Can’t Sleep

     Maybe the title is a bit misleading. I can sleep and fell asleep reading. I woke up hugging my tablet like it was my girlfriend. It was an awkward moment because I remember reading and I just fell out. Woke up and realized why I never go to sleep at eight in the evening. I have no cable, no television. I’m fucked.

     I decided to grow a beard this winter and I don’t get why people have to ask why I grew it. is there supposed to be some deep meaning behind facial hair? Ever since man evolved there has to be a reason for everything. God really screwed us up because everything has a purpose including facial hair.

     There are actually two reasons for the beard. The first is obvious. I got tired of shaving. I shave my entire head so I’m actually cutting out on time spent in the bathroom. Every week I shave my head and then my face. One morning I said fuck it and now I have the beard.

     The second reason is far deeper. I have a disease. It’s called I don’t give a shit. This disease affects my entire life. I wake up in the morning plaster on a fake smile and plow through my day. I’m oblivious to everything and it sucks but what can I do. I’ve had a rough few months thought I finally hit a corner and now I’m right back where I started.

     I just don’t care how I look and if it wasn’t for my job I’d stop showering and doing laundry. I wake up fake enthusiasm and come home and pretend that I actually give a shit about whatever topic I encounter until I’m alone and can read and pretend that the world doesn’t exist.

     I’ve been through far too much shit. I feel like a discarded pumpkin. I’m all hollow inside and have no idea how to fix me. I keep hearing about prayer and God and I chuckle. I’d like to thank God for allowing my life to continually turn to shit. Awesome job. For all those lovely people that want to pray for me please don’t. I can’t handle anymore stress and if my life gets any worse I may just end up in the whacky shack eating crayons.

     The phrase I keep hearing is confession is good for the soul but is it? Religous folks are all about confession. We all want to be absolved of something don’t we? The only thing that confession really does is give you an excuse to do it again. If we can be forgiven why not do it again?

     Sin is such a broad area and people are consumed with this idea that confession will somehow make their lives better. All confession does really is make you look like a horrible person. Confession may not be good for the soul. You know what’s good for the soul? You shutting the fuck and talking to God or whomever on your own. Why bring in an intermediary?

     Lastly because I’m getting sleepy and I think this blog is sucking, I’m trying to pinpoint the exact moment when I started to fuck up everything I came in conract with. The other night I was looking back on my life and I realized I’ve fucked up every relationship I’ve ever had.

     Everything I touch I break. It’s that simple. I end up screwing up a relationship because I was freaked out and scared and I noticed that it’s always been that way. I either push them away or say something that makes me look like an asshole. I find the one woman that I truly wanted to be with and I screw it up.

     There’s nothing you can do to fix it. Once you fuck it up there’s no way to unfuck it up. There’s always that hope that they’ll see that you didn’t want to push them away you just did what you always do. Some people are perfectly content with being happy and enjoy it while I usually just fuck it up. The part that sucks is when you see her and she’s just as beautiful as the last time you saw her. That’s when you realize you may have lost the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you.

     I think at some point though we need to rely less on what could happen in a relationship and just focus on what’s important. I broke my one cardinal rule and that’s to not think ahead. I did and went all panicky and shit. I am a walking disaster that’s totally screwed up. I hit that moment where I freaked out and then hit a period where I just said fuck it.

    I doubt very highly that I’ll get a shot of redemption anyway. It’s never worked out for me. If I could confess maybe it would be that I don’t have all the answers, I’m not a very good savior at all because when it comes right down to it I’m just scared as everyone else. I fell in love with an amazing woman and totally fucked it up. It happens. All I can do is keep moving forward. It’s all I got left.