I’m sure people have a pretty solid opinion of me by now. I’m pretty vulgar, have no problem saying what others won’t or can’t even begin to say. You may even say I’m a bit insensitive and that’s just scratching the surface. I could have a ton of readers but I tend to always write about something that may shock or offend someone.
That’s just one side of me. Writing this blog allows me to vent a little. If it weren’t for this I’m sure I’d be a solid candidate for therapy. I’ve lived through some pretty horrible stuff and if I ever decided to write about that you all would need therapy.
A few days ago I thought about some of the decisions I’ve made over the years. I think we’ve all done that. If we had just done things a little differently where would we be? Who would we be with? How would our lives have turned out?
Every choice I’ve made I stand behind. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change anything. I’d still be seperated but at least I’d still have my twins. If I never met my ex-wife my life would have been a horror show. I wouldn’t have any of my kids and if it weren’t for them my life wouldn’t be half as rad as it is.
When you have kids it changes you. For some they see it as a death sentence but for me it was a chance to be the man my father wasn’t. I didn’t even know who he was nor had I ever seen him. Imagine how I felt when I learned that I was going to be something I never had growing up.
My grandfather stepped in and made me the man I am today. I learned about respect through him and if it wasn’t for him God only knows how I’d have turned out. I don’t even think he knew how much he meant to me. He was the father I desperately needed yet he had no idea how much of an impact he had on the dude I grew up to be.
When I had my first child all I wanted was to be half the man that he was. I had no idea what I was doing, but even though my grandfather had passed I still wanted to make him proud. No matter how much of a screw up I may have been this was my shot at redemption. Did I screw up? The kids are still here and I’m still integrating what he taught me along with what I learned on my own.
No matter what I achieved in my life I can tell you that my three greatest achievements are my kids. They taught me that I wasn’t a complete and total failure. Everytime my daughter calls me for her prayer and the Soft Kitty song I know that no matter how horrible my day is I hear her voice I’m cool.
Being around my kids reassures me that I have a purpose and I made the right decisions. Do I ever think about my dad and what I missed out on? Surprisingly no. I didn’t know him so how could I miss what I never had? I’m sure there are some adults who never had a father and they always wonder what if?
When my kids ask me about my dad I tell them he died. Of course my ex-wife has told them he’s not really dead but he may as well be. Instead I tell them about the greatest man I knew. My rock, the person who was there when I needed advice and who awkwardly tried to give me the MAN talk.
My mom obviously couldn’t do it so my gramps stepped in. God love him because he was just as embarrassed as I was. Here’s our talk verbatim. “Do you have any questions about sex?” We both sat there staring at our shoes and I say no I’m good and he says good and off he ran. That was it. I could see how difficult this was so I figured since I had my first sexual experience when I was ten I was already schooled.
My grandfather also taught me how to shave which to this day still makes me chuckle. We were both standing at the bathroom sink and he just said watch what I do and then I saw just how nervous he was the moment I started shaving. He would stop for a second and say; “Wait, like this.” He would then take the razor and shave the spot he was concerned about.
My kids missed out on knowing such an awesome man. It sucks sometimes because there are moments when my kids make me extremely proud and I wish he could see it but I then I realize that he’s still watching over me. My biggest question in life is did I make my grandfather proud? Am I living up to be the man he always knew I could be?
When my marriage ended I promised myself that I would always be there for my kids. They know they can always count on me. Even though my father was a douche bag I couldn’t let my kids down. I still have that desire to be better than my dad was. I don’t think it’ll ever go away. I did learn a lot from my dad. Only cowards run from responsibilities while real men stay not because they have to but because they want to.
While I love my mother to death and have all the respect in the world for her I also know that my grandfather was the one who taught me what it takes to be a man. Mom sacrificed a great deal as a single mother and because of what she went through I have a deep respect for women. May not seem that way in my blogs but I do.
If it weren’t for women men would wander around aimlessly without direction. I still sometimes call my ex-wife for advice. She’s hardly ever wrong and that really sucks. My mom is someone I will always have made love for. I moved six houses away just to be close in case she needs me.
Having my kids this weekend after four months is a tad overwhelming but as soon as I their laughter I know that there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. My twins keep me from taking life too seriously. I do wish my oldest son had made better choices but at the same time I hope he learns from his mistakes as well.
Before I wrap this up I remember hearing Bridge by Queensryche and I just started crying. My wife looked at me and I couldn’t even tell her why the song affected me so much. Once I was able to speak I told her it brought back some of those times as a kid wondering what my dad looked like, how cool it would’ve been to see him, to be a part of his life. That song still chokes me up and I’m 39 now. Sometimes you’re not as ok as you think you are.