Am I Evil?

     I truly thought I was an evil guy. I’m not talking devil horn throwing, batshit crazy evil, and maybe evil is the wrong term. Devious maybe? When you metion that you’re evil people assume you worship Satan and hate hugging. I don’t worship the devil and laughed out loud as I read The Satanic Bible. I thought being evil would make me bad ass, but I guess I’m just not cut out for it.

     It’s almost like saying you listen to Stabbing Westward because it keeps you in touch with your sensitive side. It just doesn’t work. If you listen to Stabbing Westward you’re more likely to stalk women rather than cuddle with them. As a fan of the band I know why I listen to them and it sure isn’t to be more sensitive. As a man you don’t want to even mention out loud that you have a sensitive side unless you want people to laugh at you.

     The first rule of being evil is that you don’t talk about being evil. If you walk around saying that you’re evil all you really want is attention. You just don’t randomly say you’re evil because you aren’t. I knew a guy in high school who was not only evil but batshit crazy as well. We only hung out with the guy because we were scared of him. If we didn’t, we didn’t know what he would do. He was truly scary guy that listened to Slayer and had the best crazy eyes I have ever seen.

     We were all in the lunch room one day just talking and suddenly he threw a guy onto a lunchroom table and yelled; “I did that because the Devil told me to!” How the fuck do you argue with that? That to me is totally batshit crazy evil. We got high with this guy and what almost made me shit my pants was the simple fact that it could’ve been any of us thrown onto that table. He’d grab people by the throat and scream; “Say you love Satan.” The guy would show up and we couldn’t ask him to leave.

     The reason for this blog is that for years I thought I was evil. Turns out I never was. I may have listened to metal, and read horror novels but I was never evil. I was talking to somone and she informed me that I’m not evil. The reason was that no matter how tough I tried to be all she had to do was meow or purr and I instantly caved in. If you’re evil you can’t hear a chick meow and your knees turn to jello molds.

     The sad fact is that I’m a nice guy. It’s all my mom’s fault. She raised me to be respectful and to mind my manners and I have. I happen to love women and the mere idea of treating a woman badly never appealed to me. Why would I ruin a chance to cuddle with a chick? Evil people don’t cuddle or even snuggle. If your evil one doesn’t snuggle or cuddle.

     I try and be an asshole but it’s not who I am. I can be sarcastic and a jerk at times but sadly the curse of the nice guy always filters through. I help old ladies cross the street, and I even hold doors open for women. Thinking I was an asshole and evil was great because the reality sucked. I’m a nice guy. Not evil at all. Is that a bad thing? Nope but admiting probably is.


The Most Frustrating Time Of The Year

     Is it me or has Christmas been arriving earlier? I saw a Christmas commercial during the first Presidential debate and while I was looking at Halloween stuff I happened to notice over in the next aisle there were trees and ornaments sticking out. It pissed me off because it threw off the order of the Universe.

     When I was a kid we didn’t put up lights on Halloween and we sure as hell didn’t buy Christmas shit until after Thanksgiving. A week before Thanksgiving stores began piping in that shitty Christmas music and I looked at the clerk and said; “You’re kidding me! Already?” Do we really need to hear Billy Squire’s Christmas Is The Time To Say I love you a week before Thanksgiving?

     It’s not a good song and what about Grandma Got Run Over By A Reinfuckdeer? The most retarded song ever recorded yet every one plays the shit out of it. By Christmas Eve I’m ready to kill people because I’ve heard Jingle Bells nine hundred times. Now we get it a week early? Corporate bastards.

     You would think that I really hate Christmas. You’re already calling me a Scrooge without reading the rest of this blog. I don’t hate Christmas. There are parts of Christmas I like and there are parts that I loath. It’s the same way I am with just about everything. Nothing’s ever perfect so you take the good you take the bad and then you have the facts of life….wait, that’s not right. You see where I’m going yet?

     I love the idea behind Christmas. Even as a Christian I was ramped because it was Jesus’ birthday. The year our Savior was born. I also like the idea of peace love and happiness. For one month out of the year it’s not ok to be an asshole. We tend to tolerate people more but come New Years we can become an asshole again. The idea of unity sounds possible until our neighbor puts up to many lights and suddenly we hate that show off.

     There are some people that didn’t get the peace on earth memo and those people are sucker punching people in a Best Buy parking lot just so the can get their spot in line for the really cheap plasma tv they really can’t afford but have to have. I even try to remain as calm as possible until I return home and start swearing like a kid with tourettes. People move to fucking slow. They want to stare at every damn thing and all I want is to get my shit and go home.

     I hate lines, I hate people, I hate smelly people, I am the guy that hears a crying baby and instantly say to myself; “I’m gonna kill that fucking baby.” If your baby starts crying while your shopping do all us all a favor and get the hell out of the store. No one wants to hear a screaming baby so just park your cart and leave. It’s common courtesy.

     People moving slow piss me off. This isn’t just at Christmas either. it’s just worse at Christmas. You have a family of four hundred pounders blocking an aisle oblivious to the people trying to get through. I don’t care that they’re fat. I just want to get through the fucking asile so kindly move your fat ass or I will be so kind as to deliver an elbow to your ribs

     The hardcore Christian folks really bust my balls at Christmas. To these people they are the status quo. How dare you tell them Happy Holiday’s. They want to keep Christ in Christmas but some faiths don’t believe in Jesus and they’re not wrong. People believe in different things. When I’m out and someone wishes me a Merry Christmas I don’t get pissy I just return the sentiment and if someone says Happy Holidays I say it right back. To those nutty Christian folks who love pushing Jesus down our throats I say eat shit motherfucker!

     Why all the Santa bashing? Would you prefer a baby Jesus driving a sleigh? How about instead of reindeer we replace them with Jews? That way Jesus gets a little revenge. It’s not that we don’t like Jesus we do but to a kid the Jesus concept is hard to grasp and how exactly would baby Jesus get down the chimney? He hasn’t developed his motor skills and if he lands on that soft spot it could be all bad.

     The Christians just want to have a holiday full of baby Jesus’. We’re supposed to celebrate the birth of our Savior not some fat pedophile that commits a felony by visiting peoples homes. Is it even a felony if he doesn’t take anything? Wait, he does. Milk and cookies. I guess if you don’t believe in Jesus you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas.

     Forget all the peace and love that we celebrate. If Jesus were here would he be anti-Santa? You do realize that if you rearrange the words you do get Satan. Does that mean Santa is really the Devil? Is that what Christmas is really about? A pagan holiday that worships the Devil?

Yuck it up because there are some Christian folks that actually believe that. It’s the red suit I’m sure. That has to be it. Red suit, magic powers. Fuck Santa is the Devil! These people even want to rearrange our Chrismas stories because one of them has the word gay in it. Try to fix this one. Pass me the fruitcake fagot.

I’m not trying to whine. I just want what everyone else wants. Peace, love, happiness. Also a hot naked chick under the tree wearing a Christmas hat. Be happy that we’re even allowed practice whatever faith you have and just try and get along. I love all the cheesy lights and Christmas Carols. What’s not to love about Christmas aside from crazy Christians trying to muck it all up by removing everything that makes kids happy.

Santa is a jolly fat guy with a bag full of hope. Thank God for December. I see a chick in a Santa hat and I’m a happy guy. There’s nothing hotter than a chick wearing the shit out of a Santa hat. We tend to smile a bit more in December and that’s a good thing. We all need to smile more.

Can’t Sleep

     Maybe the title is a bit misleading. I can sleep and fell asleep reading. I woke up hugging my tablet like it was my girlfriend. It was an awkward moment because I remember reading and I just fell out. Woke up and realized why I never go to sleep at eight in the evening. I have no cable, no television. I’m fucked.

     I decided to grow a beard this winter and I don’t get why people have to ask why I grew it. is there supposed to be some deep meaning behind facial hair? Ever since man evolved there has to be a reason for everything. God really screwed us up because everything has a purpose including facial hair.

     There are actually two reasons for the beard. The first is obvious. I got tired of shaving. I shave my entire head so I’m actually cutting out on time spent in the bathroom. Every week I shave my head and then my face. One morning I said fuck it and now I have the beard.

     The second reason is far deeper. I have a disease. It’s called I don’t give a shit. This disease affects my entire life. I wake up in the morning plaster on a fake smile and plow through my day. I’m oblivious to everything and it sucks but what can I do. I’ve had a rough few months thought I finally hit a corner and now I’m right back where I started.

     I just don’t care how I look and if it wasn’t for my job I’d stop showering and doing laundry. I wake up fake enthusiasm and come home and pretend that I actually give a shit about whatever topic I encounter until I’m alone and can read and pretend that the world doesn’t exist.

     I’ve been through far too much shit. I feel like a discarded pumpkin. I’m all hollow inside and have no idea how to fix me. I keep hearing about prayer and God and I chuckle. I’d like to thank God for allowing my life to continually turn to shit. Awesome job. For all those lovely people that want to pray for me please don’t. I can’t handle anymore stress and if my life gets any worse I may just end up in the whacky shack eating crayons.

     The phrase I keep hearing is confession is good for the soul but is it? Religous folks are all about confession. We all want to be absolved of something don’t we? The only thing that confession really does is give you an excuse to do it again. If we can be forgiven why not do it again?

     Sin is such a broad area and people are consumed with this idea that confession will somehow make their lives better. All confession does really is make you look like a horrible person. Confession may not be good for the soul. You know what’s good for the soul? You shutting the fuck and talking to God or whomever on your own. Why bring in an intermediary?

     Lastly because I’m getting sleepy and I think this blog is sucking, I’m trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I started to fuck up everything I came in conract with. The other night I was looking back on my life and I realized I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve ever had.

     Everything I touch I break. It’s that simple. I end up screwing up a relationship because I was freaked out and scared and I noticed that it’s always been that way. I either push them away or say something that makes me look like an asshole. I find the one woman that I truly wanted to be with and I screw it up.

     There’s nothing you can do to fix it. Once you fuck it up there’s no way to unfuck it up. There’s always that hope that they’ll see that you didn’t want to push them away you just did what you always do. Some people are perfectly content with being happy and enjoy it while I usually just fuck it up. The part that sucks is when you see her and she’s just as beautiful as the last time you saw her. That’s when you realize you may have lost the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you.

     I think at some point though we need to rely less on what could happen in a relationship and just focus on what’s important. I broke my one cardinal rule and that’s to not think ahead. I did and went all panicky and shit. I am a walking disaster that’s totally screwed up. I hit that moment where I freaked out and then hit a period where I just said fuck it.

    I doubt very highly that I’ll get a shot of redemption anyway. It’s never worked out for me. If I could confess maybe it would be that I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a very good savior at all because when it comes right down to it I’m just scared as everyone else. I fell in love with an amazing woman and totally fucked it up. It happens. All I can do is keep moving forward. It’s all I got left.