The L Word

     I really need a life couch. I need someone to follow me around and slap me on the back of my bald head whenever I attempt something stupid. It’s got to be some one huge or else I’ll never learn anything. I need a guy with tree trunks for arms and hands the size of canned hams. Just one hit will force my teeth out of my butthole.

     Have you ever noticed some of our biggest mistakes were usually caused while we were under the influence of love? Face it, being in love removes all common sense and rational thought. The sad thing is no matter how many times we get screwed over we always remain optimistic. It’s not even that we get screwed over. We allow ourselves to be fooled by these warm fuzzy bullshit feelings and when it all goes south all that’s left is this feeling that you’re the biggest idiot in the world.

     Love is a wasted emotion because it clouds your thinking. I’ve learned that you have to approach women with holy water and a crucifix because in the end it always ends badly. It’s important to avoid any eye contact with women. Always stare at your shoes. That way you don”t notice how pretty she may be and stuff some cotton in your nose because there’s nothing worse than a chick that smells good.

     Love is for suckers. The one nugget of wisdom I can share with people is that you should never ever fall in love ever. It’s just gonna end badly anyway so why even bother? At some point you’re gonna wake up wondering what the fuck happened? Why did I do that? This sucks. After an hour you have to move on. Seriously, no one likes a mopey whiner baby.

      After my wife and I split up I was beyond broken but the screwed up thing is that I survived and like every other person I swore I’d never fall in love again. I was an idiot and now? I feel like an even bigger idiot because I let it happen again. I’m more pissed off than anything. I knew this would happen but of course I never listen to the voice in my head that tells me when things are a bad idea.

     That’s why I need the life coach. Anytime I see a woman I want that guy hit me really hard. I want him to hit me so hard my eye balls fly out of their sockets, and my teeth fly out my butthole. He needs to say things like; “Don’t be stupid”, or “Remember what happened last time?” With thay kind of motivation I’d never date again and even without some big armed dude knocking my teeth out of my butthole I can safely say I’ll never make that mistake again.

     I want to remain level headed and it’s hard to do that with women around. I need to realign and immerse myself in some angry music. It helps to remember where I’ve been and what love really is. After a couple days I’ll be back to normal and seeing women as they truly are. As for love I’m done. It’s not worth it. I just need to remain focused on yet another phase of my life. This is the one in which I shrink away from everyone and live a solitary existence.

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Bridge

    I’m sure people have a pretty solid opinion of me by now. I’m pretty vulgar, have no problem saying what others won’t or can’t even begin to say. You may even say I’m a bit insensitive and that’s just scratching the surface. I could have a ton of readers but I tend to always write about something that may shock or offend someone.

      That’s just one side of me.  Writing this blog allows me to vent a little. If it weren’t for this I’m sure I’d be a solid candidate for therapy. I’ve lived through some pretty horrible stuff and if I ever decided to write about that you all would need therapy.

     A few days ago I thought about some of the decisions I’ve made over the years. I think we’ve all done that. If we had just done things a little differently where would we be? Who would we be with? How would our lives have turned out?

     Every choice I’ve made I stand behind. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be seperated but at least I’d still have my twins. If I never met my ex-wife my life would have been a horror show. I wouldn’t have any of my kids and if it weren’t for them my life wouldn’t be half as rad as it is.

     When you have kids it changes you. For some they see it as a death sentence but for me it was a chance to be the man my father wasn’t. I didn’t even know who he was nor had I ever seen him. Imagine how I felt when I learned that I was going to be something I never had growing up.

      My grandfather stepped in and made me the man I am today. I learned about respect through him and if it wasn’t for him God only knows how I’d have turned out. I don’t even think he knew how much he meant to me. He was the father I desperately needed yet he had no idea how much of an impact he had on the dude I grew up to be.

     When I had my first child all I wanted was to be half the man that he was. I had no idea what I was doing, but even though my grandfather had passed I still wanted to make him proud. No matter how much of a screw up I may have been this was my shot at redemption. Did I screw up? The kids are still here and I’m still integrating what he taught me along with what I learned on my own.

     No matter what I achieved in my life I can tell you that my three greatest achievements are my kids. They taught me that I wasn’t a complete and total failure. Everytime my daughter calls me for her prayer and the Soft Kitty song I know that no matter how horrible my day is I hear her voice I’m cool.

     Being around my kids reassures me that I have a purpose and I made the right decisions. Do I ever think about my dad and what I missed out on? Surprisingly no. I didn’t know him so how could I miss what I never had? I’m sure there are some adults who never had a father and they always wonder what if?

     When my kids ask me about my dad I tell them he died. Of course my ex-wife has told them he’s not really dead but he may as well be. Instead I tell them about the greatest man I knew. My rock, the person who was there when I needed advice and who awkwardly tried to give me the MAN talk.

     My mom obviously couldn’t do it so my gramps stepped in. God love him because he was just as embarrassed as I was. Here’s our talk verbatim. “Do you have any questions about sex?” We both sat there staring at our shoes and I say no I’m good and he says good and off he ran. That was it. I could see how difficult this was so I figured since I had my first sexual experience when I was ten I was already schooled.

     My grandfather also taught me how to shave which to this day still makes me chuckle. We were both standing at the bathroom sink and he just said watch what I do and then I saw just how nervous he was the moment I started shaving. He would stop for a second and say; “Wait, like this.” He would then take the razor and shave the spot he was concerned about.

     My kids missed out on knowing such an awesome man. It sucks sometimes because there are moments when my kids make me extremely proud and I wish he could see it but I then I realize that he’s still watching over me.  My biggest question in life is did I make my grandfather proud? Am I living up to be the man he always knew I could be?

     When my marriage ended I promised myself that I would always be there for my kids. They know they can always count on me. Even though my father was a douche bag I couldn’t let my kids down. I still have that desire to be better than my dad was. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I did learn a lot from my dad. Only cowards run from responsibilities while real men stay not because they have to but because they want to.

     While I love my mother to death and have all the respect in the world for her I also know that my grandfather was the one who taught me what it takes to be a man. Mom sacrificed a great deal as a single mother and because of what she went through I have a deep respect for women. May not seem that way in my blogs but I do.

     If it weren’t for women men would wander around aimlessly without direction. I still sometimes call my ex-wife for advice. She’s hardly ever wrong and that really sucks. My mom is someone I will always have made love for. I moved six houses away just to be close in case she needs me.

     Having my kids this weekend after four months is a tad overwhelming but as soon as I their laughter I know that there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. My twins keep me from taking life too seriously. I do wish my oldest son had made better choices but at the same time I hope he learns from his mistakes as well.

      Before I wrap this up I remember hearing Bridge by Queensryche and I just started crying. My wife looked at me and I couldn’t even tell her why the song affected me so much. Once I was able to speak I told her it brought back some of those times as a kid wondering what my dad looked like, how cool it would’ve been to see him, to be a part of his life. That song still chokes me up and I’m 39 now. Sometimes you’re not as ok as you think you are.

Hello, Hello

     I know what you’re thinking. Who gives a fuck about Van Halen! Jesus, there are so many many things I could’ve blogged about and I chose fucking Van Halen. The nerve right? You were expecting something meaningful and awe inspiring and what you got was fucking Van Halen.

     I realize you read my blogs to forget about shit, and to laugh. I feel as if I let you down. You want me to answer the hard questions like what is the meaning of life? Why does it burn when I pee? Or why does the lint from your belly button look like the same shit you clean out of the dryer filter?

      If it burns when you piss maybe you have the funk, which means either someone is dipping their nuggets where they shouldn’t be or your not drinking enough water. Go see a doctor for crying out loud and drink some water you ignorant shit. What do I look like Dr fuck Phil?

     Belly button lint is a mystery. It’s like when you take a huge dump and it sounds like WWIII but when you wipe you get nothing. I have no answer for that but maybe Google does. The ghost shit and belly button lint are beyond my level of expertise. Sorry to dissapoint you.

     The meaning of life is such a retarded question. Do you realize that everyone you ask has a different answer? For some it’s cocaine and for others it’s a little deeper like Lindsey Lohan’s snatch batch. No one is going to have the right answer. It’s a trick question. What do you think the meaning of life is? What makes you happy?

     For me I’ve always said that life is a journey not a destination. If you spend half of your life seeking out the meaning of it all you’re missing out on what it truly is. What if there is no meaning? What if it’s all these little moments strung together like the brightest Christmas lights you’ve ever seen. Right before you die man all those moments that made you smile, laugh, and appreciate life are all played together.

     We spend most of our lives pissed off, in love, full of hate, or just floating by that we forget what we’re here to do. What is our purpose? To live! That’s it. Experience everything we can while we can because pretty soon we’ll be in a nursing home drinking our pudding through a straw and shitting in a diaper.

     Me? I’ll be the old guy waving his wrinkled sausage at anyone who cares to take a gander. I’ll wave my Depend around like some geriatric stripper and you know I will grab every titty I see. If you’re not looking I’ll dip my wrinkled balls in your oatmeal, your Jello, or your soup. Why would I do this? It’s simple really, I’m old. While the family’s gathered around for Thanksgiving dinner there I’ll be with my dick buried in the turkey. I’m not fucking it. Just always wondered what my junk would feel like inside a turkey.

     There has to come a point where you just do what ever comes to mind. Shitting in a potted flower, pissing into a fan, walking into a grocery store wearing only flip flops. When you reach a certain age people expect you to do stupid shit so why not take it to the extreme? Smack women in the face with your penis, walk around town wearing an adult diaper.

     I wanna be the dirty old man that makes penis cookies and hands them out on birthdays. The kind of guy everyone’s leery of because you never quite know what he’s capable of. Is he going to throw his shit, or just tea bag everything he sees? Half of the people reading this are now mortified to the point of throwing up while the other half are wondering if I’m serious.

     Aren’t you glad my last blog was about fucking Van Halen? At some point you people are going to be too afraid to read my blogs. What haven’t I talked about? Fisting, queefing, sex while fucked up on Nyquil. There’s tons of unexplored virgin territory we can discuss. Shit if anyone writes a comment and says I should write about queefing I’ll do it.

     Speaking of queefing why isn’t there a book called every woman queefs? Is it really that awkward and embarrassing? If you’re a chick that has queefed you rock and if you’ve queefed while having sex I wanna buy you dinner. That is awesome. Am I the only guy that finds queefs rad?

     Back to the meaning of life and what it means to everyone. There is no wrong answer at all. We need to always remaing positive. Why? We attract whatever we throw out. If we’re alwayd negative and have a shitty attitude about life we’re going to attract that into our lives. If we always think the worst is going to happen then it will.

     Forget for a second about all the jokes and shit and really let this idea sink into your head. If you feel trapped by your circumstances and always think that nothing is going to ever work out guess what? It won’t. You have already failed because you have already said that nothing’s going to work out. Why would it? When you hit a point that seems impossible just look at that circumstance and say I’ll beat this, it’s going to work itself out and it will.

      I’ve had a lot of shit happen over the last couple of years and it didn’t kill me. I refused to allow it to beat me until recently. I allowed all the shit that was hoisted at me almost beat me. I pretended that I was happy and that I had all the answers. I had no clue what I was doing and the more I went through the less hopeful I became.

      Not even a woman I cared about could change my outlook because I felt defeated and it got inside my head. It was way too much and I started to crack yet someone else pointed out just how stressed I really was. I had ignored it for so long and so well that my mind was overloaded. Instead of taking a break I just piled more shit on. We all do that and I guess maybe it’s a coping skill. We want others to be happy so what do we do? We stress ourselves out.

     It took my daughter spending the night with me to make me realize just how misrable and stressed I truly was. I was constantly worried about shit and I just needed a break. Her laugh was infectious and I finally realized that I need to change my thinking. I needed to stop worrying and just live. Hard to do but I’m determined damnit.

     I guess my blogs are taken in a variety of different ways. They can be taken whatever way you want. I have a lot of fun with this. I say what I’m thinking about at any given moment and know that I can’t talk about half this shit with other people. I can’t be at a dinner party and say; “I wonder what my dick would fill like buried in a warm bowl of mashed potatoes?” People would escort  me out the door. If you’re watching a Lindsey Lohan movie is it ok to say out loud that you sometimes wonder if her vag looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.

     It’s those kinds of things that randomly pop into my head. I want to write every woman queefs and sometimes wonder why Wonder Woman even bothers flying an invisible plane. Bitch we can’t see the plane but we sure as fuck can see you. By being in the plane does that make her invisible? How in the hell does she ever find the damn thing? What if another plane just randomly crashes into her? How in the fuck will she get out? There’s an invisible parachute so chances are she’ll plummet to her death. This is just getting insane.

Sammy Hagar Vs. David Lee Roth

     I heard that Van Halen had a new record out so I of course got a little curious. To be fair I never liked a lot of the original Van Halen. There were some good songs but for every good song song there was always a few that drove me batshit crazy. Jump, Panama, and the entire Diver Down record always reminded me just how much Van Halen sucked.

     I only became a fan of Van Halen when Sammy joined. Finally, Van Halen had something that was lacking with Douchey I mean Diamond Dave, consistency. Every record Sammy sang on was good. If Sammy Hagar had been the original singer of Van Halen I would’ve been a die hard fan. While Dave was a douche bag with ADD Sammy was the kind of guy you could hang out with. Sammy was even a better singer and in terms of song writing? Sammy wins yet again.

     Suddenly Sammy was gone and then came Van Halen III which is a very solid Van Halen album. I liked Gary Cherone and was a fan of Extreme so how could I hate him? I was just thankful it wasn’t David Lee Douche. If you compare Humans Being to Dave’s reunion track Me Wise Magic you’ll see Humans is a far better song.

     I was hoping for a 2nd Cherone era Van Halen record or at least the news that Sammy was back but nope we get A Simple Kind Of Sandwich? I don’t even know the title. All I know is once I heard New Tattoo I threw up violently. That’s why I was curious. Will the other songs cause me to hurl violently?

     Does it sound better than Balance or even 5150? Are you high? This is David Lee Roth. Maybe just maybe it could rival Van Halen, or even Van Halen II? These are the only Roth era Van Halen albums I can sit through. The rest I just pick and choose the best tracks, put them onto my tablet and discard the rest.

     It sucked bad. I find David Lee Roth annoying so it’s nice to hear that his voice isn’t as good as it once was and while She’s The Woman and Bullethead are good I couldn’t take anymore. I stopped listening. I had to or else I’d start throwing up. I had to put on some Sammy era Halen just to calm the queasiness in my tummy.

     Now that I’ve slammed the Van Halen record I’m sure die hards will come at me with all the reasons why David Lee Roth is better. He was there first isn’t a good answer. Talent isn’t even a valid argument because Sammy is way more talented. Can you even name a DLR solo record that isn’t being given away with a free tank of gas?

     Compare solo careers people. Sammy has a far better track record solo than Dave and when you add it to the Van Halen cannon Dave is yet again the loser. When they get tired of Dave he’ll be back at Wal-Mart greeting customers again. “Damn it! I was in Van Halen, you get the fuckin’ carts!”

     Dave will be back not selling solo records in a year and if we’re really lucky we’ll see him featured on a package tour with other washed up has beens. It’ll be Dave and Vince Neil coming to a fair ground near you. What other acts can he tour with? He’ll need a 2nd bus just for his bloated ego.

     Now I have that annoying Yankee Rose song stuck in my damn head and writing this blog has really made me hungry.

    

Viva La Boredom

     Finally in the new house which has proven to be way too difficult. You would figure moving would be easy but in this case no fucking way. Car trouble, lack of funds, repainting. At some point I swore that the Gods were lining up to mock me. It was just one ridiculous thing after another.

     I’m here all by myself until Friday and I’d like to tell you how rad it is to sleep in a new house but Sunday night I really screwed up my shoulder and was in a pretty good pain med stupor. You know pain meds are good when you fall asleep and the sound of your head thwacking the tablet screen tells you it’s time for bed.

     I didn’t even get a warning. Sometimes you get that blurry vision and taking a piss is one of those things you forget how to do. You end up standing there trying to figure why you’re dick’s missing. There isn’t even a sense of random reasoning just blind panic because suddenly your dick’s gone.

     The finding it is where it gets a bit awkward. What do you do when you finally find it? You can’t pet it for obvious reasons. All you can really do is breath a sigh of relief and hope he doesn’t dissapear again. After you finally find him there’s always that moment where you try and figure out why you’re looking for your dick in the first place.

     Once these kicked in it was  goodnight world. No warm fuzzies, nothing. I fell out with a quickness and woke up at seven thirty the next morning and said fuck it. I went back to sleep and was well rested when I got back up two hours later.

     My mom asked me what I did in my new house all by myself. I was too fucked up to do anything. I didn’t do the goodnight house bit, the random flipping off and on of the lightswitches. All I got was knocked the fuck out. You would figure after four months of living with my parents I would do a butt naked victory lap around the house but I controlled myself.

     People often get shocked when they discover that I’m in an emtpy house all by myself. No cable, no one to talk to and that’s where intelligence comes into play. I lived three years without cable and just video games and movies to occupy my time so I can handle it. I also had my oldest son to drive me batshit crazy at just the right moments.

     You take that away and I’m still going to be ok. I keep myself mentally busy. I just try not to reflect. There’s a reason why I don’t reflect on the past. I’ve lived through some pretty fucked up shit and when I reflect I get depressed and then angry. I won’t allow myself to get to that point so I grab my tablet and read for hours or I’ll listen to music.

     I have three sd cards full of books and music. Intelligent people don’t stay bored long. If the lights go out we tend to improvise. Sometimes for shits and giggles I’ll waste 15 minutes pretending my flashlight’s a lightsaber. Hell, I’ll even turn off the lights for that one.

     When I lived back at home I saw cable as an afterthought. I had become so accustomed to not having it I didn’t need it anymore. When I lost my video games I used my phone to keep me busy when I didn’t feel like reading for awhile.

     When I’m alone for hours on end I’m a happy guy. I try and keep myself from doing anything stupid especially now that I’m in a house filled with stuff that isn’t mine. No naked sledding down the stairs, no random helicopters but only because I don’t have a shower curtain and still have to shower at my mom’s. I’ve mellowed a bit and I’m a little more dignified.

     I actually wore shorts over my boxers on my trek to make instant coffee. The one thing I’m really struggling with is that damn toilet seat. It’s my only true weakness but I’m really trying. I’m still the same dude I’m just trying to be more respectful.

      Everytime I piss I always tell myself the same thing. How would you it like if your nuts were submerged in cold toilet water? It would suck. It would suck bad. Imagine how women feel? It can’t suck that bad can it? Now I’m going to have women leaving the toilet seat up just so we can tea bag the toilet. You’ll just hear a random plop and a wonderful string of curse words.

     Being a single guy for two years with no kids I know I have some fucked up habits. I lived alone so if I left the milk out all night fuck it. I would store left over pizza in the oven because I was going to eat it again the next day so why put it in the fridge?  

        When you live alone you can be a slob and drink soda out of the two liter in your boxers while scratching your balls but when you add three other people you gotta cut that shit out. There’s a time and a place to scratch your nuts. The kitchen isn’t one of them.

      Instead of complaining and whining I’m embracing becoming civilized again. I’ve had months of dealing with my parents so I know that there’s things I can’t do. Being a dude isn’t reason enough to stroll butt naked to grab a bologne sammitch. Now I need to get some sleep and hope I can remember to put down that fucking toilet seat.

Sorry, I Killed Your Turkey

     I could’ve written a blog making fun of Republicans but they’re Republicans so that in itself is a joke. I did predict that if Romney won he’d create the zombie apocalypse and I’m kinda sad he lost. Zombies are awesome! Imagine how rad it would be to live in a zombie wasteland.

      This is November which means we should be thankful for something. I wonder if the Native Americans are still thankful for the Pilgrims fucking them over? How shitty is that? These dudes in funny hats creep up on your land and have no idea how to build, can’t find food, so they do what any other person would do. They teach them how to survive. These Pilgrims were really thankful. They make a nice big dinner and later they slaughter the native Americans in the name of progress.

     We need to look at Thanksgiving the way it really is. if you’re a Native American you can be thankful that you survived and were forced off your land instead of been slaughtered like the others. As a Pilgrim you have a lot to be thankful for. They were our forefathers. They taught us the mentality of survival and how to be a dick.

     Thanksgiving isn’t my favorite holiday. Sure, the foods good but the history of Thanksgiving is covered in the blood of the original settlers. How would you like it if a bunch of assholes in funny hats landed on your property and decided to take over? You’d be pissed off too. Fuck Christopher Columbus. He discovered America but it was doing alright before he got there and then you have the Pilgrims who got greedy and slaughtered entire families in the name of greed. Greed, not progress.

     So in the spirit of Slaughtergiving I’m thankful I’m an American. As an American that entitles me to a lot. I can be a douche bag, an asshole, I have the privilege of thinking I’m better than everyone else because I’m an American. We are covered in the blood of those who oppose us. We spit on the graves of the weak and the uncool countries that are just standing around staring at their shoes.

     Democracy motherfucker. It’s what seperates the men from the boys. Thanksgiving is an example of what America feeds on. The innocent, the cowardly, fast food and hot chicks with big fake breasts. We can be thankful for anything. It’s America after all. You have free speech to a certain extent but only after our government and teachers have approved.

     Shit, it’s November. Let’s be thankful that we’re not retarded or gay. Being gay in America used to be a bad thing but now? Being gay means you’re special. If your gay you are the new social norm. You aren’t cool unless you kissed another dude or if you’re a chick you’ve kissed another chick. Fuck, I encourage chicks to make out with one another. There’s nothing sexier than two chicks making out.
     Despite the blood and guts of our Native American friends we should be thankful for something. Fuck, we should be thankful for something everyday and not just in November. We’re Americans people, we have a lot to be thankful for. Freedom both religious and otherwise, the freedom to call a Presidential candidate a douche bag. In other countries you can’t call political leaders anything but their name. If you do you get shot in the face or kidnapped and beaten until you’re screaming like Tina Turner after a night out with Ike Turner.

     See, I’m patriotic to a certain extent. I don’t go for all that flag waving, slogan spouting bullshit but I know how good I have it here in America. My ancestors slaughtered enitre families for my freedom and I’m thankful for that. If the enemy had been a little stronger I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I’d be in a bunker somwhere shitting in a bucket wondering where I’m going to find food.

     People may think I’m bitter and down on war and a Native American sympathizer but I’m just a realist. I know how much freedom costs and you can’t have freedom or democracy without a little bloodshed. I don’t ignore it and celebrate Thanksgiving like a mindless idiot either. I know the story about the real Thanksgiving people so don’t try and tell me the Native Americans were asking to be taken out.

     Enjoy your turkey people and be thankful for your freedom and the ability to speak your mind without fear of getting shot in the face. When you walk into your nice warm house be thankful you’re not homeless. When you walk outside your house be thankful for everything you have both small and large. We are all thankful for something and try and be less of a dick to those around you.

Lie Detectors And Chicken Wings

      I can already see it happening in a month. I am going to be one of those poor saps dragged onto Maury and labeled a cheater. It’s inevitable. I know I know it’s sad isn’t it to know that at some point I’m going to be one of those poor pathetic bastards hooked up to the lie detector machine knowning that I’m cheating on…… my diet.

     What? Did you honestly think I would actually cheat on my girl? I have an amazing woman whom I adore. Why would I fuck that up? You people are crazy. Real nut jobs. People are so predictable that it sickens me. If I had any faith in the human race it’d be gone at this point. Poof. All gone.

     This whole diet thing has me sweating. I’m going to end up on that stage swearing that I didn’t cheat when I know damn well I did. Maury’s going to look at me with that enevelope pulsating and taunting me. I know what’s going to happen next. The only thing I can do now is wait for the horror and humilation.

     They’re going to set me up in the green room and my sexy decoy isn’t a stripper. It’s a large meat lovers from Regina’s pizza and a dozen honey bbq wings. Look, there I am eyeing my mistress and holy hell look at me attack those wings! The audience is horrified, people are gasping in horror, mothers are shielding their children’s eyes, and fathers are throwing up in disgust. All I can do is hang my head in shame.

     “You son of a bitch. You set me up!” Well duh, no one leaves a pizza and wings laying around. Shit, if my girl ever gets lost all she has to do is leave a trail of peanut butter Snickers and I’ll find her. I know it’s sad but what can I say?

     Now we come to the lie detector test. At this time all I can say is; “You son of a bitch.” There’s really nothing else can say to make me look good. I have a bbq sauce mustache for God’s sake and I just devoured two pieces of pizza.

     “Monkey, we asked you have you ever snuck out of the house to eat Twinkies, you said no, the lie detector test determined that was a lie. We asked you have you ever said you were going to the store and intead went to Regina’s for pizza and wings you said no the lie detector test determined that was a lie more than five times. We asked you do you ever sneak candy bars in your trench coat pockets you said no, again the lie detector determined that was a lie.”

     I can demand to be retested but I’d fail because before walking on stage I’d probably have eaten a twix or a moon pie. Hell I probably cheated five times before I got to the show. All I have left to do is throw a few chairs and pray that I don’t pass out from exhausion.

     It’s not that I’m like really obese I just haven’t met a wing or a nacho I haven’t liked. If you look at my room now you’d see a few Snickers and a half a bag of Dorito’s. If I ever took my cholesterol I’m pretty sure it would read; Holy fuckin’ shit! I don’t do sports, and exercise is for people that aren’t me.

     I keep hearing shit about taking care of my body, eat healthier. Why? At my age who wants to live until their eighty? Are you fuckers insane? Why exactly is that a good idea? Do you realize that I have abused my body so badly the shock of a lifestyle change may actually cause me to have a heart attack.

     I’m determined to do this diet though. When my girl hands me a salad I’ll swear and growl but I’ll eat it. If she checks the house for my stash of junk food and finds it I’ll remember to hide it better. I won’t even get mad at the kids when they catch me drinking the maple syrup from the bottle and tell on me.

     In all seriousness if she asks me to try and eat healthier I’ll say no and then she’ll pout and I’ll have no choice. Of course in a month I’ll be outed by fucking Maury but at least I tried right? Doesn’t that count for something?

In this crazy mixed up world trying sometimes gets a shiny gold star sticker.

     I may try and eat healthier but if any of you cocksuckers lays one hand on my pack of cigarettes I’ll be forced to get all crazy eyed and I may even put a cigarette out on your forehead. I’ll giggle and blame it on that fucking salad I ate for lunch. See how that works? I can blame all of my bad behaviour on my diet.

     If you want me to be less of a grumpy ass hole then you better get me a dozen wings stat. The next action may be me putting a foot in your ass. Maury is going to out me but I’ll go down swinging a chicken wing and using an empty pizza box for a shield. That’s right people if this diet happens I’m gonna become a bitch. That’s right a bitch.

     While she’s force feeding me all this healthy bullshit I’m going to be all angry and bitchy in this blog. See how this works? I’ll be all like yes dear, you’re right I need to eat healthier and then I’ll write a blog filled with reasons why I think the woman I love is trying to kill me.

     Don’t get me started on salad farts and burps that peel paint off of walls. Oh Lord this is going to be rough but I’m slamming bags of pork rinds, chocolate peanut butter bugles and any fucking donut I can find because I know once we move in together I may be a happy man but the part that craves junk is going to be sex craved and retard strong. God help us all.