The L Word

     I really need a life couch. I need someone to follow me around and slap me on the back of my bald head whenever I attempt something stupid. It’s got to be some one huge or else I’ll never learn anything. I need a guy with tree trunks for arms and hands the size of canned hams. Just one hit will force my teeth out of my butthole.

     Have you ever noticed some of our biggest mistakes were usually caused while we were under the influence of love? Face it, being in love removes all common sense and rational thought. The sad thing is no matter how many times we get screwed over we always remain optimistic. It’s not even that we get screwed over. We allow ourselves to be fooled by these warm fuzzy bullshit feelings and when it all goes south all that’s left is this feeling that you’re the biggest idiot in the world.

     Love is a wasted emotion because it clouds your thinking. I’ve learned that you have to approach women with holy water and a crucifix because in the end it always ends badly. It’s important to avoid any eye contact with women. Always stare at your shoes. That way you don”t notice how pretty she may be and stuff some cotton in your nose because there’s nothing worse than a chick that smells good.

     Love is for suckers. The one nugget of wisdom I can share with people is that you should never ever fall in love ever. It’s just gonna end badly anyway so why even bother? At some point you’re gonna wake up wondering what the fuck happened? Why did I do that? This sucks. After an hour you have to move on. Seriously, no one likes a mopey whiner baby.

      After my wife and I split up I was beyond broken but the screwed up thing is that I survived and like every other person I swore I’d never fall in love again. I was an idiot and now? I feel like an even bigger idiot because I let it happen again. I’m more pissed off than anything. I knew this would happen but of course I never listen to the voice in my head that tells me when things are a bad idea.

     That’s why I need the life coach. Anytime I see a woman I want that guy hit me really hard. I want him to hit me so hard my eye balls fly out of their sockets, and my teeth fly out my butthole. He needs to say things like; “Don’t be stupid”, or “Remember what happened last time?” With thay kind of motivation I’d never date again and even without some big armed dude knocking my teeth out of my butthole I can safely say I’ll never make that mistake again.

     I want to remain level headed and it’s hard to do that with women around. I need to realign and immerse myself in some angry music. It helps to remember where I’ve been and what love really is. After a couple days I’ll be back to normal and seeing women as they truly are. As for love I’m done. It’s not worth it. I just need to remain focused on yet another phase of my life. This is the one in which I shrink away from everyone and live a solitary existence.


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