Adventures Of A Simian

     In order to make our home truly ours we’ve decided to paint. In order to paint we have to shop which I truly loath. If I had a choice between shopping or being repeatedly punched in the nuts by midgets I would choose the midgets every time. It’s a no brainer and my girl knows this but I’m really trying to be a good guy and do the right thing.

      The part that sucks is that she expects me to be up at eight in the morning. This is rather hard because I’m usually up until two or three A.M reading or writing blogs. I’ve been single for two years so I have no set bedtime people. Thankfully my girl likes me the way I am as long as I pick up after myself which shouldn’t be too difficult.

      I know you’re asking yourself why I would agree to do something I hate and it’s a simple answer. Relationships are all about doing unpleasant shit. They make you attempt new things and do shit that you normally wouldn’t do. I really really like this woman and consider myself extremely lucky that of all the guys she could be with she chose me. I would do anything for this woman and if it means I have to shop so be it.

      There’s a hundred places to go for paint but I figured Wal-Mart would be a logical choice. You just can’t beat Wally-World in terms of pricing and it’s one of the few places on Earth that you can get Dorito’s and a gun at 2 A.M. There’s always something cool going on at this place. It’s a whitetrash circus and you never know what you’ll run into. Hillbilly’s love Wally-World and sometimes you even get a floor show.

     So we decide on our paint and go to get it mixed and we hit two problems. Well actually three if you count her over thinking and going beyond the paint. That’s my girl thinking two or three steps ahead when all we really needed to do was paint. I respect that about her even though I have to look into her eyes and calmly tell her to chill out. We don’t even want to think about that. We need to focus on right now. Not next week or even next month.

    The guy that was supposed to mix our shit informed us that one of our paints couldn’t be mixed due to a base issue and another couldn’t be mixed due to a lack of green. I look at my girl and I could literally see flames and knew that this dude was about to get five gallons of paint shoved up his ass.

     Somehow I became the voice of reason and said it was cool, it’s not a big deal. We’ll just go somewhere else and suck it up. My girl seriously would have shoved the cans of paint up the dudes ass and I didn’t want to explain to people why I got banned from Wally-World and  arrested all in the same day. It’d make a nice Christmas story but it’s just paint so why freak out?

     I’m a laid back guy and noticed that my girl isn’t. When she wants something it’s important that she gets it or people will suffer. She threw a salad at a lady at a drive-thru because the lid wasn’t secure and the salad tipped over and spilled. We’re looking to get our carpets cleaned in our house and my baby didn’t like a price quote so she e-mailed the guy back and told him he was fucking insane.

     This is my girl, I adore her but she has zero patience. None, and I didn’t notice it until today. I’m cool with not having the right paint and it was actually a good thing because we ended up at another place picked some color thingees and put them on our walls and had a vision of what it could look like. We weren’t stuck with shitty colors that we’d hate in a week.

      What really cracked me up was our trip to Burger King and she orders a salad. I’m like seriously? A salad?

This is the same woman that was going to cause serious anal injury to a man and she orders a salad. As long as she’s happy I’m happy. That’s the important thing. If she’s unhappy it could be my ass full of white semi-gloss.

     I’m a man, and that means a few things. We shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we make our own beef, jerky, we go on river boat gambling trips and now that’s all wrecked! Sorry, had to throw in that quote from Stepbrothers. I’m a man and normally I don’t give a fuck about decorating a house, but I’ve lived with my parents for two months and I have been watching a lot of HGtv.

     I used to think only fags were into decorating shit but I became a fucking home decorating addict. It’s fucking sad because I see an open floor concept and I get a boner. Walking through our new house I’m not the same dude. I don’t see a house that we could slap some paint on and move in. I’m thinking of exposing the natural wood, we’re talking design ideas for the basement and I’m fucking digging it.

      I’ve really changed in the last few months and since moving in with my girl I’m all about making this house the best it can be. Instead of just saying whatever you like I’m fine with she and I are working together. She wants my ideas and truly listens which is cool. Of course she’s ripping down wallpaper and I’m like; “Wait, the wall paper sucks but I like the border.” By the time I’ve reached this conclusion it’s already half gone.

     I love that she’s a hot nerd that’s creative. She makes this whole process fun. I hate shopping but with her it’s an adventure. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and love what we’re creating together. I was scared to death of commitment and the idea of living together but I’ve never been this happy.

     In the next few days I get to see this sexy woman covered in paint, dirt, and God knows what else so I’m preparing myself for the eyerolls and the whatevers when I tell her how hot she looks. I can’t get her to listen to anything because once she has her mind set on something it’s balls out or go home. She’s so so stubborn sometimes it’s maddening but that’s my girl. I know once she starts ripping up the carpet I can’t tell her to allow me to do it because she won’t.

     She’s already giving me deadlines and time frames and I don’t know how to move any faster. I’m working on the fly and half of our ideas we only discussed today. I have to teach this woman patience but how? I really do like her just the way she is so why even try? It’s like she said it’s an adventure so I may as well have fun.



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