Viva La Boredom

     Finally in the new house which has proven to be way too difficult. You would figure moving would be easy but in this case no fucking way. Car trouble, lack of funds, repainting. At some point I swore that the Gods were lining up to mock me. It was just one ridiculous thing after another.

     I’m here all by myself until Friday and I’d like to tell you how rad it is to sleep in a new house but Sunday night I really screwed up my shoulder and was in a pretty good pain med stupor. You know pain meds are good when you fall asleep and the sound of your head thwacking the tablet screen tells you it’s time for bed.

     I didn’t even get a warning. Sometimes you get that blurry vision and taking a piss is one of those things you forget how to do. You end up standing there trying to figure why you’re dick’s missing. There isn’t even a sense of random reasoning just blind panic because suddenly your dick’s gone.

     The finding it is where it gets a bit awkward. What do you do when you finally find it? You can’t pet it for obvious reasons. All you can really do is breath a sigh of relief and hope he doesn’t dissapear again. After you finally find him there’s always that moment where you try and figure out why you’re looking for your dick in the first place.

     Once these kicked in it was  goodnight world. No warm fuzzies, nothing. I fell out with a quickness and woke up at seven thirty the next morning and said fuck it. I went back to sleep and was well rested when I got back up two hours later.

     My mom asked me what I did in my new house all by myself. I was too fucked up to do anything. I didn’t do the goodnight house bit, the random flipping off and on of the lightswitches. All I got was knocked the fuck out. You would figure after four months of living with my parents I would do a butt naked victory lap around the house but I controlled myself.

     People often get shocked when they discover that I’m in an emtpy house all by myself. No cable, no one to talk to and that’s where intelligence comes into play. I lived three years without cable and just video games and movies to occupy my time so I can handle it. I also had my oldest son to drive me batshit crazy at just the right moments.

     You take that away and I’m still going to be ok. I keep myself mentally busy. I just try not to reflect. There’s a reason why I don’t reflect on the past. I’ve lived through some pretty fucked up shit and when I reflect I get depressed and then angry. I won’t allow myself to get to that point so I grab my tablet and read for hours or I’ll listen to music.

     I have three sd cards full of books and music. Intelligent people don’t stay bored long. If the lights go out we tend to improvise. Sometimes for shits and giggles I’ll waste 15 minutes pretending my flashlight’s a lightsaber. Hell, I’ll even turn off the lights for that one.

     When I lived back at home I saw cable as an afterthought. I had become so accustomed to not having it I didn’t need it anymore. When I lost my video games I used my phone to keep me busy when I didn’t feel like reading for awhile.

     When I’m alone for hours on end I’m a happy guy. I try and keep myself from doing anything stupid especially now that I’m in a house filled with stuff that isn’t mine. No naked sledding down the stairs, no random helicopters but only because I don’t have a shower curtain and still have to shower at my mom’s. I’ve mellowed a bit and I’m a little more dignified.

     I actually wore shorts over my boxers on my trek to make instant coffee. The one thing I’m really struggling with is that damn toilet seat. It’s my only true weakness but I’m really trying. I’m still the same dude I’m just trying to be more respectful.

      Everytime I piss I always tell myself the same thing. How would you it like if your nuts were submerged in cold toilet water? It would suck. It would suck bad. Imagine how women feel? It can’t suck that bad can it? Now I’m going to have women leaving the toilet seat up just so we can tea bag the toilet. You’ll just hear a random plop and a wonderful string of curse words.

     Being a single guy for two years with no kids I know I have some fucked up habits. I lived alone so if I left the milk out all night fuck it. I would store left over pizza in the oven because I was going to eat it again the next day so why put it in the fridge?  

        When you live alone you can be a slob and drink soda out of the two liter in your boxers while scratching your balls but when you add three other people you gotta cut that shit out. There’s a time and a place to scratch your nuts. The kitchen isn’t one of them.

      Instead of complaining and whining I’m embracing becoming civilized again. I’ve had months of dealing with my parents so I know that there’s things I can’t do. Being a dude isn’t reason enough to stroll butt naked to grab a bologne sammitch. Now I need to get some sleep and hope I can remember to put down that fucking toilet seat.


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