Amish Country

     Would’ve blogged this sooner but I was beat. Long day of traveling and I had to get my Ghost Hunters fix. I would love to hunt ghosts. Instead of running away like a little bitch I would run towards whatever came at me. How scary are ghosts anyway? I’ve had my share of real ghosts and sure I was startled but never so scared I pissed my pants in fear.

     Anyway back out to Amish country and as I was balls deep in farmland and cows I was listening to a band called The New York Dolls and it just didn’t fit what I was witnessing. There were all these farms, cows, and silo’s and thought this needed some Bach or Beethoven. Of course when your balls deep in farmland you really need some twangy ass country music to depress and make you feel as if you somehow belong there at least in spirit.

      When you hit Mt Hope Ohio and all these other small towns you really feel this timewarp effect especially when you pull into a parking lot and it’s full of horse drawn buggies. There’s a lot of horseshit piled around and I kept thinking wouldn’t it be cool if these nice Amish folks brought I dunno, maybe a shovel?

     Anytime I take a trip into Amish country I get giddy. Maybe I’m weird but I find Amish chicks hot. The dresses, the head gear. My girl saw a couple of Amish chicks coming out of a Giant Eagle and she immediately points and says “Look, there ya go.” The thing is that yeah, there are some hot Amish chicks but I’m perefectly content with my girl. I wonder why I’m suddenly into Amish chicks.

      I watched an episode of Breaking Amish and as soon as the bonnet and shit came off I was all like daaaaaaamn that bitch is hot. Maybe I’m weird. I dunno but there has to be other guys that are out there looking for hot Amish chicks. It was a quest. A quest that I never thought I’d complete. It’s like finding Bigfoot or mastering the clitoris. Once you find Bigfoot and master the clit then what? What else is there to explore?

      As I was getting ready to go a thought hit me. Aside from an Amish chick dancing slutty which sounds pretty bad because in reality there’s no electricity so what’s she going to dance to? There’s no music and by the time she got all her clothes off you’d be bored stiff (get it?). I can’t imagine that ever happening. There’s no way. These women wear clothes that make it impossible to guess what kind of sweater puppies they’re packing so forget for a second that these women are dancing naughty for their husbands.

     What I was thinking about was if they vote. It sounds pretty funny but to me it was a serious thought that made me stop washing. Why is it that I do most of my hardcore thinking in the shower? All of my important decisions have all come to me while I’ve been in the shower. I can wake up shuffle to the coffe pot with a cigarette and think of nothing. I get into the shower and I ponder the realities of global warming or why the dryer always eats one sock.

     As I stood there I realized they probably don’t vote. Why would they? None of what we face really effects them. They could give two shits about fuel or electricity costs. Maybe they’d like to ban cars because they scare the horses but they don’t own a tv and even if they read the news again it doesn’t really affect them. Would they vote a straight Republican ticket or would they vote Democrat?

     As I visited various stores I noticed that a lot of these Amish kids are working. I solved the problem of guns and low test scores. We should be more like the Amish. If they work a full time job there’s no time for shenanigans or gang banging. They work so they don’t really need to sell drugs anymore so there goes your crime rate. It would fall to record lows in a month.

     The thing that surprised me was in the restaurant we went to our hostess was a really pretty Amish girl but the girl busing tables wasn’t very pretty at all. She had a six thirty shadow and needed to be in a cage not busing tables. The hostess had breasts, and really cute ankles while the bus girl looked like an Amish is supposed to look. All inbred and charming. It fucked me up because the pretty hostess was all smiles while the busgirl shuffled about like she had accepted her fate in life of never getting the hostess gig.

     I was surprised by how many buggies there were yet not once did I hear; “Do you remember where we parked the buggy?” I wonder if that ever happens? All the buggies look identical so if you’re not looking at the horse it’s easy to get them confused. Those things are dangerous too. They may stop but suddenly go backward. Not fast mind you but fast enough to wonder what the hell the horse is thinking.

     Of course as I’m watching all these Amish people clop clop past I’m wondering if any of these people are licensed to in fact drive the buggy. It only seems fair to have a license to operate a buggy. There are a lot of things that could happen. The horse could get spooked or decide not to stop at a four way stop and I wanna know that if I get hit by a buggy their insurance is going to pay for any damages or injuries that could occur.

     You ever notice there’s no plates on any of those buggies? If the cops are chasing one how do you know you’re following the right one? Is there even a speed limit for buggies? You can’t ask a buggy driver how fast they were going because there’s no speedodometer. What if a horse decides fuck it I’m tired of pulling these people and just starts running off? You would need a license and registration right? Is the horse or operator cited for speeding?

     The one thing I noticed is that there’s no shortage of thrift stores in Amish country but not one of them carry used Amish clothing. Maybe just maybe, I’d like a nice itchy Amish suit and hat. Is it wrong to have the option to pretend to be Amish for a day? I’ve seen the dresses these chicks wear and I think my girl would look pretty fuckin’ hot in one. Not that she’d ever wear one but a man can dream can’t he?

     I did manage to find a couple of Cds today. It tripped me out because I haven’t bought a physical Cd in years. I’m so used to either burning MP3 Cds or downloading my music onto my SD card that I forgot that there are booklets in phsyical discs. I lost all my music in my house fire so all I have now is stored on my SD card.

     It was pretty cool because I found two discs that are in my top five. At the first thrift store I’m looking through the normal crap they always have like The Backstreet Boys and Enya and notice Paul Stanley’s Live To Win album. As a one time Kissfanatic I heard the disc a week before it came loved it and played it for a month straight. I pull it out expecting the disc to be beat to shit but it’s a mint promo copy. Coolest thing was it was only paid a buck for it.

      I go across the street and find Kingdom Come’s debut album on Cd at a Goodwill. I had this on cassette for years and I had played it so much the tape had drop outs and was quite thin. I loved this record and realized that it was among the musical casualties of my house fire. I was surprised that it was again in mint condition and was even more stoked to pay $1.99 for it.

     Amish country is full of cool stores and restaurants but you do have to watch out for buggies and horse shit. I’m telling you those people need to carry a shovel and why in the hell did two Amish thrift stores have to of the greatest cd’s ever created? I don’t get it but it’s quite cool when dig below the Yanni and Enya and find some Paul fuckin’ Stanley and Kingdom Come.     


One thought on “Amish Country

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