Am I Evil?

     I truly thought I was an evil guy. I’m not talking devil horn throwing, batshit crazy evil, and maybe evil is the wrong term. Devious maybe? When you metion that you’re evil people assume you worship Satan and hate hugging. I don’t worship the devil and laughed out loud as I read The Satanic Bible. I thought being evil would make me bad ass, but I guess I’m just not cut out for it.

     It’s almost like saying you listen to Stabbing Westward because it keeps you in touch with your sensitive side. It just doesn’t work. If you listen to Stabbing Westward you’re more likely to stalk women rather than cuddle with them. As a fan of the band I know why I listen to them and it sure isn’t to be more sensitive. As a man you don’t want to even mention out loud that you have a sensitive side unless you want people to laugh at you.

     The first rule of being evil is that you don’t talk about being evil. If you walk around saying that you’re evil all you really want is attention. You just don’t randomly say you’re evil because you aren’t. I knew a guy in high school who was not only evil but batshit crazy as well. We only hung out with the guy because we were scared of him. If we didn’t, we didn’t know what he would do. He was truly scary guy that listened to Slayer and had the best crazy eyes I have ever seen.

     We were all in the lunch room one day just talking and suddenly he threw a guy onto a lunchroom table and yelled; “I did that because the Devil told me to!” How the fuck do you argue with that? That to me is totally batshit crazy evil. We got high with this guy and what almost made me shit my pants was the simple fact that it could’ve been any of us thrown onto that table. He’d grab people by the throat and scream; “Say you love Satan.” The guy would show up and we couldn’t ask him to leave.

     The reason for this blog is that for years I thought I was evil. Turns out I never was. I may have listened to metal, and read horror novels but I was never evil. I was talking to somone and she informed me that I’m not evil. The reason was that no matter how tough I tried to be all she had to do was meow or purr and I instantly caved in. If you’re evil you can’t hear a chick meow and your knees turn to jello molds.

     The sad fact is that I’m a nice guy. It’s all my mom’s fault. She raised me to be respectful and to mind my manners and I have. I happen to love women and the mere idea of treating a woman badly never appealed to me. Why would I ruin a chance to cuddle with a chick? Evil people don’t cuddle or even snuggle. If your evil one doesn’t snuggle or cuddle.

     I try and be an asshole but it’s not who I am. I can be sarcastic and a jerk at times but sadly the curse of the nice guy always filters through. I help old ladies cross the street, and I even hold doors open for women. Thinking I was an asshole and evil was great because the reality sucked. I’m a nice guy. Not evil at all. Is that a bad thing? Nope but admiting probably is.


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