I know what you’re thinking. Who gives a fuck about Van Halen! Jesus, there are so many many things I could’ve blogged about and I chose fucking Van Halen. The nerve right? You were expecting something meaningful and awe inspiring and what you got was fucking Van Halen.
I realize you read my blogs to forget about shit, and to laugh. I feel as if I let you down. You want me to answer the hard questions like what is the meaning of life? Why does it burn when I pee? Or why does the lint from your belly button look like the same shit you clean out of the dryer filter?
If it burns when you piss maybe you have the funk, which means either someone is dipping their nuggets where they shouldn’t be or your not drinking enough water. Go see a doctor for crying out loud and drink some water you ignorant shit. What do I look like Dr fuck Phil?
Belly button lint is a mystery. It’s like when you take a huge dump and it sounds like WWIII but when you wipe you get nothing. I have no answer for that but maybe Google does. The ghost shit and belly button lint are beyond my level of expertise. Sorry to dissapoint you.
The meaning of life is such a retarded question. Do you realize that everyone you ask has a different answer? For some it’s cocaine and for others it’s a little deeper like Lindsey Lohan’s snatch batch. No one is going to have the right answer. It’s a trick question. What do you think the meaning of life is? What makes you happy?
For me I’ve always said that life is a journey not a destination. If you spend half of your life seeking out the meaning of it all you’re missing out on what it truly is. What if there is no meaning? What if it’s all these little moments strung together like the brightest Christmas lights you’ve ever seen. Right before you die man all those moments that made you smile, laugh, and appreciate life are all played together.
We spend most of our lives pissed off, in love, full of hate, or just floating by that we forget what we’re here to do. What is our purpose? To live! That’s it. Experience everything we can while we can because pretty soon we’ll be in a nursing home drinking our pudding through a straw and shitting in a diaper.
Me? I’ll be the old guy waving his wrinkled sausage at anyone who cares to take a gander. I’ll wave my Depend around like some geriatric stripper and you know I will grab every titty I see. If you’re not looking I’ll dip my wrinkled balls in your oatmeal, your Jello, or your soup. Why would I do this? It’s simple really, I’m old. While the family’s gathered around for Thanksgiving dinner there I’ll be with my dick buried in the turkey. I’m not fucking it. Just always wondered what my junk would feel like inside a turkey.
There has to come a point where you just do what ever comes to mind. Shitting in a potted flower, pissing into a fan, walking into a grocery store wearing only flip flops. When you reach a certain age people expect you to do stupid shit so why not take it to the extreme? Smack women in the face with your penis, walk around town wearing an adult diaper.
I wanna be the dirty old man that makes penis cookies and hands them out on birthdays. The kind of guy everyone’s leery of because you never quite know what he’s capable of. Is he going to throw his shit, or just tea bag everything he sees? Half of the people reading this are now mortified to the point of throwing up while the other half are wondering if I’m serious.
Aren’t you glad my last blog was about fucking Van Halen? At some point you people are going to be too afraid to read my blogs. What haven’t I talked about? Fisting, queefing, sex while fucked up on Nyquil. There’s tons of unexplored virgin territory we can discuss. Shit if anyone writes a comment and says I should write about queefing I’ll do it.
Speaking of queefing why isn’t there a book called every woman queefs? Is it really that awkward and embarrassing? If you’re a chick that has queefed you rock and if you’ve queefed while having sex I wanna buy you dinner. That is awesome. Am I the only guy that finds queefs rad?
Back to the meaning of life and what it means to everyone. There is no wrong answer at all. We need to always remaing positive. Why? We attract whatever we throw out. If we’re alwayd negative and have a shitty attitude about life we’re going to attract that into our lives. If we always think the worst is going to happen then it will.
Forget for a second about all the jokes and shit and really let this idea sink into your head. If you feel trapped by your circumstances and always think that nothing is going to ever work out guess what? It won’t. You have already failed because you have already said that nothing’s going to work out. Why would it? When you hit a point that seems impossible just look at that circumstance and say I’ll beat this, it’s going to work itself out and it will.
I’ve had a lot of shit happen over the last couple of years and it didn’t kill me. I refused to allow it to beat me until recently. I allowed all the shit that was hoisted at me almost beat me. I pretended that I was happy and that I had all the answers. I had no clue what I was doing and the more I went through the less hopeful I became.
Not even a woman I cared about could change my outlook because I felt defeated and it got inside my head. It was way too much and I started to crack yet someone else pointed out just how stressed I really was. I had ignored it for so long and so well that my mind was overloaded. Instead of taking a break I just piled more shit on. We all do that and I guess maybe it’s a coping skill. We want others to be happy so what do we do? We stress ourselves out.
It took my daughter spending the night with me to make me realize just how misrable and stressed I truly was. I was constantly worried about shit and I just needed a break. Her laugh was infectious and I finally realized that I need to change my thinking. I needed to stop worrying and just live. Hard to do but I’m determined damnit.
I guess my blogs are taken in a variety of different ways. They can be taken whatever way you want. I have a lot of fun with this. I say what I’m thinking about at any given moment and know that I can’t talk about half this shit with other people. I can’t be at a dinner party and say; “I wonder what my dick would fill like buried in a warm bowl of mashed potatoes?” People would escort me out the door. If you’re watching a Lindsey Lohan movie is it ok to say out loud that you sometimes wonder if her vag looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
It’s those kinds of things that randomly pop into my head. I want to write every woman queefs and sometimes wonder why Wonder Woman even bothers flying an invisible plane. Bitch we can’t see the plane but we sure as fuck can see you. By being in the plane does that make her invisible? How in the hell does she ever find the damn thing? What if another plane just randomly crashes into her? How in the fuck will she get out? There’s an invisible parachute so chances are she’ll plummet to her death. This is just getting insane.