Psycho Circus

      I had a what the fuck am I getting myself into moment the  night. I never had one of these  which really surprises me because I do a lot of random crazy shit. In all of my 39 years on this wondeful cesspool of filth we call earth have I ever thought it. It surprised me a little because I seem like a dude that has his shit pretty well together but if you peek under my skull cap you’ll realize I don’t.

     I finally got my house which feels really really good. Larger older house with plenty of space. While I was in it all by myself it was all quiet and ginourmous. I was proud of myself and damn it I deserved to be. Fresh start and a pretty amazing women and three equally amazing kids were moving in as well.

     Anyone who has read my blogs knows that I’m an every other weekend dad. Once the kids leave I return to my cave of silence and tranquility. For two years it’s been like that so of course I still have that single caveman territory syndrome. I like order and and if I decide to sleep until noon I can.

     The other night reality hit. This isn’t a bad thing it was just a bit overwhelming. In my excitement about the house I wanted my kids and of course my girl to see it because she is moving in and I figured she’d have to see it and sompoint. Being a guy who picked out a house on his own I was nervous. What if she hates it? Suddenly I had to throw up.

     Right when my exwife pulls up there’s my girl and all of our kids are present and accounted for. All together there are four kids going into the house and it’s a number I’m not used to. Off we go and as soon as the door opens they’re off like roaches. I can hear them running up and down the stairs, yelling and then it hit me. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

     These are kids mind you and it’s a new big empty house. Of course they’re going to run and act like pissed off indians on a warpath. I didn’t expect model behavior but holy shit this was pretty insane. I was married for sixteen years with three kids so you’d think it’d be like riding a bike but it really isn’t.

     Instead of freaking out I took it as it was. Four kids breaking in a house and I began to think how crazy this is all going to be pretty soon. I fuckin’ thrive on chaos and I don’t mind kids at all. I got this. Once we move in and settle in it’s going to be insane but I thrive on that shit. You give me three kids that are bored and I become a foul mouthed Uncle Buck.

Then you throw in my nine year old twins all bets are off. The adults are sadly outnumbered.

     Once I became used to the reality of it all I was cool. I had become so absorbed in being single and non chaotic I forget how much I missed it. It was wasn’t a home until she and the kids, wait, I don’t think the kids walked through the door they just kind of tumbled in.

     The scariest thing of all was handing her a key. I have only given a key to one other women and she ended up dropping off a dog that I didn’t really want or need. I have never been so freaked out ever. Your probably thinking what’s the worst that could happen? She threatened me with the sprayer from the kitchen sink for starters and you have no idea just how random this woman can be.

     As I’m going through the house I realized she could pop out anywhere. I get up in the morning and shuffle off for coffee and there are plenty of spots for her to jump out from. Even the kids are hiding in cupboards just waiting for me to open them. In the attic there are tons of places they could be just waiting to scare me or squirt me.

     I need to be on my toes all the time. I just thank God she’s a hot nerd. She has all these cool ideas for the house and I got nothing. I just follow her lead because the ideas she has just work and I of course have no idea what I’m doing. It’s a house, I move in, I’m good. Her, not so much. I did notice that she looked really good in this house. Especially in the kitchen.

     The next few blogs are going to be chock full of insanity. Random crazy shit that she and the kids do just to see if I’m paying attention. I’m pretty unphased by general chaos. While one person is having a mental meltdown I’m usually plotting. You never know what I’m up to. Someone has to stay calm and usually

it’s me.


I’ve been single for two years and I have to be retrained but the question is who’s doing the retraining? Is that why there’s a sprayer in the kitchen? I can see it now everytime I do something stupid I’m going to get sprayed our squirted.

     Living with two women in the house is going to be difficult. I always leave the toilet seat up because I’ve been single for so long it’s just how I roll. I live with my parents and every night I hear a scream that startles me awake. I then realize I left the toilet seat up and I giggle myself back to sleep.

     The thing is that no matter how freaked out I am about the whole thing I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life. I may need retraining and notes reminding me about the toilet sink and how I’m not supposed to drink out of the milk carton but I’m not a total fucktard all the time. I have moments of intellectual genious and behavior that doesn’t make people cringe. I just have to remember where I put it.


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