The Most Frustrating Time Of The Year

     Is it me or has Christmas been arriving earlier? I saw a Christmas commercial during the first Presidential debate and while I was looking at Halloween stuff I happened to notice over in the next aisle there were trees and ornaments sticking out. It pissed me off because it threw off the order of the Universe.

     When I was a kid we didn’t put up lights on Halloween and we sure as hell didn’t buy Christmas shit until after Thanksgiving. A week before Thanksgiving stores began piping in that shitty Christmas music and I looked at the clerk and said; “You’re kidding me! Already?” Do we really need to hear Billy Squire’s Christmas Is The Time To Say I love you a week before Thanksgiving?

     It’s not a good song and what about Grandma Got Run Over By A Reinfuckdeer? The most retarded song ever recorded yet every one plays the shit out of it. By Christmas Eve I’m ready to kill people because I’ve heard Jingle Bells nine hundred times. Now we get it a week early? Corporate bastards.

     You would think that I really hate Christmas. You’re already calling me a Scrooge without reading the rest of this blog. I don’t hate Christmas. There are parts of Christmas I like and there are parts that I loath. It’s the same way I am with just about everything. Nothing’s ever perfect so you take the good you take the bad and then you have the facts of life….wait, that’s not right. You see where I’m going yet?

     I love the idea behind Christmas. Even as a Christian I was ramped because it was Jesus’ birthday. The year our Savior was born. I also like the idea of peace love and happiness. For one month out of the year it’s not ok to be an asshole. We tend to tolerate people more but come New Years we can become an asshole again. The idea of unity sounds possible until our neighbor puts up to many lights and suddenly we hate that show off.

     There are some people that didn’t get the peace on earth memo and those people are sucker punching people in a Best Buy parking lot just so the can get their spot in line for the really cheap plasma tv they really can’t afford but have to have. I even try to remain as calm as possible until I return home and start swearing like a kid with tourettes. People move to fucking slow. They want to stare at every damn thing and all I want is to get my shit and go home.

     I hate lines, I hate people, I hate smelly people, I am the guy that hears a crying baby and instantly say to myself; “I’m gonna kill that fucking baby.” If your baby starts crying while your shopping do all us all a favor and get the hell out of the store. No one wants to hear a screaming baby so just park your cart and leave. It’s common courtesy.

     People moving slow piss me off. This isn’t just at Christmas either. it’s just worse at Christmas. You have a family of four hundred pounders blocking an aisle oblivious to the people trying to get through. I don’t care that they’re fat. I just want to get through the fucking asile so kindly move your fat ass or I will be so kind as to deliver an elbow to your ribs

     The hardcore Christian folks really bust my balls at Christmas. To these people they are the status quo. How dare you tell them Happy Holiday’s. They want to keep Christ in Christmas but some faiths don’t believe in Jesus and they’re not wrong. People believe in different things. When I’m out and someone wishes me a Merry Christmas I don’t get pissy I just return the sentiment and if someone says Happy Holidays I say it right back. To those nutty Christian folks who love pushing Jesus down our throats I say eat shit motherfucker!

     Why all the Santa bashing? Would you prefer a baby Jesus driving a sleigh? How about instead of reindeer we replace them with Jews? That way Jesus gets a little revenge. It’s not that we don’t like Jesus we do but to a kid the Jesus concept is hard to grasp and how exactly would baby Jesus get down the chimney? He hasn’t developed his motor skills and if he lands on that soft spot it could be all bad.

     The Christians just want to have a holiday full of baby Jesus’. We’re supposed to celebrate the birth of our Savior not some fat pedophile that commits a felony by visiting peoples homes. Is it even a felony if he doesn’t take anything? Wait, he does. Milk and cookies. I guess if you don’t believe in Jesus you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas.

     Forget all the peace and love that we celebrate. If Jesus were here would he be anti-Santa? You do realize that if you rearrange the words you do get Satan. Does that mean Santa is really the Devil? Is that what Christmas is really about? A pagan holiday that worships the Devil?

Yuck it up because there are some Christian folks that actually believe that. It’s the red suit I’m sure. That has to be it. Red suit, magic powers. Fuck Santa is the Devil! These people even want to rearrange our Chrismas stories because one of them has the word gay in it. Try to fix this one. Pass me the fruitcake fagot.

I’m not trying to whine. I just want what everyone else wants. Peace, love, happiness. Also a hot naked chick under the tree wearing a Christmas hat. Be happy that we’re even allowed practice whatever faith you have and just try and get along. I love all the cheesy lights and Christmas Carols. What’s not to love about Christmas aside from crazy Christians trying to muck it all up by removing everything that makes kids happy.

Santa is a jolly fat guy with a bag full of hope. Thank God for December. I see a chick in a Santa hat and I’m a happy guy. There’s nothing hotter than a chick wearing the shit out of a Santa hat. We tend to smile a bit more in December and that’s a good thing. We all need to smile more.


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