Let me start out by saying that our diet doesn’t cause heart attacks and strokes. Stress does. It’s stress that causes me to walk into a store and growl like a caveman because I can’t buy a package of Oreos due to their fucked up credit card policy. Who the hell carries cash anymore? What kind of hillybilly back woods mother fuck doesn’t have an ATM or credit card?
I find carrying cash a burden. Anywhere I go I use plastic. That’s just how I roll. It always surprises me when a clerk tells me they don’t accept plastic. Do people realize what year it is? Sadly I didn’t get my Oreo fix which amused my girl because her mission in life is to put me on a diet.
I live on junk food. You can’t hand me a salad and expect me to get giddy. Doesn’t work that way but because I happen to lo…like this woman I’ll try and cut back on the wings and pizza. I can even try not to sneak junk food into our basement like some heroine junkie. I will even agree to random searches just in case I’m packing a Snickers.
Let’s deal with the issue of stress and how it could result in me stroking out or having a major fucking heart attack in the snack food aisle. It’s not my girl causing me stress. it’s our new house. Just thinking about it gives me stomach aches. I’m losing more money than the US economy but love will make you do all sorts of crazy shit.
The house is almost done but it’s the little shit you never think of that taps you on the shoulder and whispers in your ear. I have my mother rushing me out to get a stove and to finish our house. Problem is this house is slowly killing me. I set out to prove to myself that I can not only get a house but now I’m painting and scrubbing floors and in my ear I have this loud tick tock because I’m running out of time.
I had this crazy idea that today I was going to relax but not even close. I had to run out and find a stove so my baby girl and the kids can move in on Sunday. The stove is the least of my worries. My legs and arms are killing me, I am so exhausted I can’t keep my eyes open and when I do fall asleep I have nightmares that feature ginourmous cans of semi-gloss chasing me.
I am under so much stress I almost freaked out in a store because they didn’t accept my ATM card. I can’t even begin to tell you when I had a thought that didn’t involve our house and what we need. I need a day off. Just one day that didn’t involve this fucking house.
I love that I’m stepping up and pushing myself harder than I ever have in any situation but the stress is going to kill me. When it’s all done I can say I did what I set out to do and I didn’t quit goddamn it. If you saw this woman in this house you’d do the same thing. You’d hang from an attic rafter just to finish a wall or arrive for eight or nine hours a day just because you can’t wait to be with her all the time.
I would do anything for this woman and this house is just the beginning. After this I want her to know that I am someone she can rely on. No matter what. That brings me to the diet. I saw her look of horror as I consumed a double cheese burger and a Mcchicken and then I heard her groan as I declared that I was still hungry. When a woman actually cares about you they will try and prolong your life.
As soon as I move in I can already see what’s going to happen and I’m scared to death. I may be healthier but I can already see the withdrawls. I’ll develop super smell and be able to sniff out wings and pizza a mile away. I’ll be running through the junk food aisle like a bitch because I know what my weaknessess are.
I’m going on the diet and will even attempt to be more motivated. I’ll probably bitch and complain but if it makes her happy I’m all for it. As a single guy I have developed a few bad habits that can’t carry over into our new relationship. I’m not a total idiot and I know that relationships are all about compromise but I can freak out and complain a little right?
The sad thing is that my girl knows I can’t say no to her. It really makes it hard for me to have any backbone at all. When she says she’s putting me on a diet I can so no all I want but if she pouts I’m screwed. That pout is going to get me every damn time. it’s not exactly fair because I could have a valid reason for saying no but once she pouts I have officially lost.
When your single it’s so much easier. No rules no boss, but once you become involved in a relationship everything changes. The rules change and you often find yourself wandering around an empty house with a paint lid stuck to your ass. You get locked out of your new house and bang on the door and when you end up running to the front door there’s your girl in the dining room looking at you as if you’ve lost your damn mind. I was all pissed off but once I saw that look I wasn’t pissed anymore.
Despite all the stress I’m under, the nightmares and ulcers all I have to do is look at my girl and everything’s ok. If we can make it through this without killing each other I think we can make it through anything. Now if you’ll excuse me I need a nap.