A List

      An actual blog in which I don’t talk about anything offensive. Sounds impossible right? No dick or fart jokes, no comments about anything that would offend mormons or anyone without a sense of humor. A serious blog about serious issues. Stand back Dear Abby this blog could knock your tits off. A blog so serious it’ll feel like you were fisted by Andre The Giant.

     I was talking to my girl this evening and I mentioned that I was compiling a list. I figured since she keeps promising to create one for me it only seemed fair to create one for her. I don’t see why I would need a list. I’m assuming it’s a list of acceptable behavior, and things I can’t say or attempt to do. I don’t know why she thinks I can’t behave myself.

     She also says that I have a lack of focus and I’m quite ADD. So I wander off occasionally and will sometimes start a conversation and head off to find a cookie or a soda. Doesn’t mean anything. Just means that I have a short attention span. We all have those types of issues.

     Tonight I mentioned that while we’re watching the Big Bang Theory and we’re snuggled on the couch she can’t squirm. Not once. Any squirming will get her kicked off the couch or bed or wherever we’re watching it. She said that my ADD and lack of focus would make it hard to compile a list.

      I have until Sunday to start this list and it’s proving quite difficult already. I spent a half hour listening to Rush, and then wandered downstairs to grab some snacks. I then had to charge my phone and figured this whole list idea would make a great blog.

     The list is no longer an issue. The issue is actually writing the damn thing just so I can prove to her that I can do it. If I can write a blog surely a list should be simple right? The blog though is different from a list. A list does take a lot of focus and concentration.

     In order to write my blog all I need is one simple idea and I run with it. I can have a simple idea such as titties and off I go. Titties are quite amazing aren’t they? Jusy once I’d like to look my girl in the eye and say; “Now show me them titties” I’d get an eyeroll and a smack followed by; “Ole” 

     There’s no structure or outline to any of my blogs and this list is taunting me. If I don’t do it then she’ll say she was right and as a man I can’t even begin to let her know she was right. I hate being wrong. It’s like coming in third in The Special Olympics. If I were smart I wouldn’t have said anything but I never said I was the sharpest peanut in the turd.

     Of course she’ll read this and start fucking with me. She’s very very cute and knows how to make me lose all thought and concentration. It’s not fair how she can bat her eyes and I willingly allow her to be the boss  in our relationship. I would also willingly follow her anywhere because for the first time in a long time I truly trust some one and I’m not faking it.

      The problem with this list is that there is nothing wrong with her. She’s smart, she’s funny, and she’s very beautiful. There’s nothing she does that annoys or drives me batshit crazy. In a relationship I like order and structure. She’s totally unpredictable and sometimes that scares me but that’s what I love about her.

     This list is hard because there’s nothing I want her to change. She’s perfect the way she is so why would I fuck that up? If this were The Big Bang Theory she’d be my Penny. This list is hard because I’ve never met a woman quite like her. All the structure and orginization I like about relationships she throws out the window. If she were following me it wouldn’t be quite as much fun. I have no idea where we’re going but as long she leads I’ll follow.

     Now I have to work on this list. How the fuck am I going to pull this off? I got nothing and I know you’re reading this no texting tick tock tick tock or focus Monkey because for the first time ever I truly can’t focus on a list that I probably can’t even begin. I learned a valuable lesson here. Sometimes it’s ok to keep your mouth shut. I won’t say you’re right so don’t ask. Never going to say it ever. Stop pouting. I can’t see it so it won’t work. I’m screwed.

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