Sorry, I Killed Your Turkey

     I could’ve written a blog making fun of Republicans but they’re Republicans so that in itself is a joke. I did predict that if Romney won he’d create the zombie apocalypse and I’m kinda sad he lost. Zombies are awesome! Imagine how rad it would be to live in a zombie wasteland.

      This is November which means we should be thankful for something. I wonder if the Native Americans are still thankful for the Pilgrims fucking them over? How shitty is that? These dudes in funny hats creep up on your land and have no idea how to build, can’t find food, so they do what any other person would do. They teach them how to survive. These Pilgrims were really thankful. They make a nice big dinner and later they slaughter the native Americans in the name of progress.

     We need to look at Thanksgiving the way it really is. if you’re a Native American you can be thankful that you survived and were forced off your land instead of been slaughtered like the others. As a Pilgrim you have a lot to be thankful for. They were our forefathers. They taught us the mentality of survival and how to be a dick.

     Thanksgiving isn’t my favorite holiday. Sure, the foods good but the history of Thanksgiving is covered in the blood of the original settlers. How would you like it if a bunch of assholes in funny hats landed on your property and decided to take over? You’d be pissed off too. Fuck Christopher Columbus. He discovered America but it was doing alright before he got there and then you have the Pilgrims who got greedy and slaughtered entire families in the name of greed. Greed, not progress.

     So in the spirit of Slaughtergiving I’m thankful I’m an American. As an American that entitles me to a lot. I can be a douche bag, an asshole, I have the privilege of thinking I’m better than everyone else because I’m an American. We are covered in the blood of those who oppose us. We spit on the graves of the weak and the uncool countries that are just standing around staring at their shoes.

     Democracy motherfucker. It’s what seperates the men from the boys. Thanksgiving is an example of what America feeds on. The innocent, the cowardly, fast food and hot chicks with big fake breasts. We can be thankful for anything. It’s America after all. You have free speech to a certain extent but only after our government and teachers have approved.

     Shit, it’s November. Let’s be thankful that we’re not retarded or gay. Being gay in America used to be a bad thing but now? Being gay means you’re special. If your gay you are the new social norm. You aren’t cool unless you kissed another dude or if you’re a chick you’ve kissed another chick. Fuck, I encourage chicks to make out with one another. There’s nothing sexier than two chicks making out.
     Despite the blood and guts of our Native American friends we should be thankful for something. Fuck, we should be thankful for something everyday and not just in November. We’re Americans people, we have a lot to be thankful for. Freedom both religious and otherwise, the freedom to call a Presidential candidate a douche bag. In other countries you can’t call political leaders anything but their name. If you do you get shot in the face or kidnapped and beaten until you’re screaming like Tina Turner after a night out with Ike Turner.

     See, I’m patriotic to a certain extent. I don’t go for all that flag waving, slogan spouting bullshit but I know how good I have it here in America. My ancestors slaughtered enitre families for my freedom and I’m thankful for that. If the enemy had been a little stronger I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I’d be in a bunker somwhere shitting in a bucket wondering where I’m going to find food.

     People may think I’m bitter and down on war and a Native American sympathizer but I’m just a realist. I know how much freedom costs and you can’t have freedom or democracy without a little bloodshed. I don’t ignore it and celebrate Thanksgiving like a mindless idiot either. I know the story about the real Thanksgiving people so don’t try and tell me the Native Americans were asking to be taken out.

     Enjoy your turkey people and be thankful for your freedom and the ability to speak your mind without fear of getting shot in the face. When you walk into your nice warm house be thankful you’re not homeless. When you walk outside your house be thankful for everything you have both small and large. We are all thankful for something and try and be less of a dick to those around you.

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