will kill you while you sleep. Count the phalanges on its right hand. I hate dolls and this one wins an award for creepiest doll ever.

     My trip to Amish country wasn’t all that bad aside from that creepy fucking doll. I actually sat it up like that just to freak people out. I kept expecting its head to rotate or vomit split pea soup the second I moved it. If it had a voice I’m sure it would be a voice created by raw eggs, whiskey and cigarettes.

     We were in Brewster Ohio, don’t ask me where that is because after awhile all the farms run together and the steady clacking of horses hooves sounded like music. People go to the country for the smell and I have been to Amish country on numerous occasions and it always smells like shit. There’s no escaping it because you’re surrounded by farms and as I stepped out of the car to head into various stores I realized that while I like the quiet and the scenery I hate the smell of shit.

     As a society we have really come to rely on our technology a little too much. Half way in I lost all cell service. No Facebook checkins, no phone calls, or texts. Total blackout and I was a little concerned at first because my cell is my link to everything but without my phone I was able to see more. A group of cows on either side of the road in some kind of standoff, a turkey and all sorts of stuff I would’ve missed if I had been glued to my phone.

     Being cut off like that was a break I truly needed. I was able to have fun and not worry about my Facebook status or answering texts. I absorbed the environment and saw all these quaint shops that offered weird stuff like shoeing, or small family owned hardware stores. The thing I noticed about the Amish was how tied in they were to their family. There were no distractions and they looked happy.

     My quest to find a hot Amish chick was fulfilled. I’m not looking to hook up with an Amish chick at all. Every Amish chick I have ever seen were furry, dirty, or unattractive. I never thought there were hot Amish chicks but I was wrong. I was stunned. The more I looked around there was even a hot Amish chick riding a bike. The girl that waited on us was even hot! I swear when she gave my step-father a coffee refill her thigh brushed against my shoulder. I think she have been flirting with me.


     This horse frightened me. I swear it kept looking at me and stomping his back feet. There’s no way to run from a three thousand pound horse and once he snorted I figured I should leave. I’m not a big fan of horses and to see this thing staring at you makes you a little nervous. Sure he’s a horse but he’s a big fucking horse.



     The smallest thrift store ever. I love this place because the aisles are so narrow you have to watch where you walk. The floors creak but the book selection they have is well worth the trip. Love this place. Hell, I love thrift stores period but this place for some reason is my all time favorite.

     The coolest thing I saw aside from the big ass horse and creepy doll was a couple of Amish chicks milking a cow. There’s just something sexy about a chick milking a cow. I didn’t realize you had to slap the udders and felt bad for the cow. As men we learn that sometimes a titty slap will get our asses kicked but the cow was digging it. They were cooing to it and even talking to it. I made a mental note to always talk to breasts.

     Wouldn’t that be a little creepy though? You’re trying to be romantic and suddenly you start talking to titties. I’m thinking maybe I should skip the titty pep talk and just smack ’em a little. Just to see what happens. As guys we sometimes need to test our boundries right?

     As we’re driving along I noticed these people don’t have electricity. Not just houses mind you but entire farms. We take our shit for granted and these backward folks are running everything on generators and propane. We say we have it rough? Try being twelve and running a cash register or being the girl that carries around a shovel to pick up horse crap.

     My road trip today was a blast. I fell off the grid for awhile and survived. I got to see another side of life that we’re too afraid to live in. These Amish folks live simple lives and we freak out when our cell phones drop a call. I saw buggies filled with smiling people that were perfectly ok without technology. I thought about dropping off the grid for awhile but I simply don’t have the balls.

     Can you see me farming or churning butter? Do Amish people even have sex? They don’t have televisions or even lights so they must be doing something. I would be humping in the buggy, the barn, the cornfield. There’s a lot of empty wide open space. I’d be the only Amish guy who fucked himself to death. The women wear these long dresses and head coverings. I wonder if they do stripteases? A sexy hot Amish strip tease.

     The thing I needed most was to just escape the funk I was in and this trip did it. I needed a change of scenery and I think all we all need an entire day to unwind and forget about everything for awhile. Sure it’s  still here but I can deal with it now. I wonder if I can talk my girl into wearing one of those Amish dresses? Probably not and I know once she reads this paragraph she’s going to smack me.


     See there’s plenty of room in there to have sex. I think I just added something to my bucket list.

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