So now we once again hit rock bottom with my blog. We hit a valley and then wham! Sucks doesn’t it? First I become all gung-ho for Jesus and now nobody knows what to expect anymore. For would be bloggers and those already blogging there is an important lesson. Have fun. Fuck writing serious shit all the time. You know what happens when you write serious all the time? You depress people and you know what depressed people do? They kill themselves.
On the other side you have people who say you can’t talk about sex either. Do you realize how many people are fucking right now? Millions of people just going at it. I would be but sadly I live with my mother and I can’t fuck with my mom in the next room. I gotta wait until my mom leaves and then bust my nut.
I hate all you people that can fuck all willy nilly. You kick open the front door and get freaky. When you live with your parents at a certain age you gotta wait until mom leaves and pray that she doesn’t come home while your balls deep. She may like your girlfriend but if she walks in on you fuckin’ it makes for some awkward holidays. Your girlfriend can never look your mom in the eye after that.
A word of advice. Never, ever date a stripper. You bring her home at Christmas and you have to come up with a good career because if you tell your parents she’s a stripper your mom will flip out and if you leave your dad alone with her you know he’ll be getting a lap dance during the Steelers game. She’ll make at least a grand at the New Years Eve party your friends will throw just because you date a stripper.
I couldn’t date a stripper. It would bother me to know that my woman shows her cookies for money. Forget about getting a dance after work. She’s already danced for a hundred people who tipped her why would she dance for you? The big question is do you tip her?
One show that always amuses me to no end is Maury. The baby daddy episodes especially because you always have at least one dude who swears up and down that the baby isn’t his and when it is he looks like someone punched him in the dick. What’s worse is the woman who is all in his face yelling at him. Why is she yelling? He has to pay for this kid right? Why all the yelling?
If you have a kid and find out that you have no idea who the baby daddy is you need to stop fucking. How do you forget who got you pregnant? If you had ten dicks in you why the hell drag that on tv? If you’re sober and fuck a lot and get pregnant don’t make it your quest to find the father. You’re a nasty bitch and I bet your pussy looks like a battered catchers mitt. Do you like dick so much you just invite random dudes over to play Marco Polo with your pussy?
Think of the kid for fuck’s sake. How do you explain that? There was just a week where I was a total cock monster and I just had to have that dick. I woke up and craved dick, before I went to bed I craved dick. Dick dick dick, gotta have me some dick. What kind of wives are these women going to be? Everytime they bend over or fart a dick’ll pop out.
Cheaters shouldn’t agree to go on Maury if they’re cheating. Just fess up and take the ass whoppin’. No need to go on tv and look stupid. “I don’t know Maury I was walking down the street and I tripped and my dick went in her. I would never cheat Maury.” Of course they put the dude in the green room and he’s got his tongue wedged in a decoy’s ass crack. The green room is death for cheaters. You would think they would know this by now. Not once has a dude ever passed on a decoy.
I told my girl that I would never ever cheat on her or lie to her but if she ever decided to drag me on Maury and I was lying I’d fake an illness just to not take a lie detector test and you better believe I’d avoid that fuckin’ green room. If you know you’re lying to your girl and you take a lie detector test you know you failed. It is funny how they always say the test is wrong. They flip chairs, flip Maury. But they never admit that their lying.
Have you ever seen the ones where the topic is chicks with dicks? They have these guys who are dating women but surprise! They’re dudes. How in the hell did they not know that was a dude? The creepy part is that they even had sex with these umm dudes. How do you hide a dick? Seriously. At some point the bulge in the front would be a dead giveaway. That surely ain’t a camel toe. As soon as it walks out I’m all yelling at the idiot who not only kissed a dude but had sex with it.
It just proves that some men are stupid. I’ve seen Silence Of The Lambs and have done the Buffalo Bill dance. Sometimes that shit just doesn’t wanna tuck in there. It always flops back out. If you’re pretending to be a chick you can’t call time out to grab the duck tape. Women are a little creeped out when dudes do that. So don’t ever do it. Not even to see the look of horror that creeps onto her face as you open the robe and you have one ball hanging out.
I feel a lecture coming on and another list. Shit I gotta block my girl from reading my blog or maybe stop writing random shit that I know she’s gonna see. I’m learning that when I write a blog maybe there is some shit I shouldn’t talk about. If I see a text that says I saw your blog I’m fucked. Especially after the last few I wrote. Maybe now whenever I see her I’ll just hum Goodbye Horses. On second thought maybe not.
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