Last night I was thinking and I realized that my adulthood has gone in three stages. The first stage started at nineteen. I become a husband and father and I loved how that gave me an identity. I thought I was doing pretty well but the bottom fell out and I lost who I was. For sixteen years I was a husband and father and that was all gone. It took me a long time to feel comfortable as a single man.
The second stage was me being single. That was something I could never truly grasp. I liked the idea of being single but never could master it. I had no idea what I was doing half the time and felt that in order to truly date again I had to find out who I was. That was insane because I had to strip away the identity of me the husband and father and recreate me as a single entity.
I never thought I’d date again. It was too painful to think about. I kept thinking what if and once you start thinking what if then you’re truly screwed. All that baggage and fear would always bubble up to the surface and I’d resume my life as a single guy. I was content playing video games and existing in my man cave without any women interfering.
What I noticed is that at every conclusion of a stage in my life something catastrophic happens. The first stage ended with my wife and I splitting up, the second stage ended when my son caught my house on fire. It’s a helluva way to end stages isn’t it?
I was surprised that there are in fact three stages so far and I guess it makes sense. I’m not a very open person and find it very difficult to trust anyone due to issues that a therapist would love to hear. Therapy won’t help because I like solving my problems on my own. I hate being open and talking about myself. I’m just not wired that way.
Little did I know that after my house caught on fire I would be entering the third stage which is extremely frightening at times. If you read some of my older blogs I talked a great deal about being single and how I liked being in control. What happens when you start to feel that control slipping away? What are you supposed to do when you find yourself doing everything you said you wouldn’t do?
I have always done well at avoiding things. It’s what I do best. If I feel that I’m falling for someone I shouldn’t I date other people just to ignore the way I feel. I have never done that before and I can say it’s a shitty thing to do but at the time it was necessary. What made being single so easy was that I excell at being alone. I don’t need people around me because I never feel alone.
The third stage is by far the most insane stage I’ve ever encountered because I’m not a patient person and I hate feeling stuck. Normally I’d muddle through on my own but I don’t have to do that anymore and that scares the shit out of me. I’m so used to being broken that I gave up on trying to be fixed. I figured fuck it this is who I am so why bother changing.
I am a bit of an asshole and a social retard but what matters is that I’ve survived 39 years without changing or compromising who I am. I still hold the same beliefs and values I always have. During each stage of my life I learn a little bit more about who I am. When I write a blog about my dick or something stupid that I did I never second guess myself.
When I met my wife I had never fallen in love before. Not once. I closed myself off because I saw through others just how painful it could be. I didn’t want that pain at all. When my marriage ended I decided to never do that again. Up went the wall and I retreated into myself. I avoided dating for a valid reason. Love sucked and I didn’t want to go through it again.
That second stage was important because I learned to rely on myself and be comfortable on my own. Without relationships to bog me down I was able to learn who I was and what I wanted. Until two months ago I still didn’t know. When my marriage fell apart I hated women. Fucking HATED them. Who could blame me.
Now I don’t see women as The Big Satan, and found one that I truly trust. What I keep going back to is those two stages. Which me did I enjoy being the most? Is there a way to even begin this stage as a new person devoid of those two entities? Do I even need an identity to feel comfortable with myself? I have no idea.
I need to remove those identites in order to move forward into this new stage. I don’t even know how this stage of my life is going to play out and at times I’m kind of frightened by it but at the same time I’m pretty stoked by it. It’s kind of a new beginning and I think we all need those at some point in our lives.