The demise. Sounds a bit ominous doesn’t it? Let me start by saying that for the most part I’m relatively healthy or at least think I am. This blog is an attempt to answer a few questions about my faith and what exactly happened to bring me to where I am at this moment. The demise just fit and I truly have avoided the obvious question of what happened.
If you read a few of the older blogs you’ll notice that I was a Christian that truly had a firm grasp on The Bible and my faith. People wanted me to become a preacher and I thought at one time that I wanted to lead people to Christ. What happens when the faith begins to waver? What happens when you question what is you believe in?
I saw a guy on television yesterday running around his church smacking people on the head yelling; “Feel the power of Jesus!” How insane is that? I wanted to break away from the craziness that filters into religion but the further away I got from my faith the more I saw just how insane a lot of these people truly are.
I started to doubt my faith when my life started to unravel. The breaking point for me was the house fire. I kept hearing that if you just believe in God he supposedly takes care of you yet I wasn’t feeling the love. I got to a point where I remember praying and truly believing that I would be delivered from all the insanity that I was dealing with. It never happened.
I kept hearing that I just didn’t believe enough and that I would be delivered it just takes time. Really? How much time are we talking? My marriage fell apart, I was getting my ass kicked by child support and then my son caught my house on fire. Where in the hell was God? Somehow I find that faith in God is a bullshit concept.
Don’t get the wrong idea either. I’m not blaming God at all. I don’t think God had anything to do with any of it but he didn’t intervene at all. Instead of continuing to believe in God I kicked him the hell out of my life and decided he needed to be fired. I needed to take control of my own life and stop thinking that because I’m a Christian my life’s going to improve because God’s in control. Not true at all.
After the fire and in the last few months the demise of my faith became evident. It solidified that the last few years have been wasted by this belief in a higher power. I reflected on what it was that made me happy and my faith when it was strong just wasn’t enough for God to make a difference in my life. I put aside the faith, the Christianity and started to live my life the way I wanted.
Christians like to believe that God is working in their lives all the time. They find twenty bucks and somehow God put it there for them to find. It wasn’t God at all. Someone dropped it unknowingly and you just happened to find it. You can put God anywhere. God gave me cancer, God killed my dog. It’s easy to forget all that and focus soley on the shit that makes God look good.
I’m not an atheist now just a realist. If you believe in God try and take a real look at what you truly believe and ask yourself if what you’re saying makes any sense. I can’t say my house caught on fire for a reason. What fucking reason is there other than to show me that less is more or that we as Americans put too much stock on personal belongings. All we need is God, he supplies everything. Fuck you.
I went to church a few weeks ago and watched others around me and wondered what they would do if they were in my shoes. After being pounded into the ground repeatedly would they still clutch onto God or figure fuck it it’s time to cut our losses? These people were sold on an idea that God supplies, that God listens but I’m proof that he doesn’t.
I embraced the fact that I needed a change. I needed to reflect a bit before even writing this blog because I know how Christians are. I know how narrow minded they are. If I were to truly come back to the black part of who I was I knew I had to make changes. I couldn’t be angry at God because he dropped the ball. I also knew that I couldn’t allow myself to sink into a depression or be anti-religion. It’s just not who I am.
In these past few blogs I’ve allowed myself to shed my religious past. This is who I was before I became a Christian and I understand that people won’t understand why I chose to revert back to who I once was but I felt that it was important to be honest with myself and be exactly who I am without fear of some sort of backlash.
I’m severing ties with religion and for the first time in a long time I’m having fun. I’m not concerned anymore with what people are going to think, or what they’re going to say. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m not the guy going around slapping people in the head telling them to feel the power of Jesus. I held off on writing this blog for a while but I felt it was time to face those who are concerned and wonder what happened.
My faith in God is gone. It’s not broken, it isn’t something I want to try and fix either. I want to separate myself from religion and to let them know that this who I am now. You don’t have to accept it or even acknowledge it because it’s a dead issue. I know that there are people praying that I’ll come to senses and guess what? I did. I told God to take a hike and waved a fond farewell as he walked out of my life.
The obvious question is now what? Where do I go from here? I have no idea but it’s going to be fun to figure it out. I just plan on continuing to write this blog the same way I’ve always done. It may be vulgar and sometimes bitter but what else would you expect from me. Life is an adventure not a destination and I’m having a blast right now. All I can say is strap in because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
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