Arrrrrgh *cough cough*

     It’s been an interesting week and I have to say that my twins have been been a huge part in that. My kids have always been a driving force in my life. They have no idea how much they have influenced me. My kids loved Skillet and Flyleaf and once I dropped all of the elements of Christianity out of my life the music was the first to go.

     After the fire I no longer had the cd’s anyway so I just never replaced them. This week I figured I may as well make them happy so I got them the Flyleaf and the Skillet but then something happened. I actually smiled as I remembered that most of my favorite albums were by Christian artists.

     The first cd I listened to this week was Frost Like Ashes’ Tophet. This is brutal unblack metal. There is nothing like Christian Unblack
metal but as I sat on my floor grinning like an idiot I realized just how much I missed this stuff. I was happy, truly happy and I needed more.

     I haven’t been this happy listening to music in months. A band that looks like this actually made me happy!

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     As I looked over all the music I had been listening to over the last six months I tried to get that same excitement I got from Tophet and it just wasn’t there. Thanks to my kids I rediscovered the music that truly defined me, and made me happy.

     My kids helped me to discover that even though I may have walked away from God I still loved the music. Christian metal is truly amazing and the problem I had listening to non christian music was how bored I had become. I had become something the kids had truly been proud of and I stripped away the only identity I felt comfortable with. I walked away from something I was thought I could never be.

     That Frost Like Ashes cd was a reminder that no matter where I go or who I think I might be I haven’t changed as much as I thought I had. Christian metal and unblack metal has always been made fun but there are those that see what I see. There are tons of bands that were ground breaking and showed that Christians don’t have to be boring.
     As a Christian I was lead into all these different areas and when I discovered unblack metal I was ecstatic. As I veered away from my faith I tried to listen to black metal but it wasn’t the same. For me the satanic imagery and negativity wasn’t as interesting as the Christian unblack metal.

     These were songs about war and brutality and even faith. Despite black metal being based on lack of faith unblack metal is all about faith and hope. We all need hope. We need a bunch of dudes wielding swords and running through a Norwegian forest. Why does every black and unmetal band have to be in a forest with a troll? Every video is filmed that way.
  
     

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     This is the second band I started listening to again. Hortor is just crazy talented and again I got giddy. I really missed this music and I was instantly deleting the music that had replaced this stuff. I flashed back to discovering new bands every day and suddenly for the last several months I had nothing new. Once I stopped listening to Christian metal there was nothing exciting anymore. Nothing made me exclaim; Holy Crap on a cracker!

        While listening to all this amazing music I realized exactly why I was so miserable. I realized why I have felt so lost and out of place. I let go of something that I was proud of, the one thing that defined me. My Christianity. It was more than just music. It was who I was. The music just became an extension of my faith.

     You can never change who you are. You can spend three years of your life creating someone you never thought you’d become and then suddenly raise your hands and say; I quit, but can I? My kids showed me that deep down I’m still the same guy I was seven months ago. I can try and be happy but I’m never going to be unless I figure out who I am.

     What I’m going to do now is put in my head phones and listen to one of the greatest metal cd’s ever. Mortification’s Break The Curse and then I’m going to go to church and figure my next step. Do I want to be the directionless miserable person I’ve become or do I reclaim my smile and be the guy that banged his head to Jesus metal and found his true calling?

     I truly believe that we all have a purpose and for a long time I believed that mine was showing people that as a Christian we’re all into different things. You don’t have to be the stuffy suit and tie guy if that’s not who you are. When I became a Christian I was still quite rough around the edges but God was able to use that.

     What mattered was what you believed. It wasn’t about what kind of music you listened to, what books you read, it was about your heart and that was what God was focusing on. The exterior isn’t important it’s the interior. A lot of Christians still don’t get it and it’s unfortunate.

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Chubby Wubby Weeble Wobble

     I figured at some point I’d have to write this blog. I could’ve avoided it but I have never avoided anything or anyone. Wait, there was once a girl I avoided because she smelled funny. I could never quite place what the smell was but it was sauteed in wrong sauce. What made it worse is that she had a crush on me and wanted me to as The Beatles fondly put it, hold her hand.

     I did no such thing. I figured if she smelled odd holding her hand would have felt like holding a rotting fish filled with baby vomit. I avoided that woman and she’s probably married to a smelly man and they have a bunch of smelly kids and live in an abadoned meat packing plant in Amish country.

     This blog isn’t about smelly chicks but ladies if you do go on a date wash your lady parts and use a Febreeze plug in if needed. This blog is about this guy

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     Who is this guy? That’s me before the diet. Quite smashing aren’t I for a guy who has no feet and looks like he’s scared. I love that flesh colored suit and think it looks slimming.

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      This is me. I look grumpy because this diet isn’t working out as well as I planned. Will power is awesome but I have found that I have the worst will power ever. I actually have a witness that will swear to this and if she’s reading this she’ll probably chime in and laugh at me.

     The idea was to switch it up and eat more fish, and yeah I know it’s hard to eat more fish if you aren’t dating. Sorry, couldn’t help myself. I did cut out a lot of bread, and started planning this whole less is more attitude but I’m human and I screw up. It happens. I began eating a lot of yogurt and turkey burgers.

     There were a few days where I totally lost it. I acted like Rosie O’donnel at a Golden Corral. I was an eating machine and I couldn’t stop. It was a horror show but when I checked my weight it didn’t affect me. I was surprised because after all that I was sure I had to start all over.

     I did learn that if I have turkey bacon and boneless skinless chicken breast I have the most amazing wrap ever. I take the soft taco shell and grill it for about a minute, spread some lowfat poppy seed dressing on that sucker and I’m a happy guy. I have cut down on my eating and usually try to eat two light meals and then something sensible for dinner.

     What I need is Jillian Hall to climb on my back every time I feel like I need to over eat. She is one agressive lesbian. She’s like a diet nazi. I saw those commercials where she was going crazy on those fat people and my heart broke for those chubby people. Didn’t they also lock them in a room with cakes and pies?

    I want to be locked in that room with Alison Sweeney. All I need is an hour, two tops. Have you seen this woman? I watch Days Our Lives partly because of her.

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     The whole point of this blog is not to poke fun at dieting but to admit that I sometimes screw up. It happens. I have moments when I become weak and think I’ve gotten off course but that doesn’t mean I can quit. I’ve still lost about 7 pounds and for me that’s awesome. I didn’t think I’d last this long but instead of going Jillian Hall crazy I admited that I’m human and I screwed up.

     I said hello to some donuts and in the end I ate them. They were good donuts. One was a creme stick and two were lemon filled. I think one might’ve been raspberry filled but I’m not sure. I ate those donuts and survived. You won’t hear me babbling about failure or how the donuts tricked me.

     Is that even possible? Do donuts form militias and taunt chubby people? How rad is that? When everyone’s out of ear shot the donuts plan strategy and maneuvering. The donuts would attack but only in dozens. Crafty battle ready donuts. Seriously, that would be cool. 

     Instead of being all Jillian Hall crazy I’m just having fun. Watching what I eat and trying to take this whole diet thing sort of serious. That for me works. Some people need Jillian Hall on their back but that just scares me. I don’t need an angry lesbian kicking my ass for having a donut. It’s a donut not a dozen.

     I have lost weight and that’s all that matters to me. How I lose it is hard to explain because all I really did was find something that works for me. That was all I had to do. That and the commercials of Jillian Hall jumping on people’s backs. How degrading. When did fat people become horses for angry diet nazis?

      So yeah, I’m kind of taking the diet thing seriously and I’m not all strict and snobbish when it comes to certain foods. I have kids and they are going to eat foods I know I shouldn’t have and I’m cool with that. I’m not scary about my diet and if that does happen I hope someone calls me out.

Damage Through The Haze

Don’t ya just love it when I go to church? The nonintelligent folks that go through life without questioning anything are now groaning and throwing up their hands in disgust. Isn’t life about discovery and growth? As a kid I’ve always wanted to know why. When I found out the why I was always happy and found a new why.

My son is all about God and church and I’m okay with that because it’s my fault he has such a vested intrest in it. When I stopped believing and going to church he was a bit confused and asked why. Was I mad at God? Do I still believe in God? I never lie to my kids so I answered honestly and said I don’t know. I’m not mad at God but I don’t know if I believe in God anymore.
Just because I’m confused it doesn’t mean my kids have to stop going to church or believing in God. This is where parents and adults really anger me. If a parent doesn’t have a belief system or may even be an atheist they expect their kids to be the same way. They forget that their kids will someday grow up and their beliefs may change.

As parents we need to encourage our kids no matter what. Don’t throw blinders on them and expect them to have the same beliefs and world view you do. As I sat there my mind was filling up with what I had believed, what I projected and I was reminded of what I had set out to do as a Christian. I kept hitting upon the word sheep and how as believers that’s what God expects us to be.

Sheep are mindless ans follow the herd. Is that what God really wants? We aren’t supposed to seek out the truth that He Himself had established? If we don’t question what our pastors and religious leaders are telling us how then can anyone grow in their faith?

Not questioning closes our minds and allows us to become just like everyone else in the pews in front and behind us. There’s no reason to exist beyond what they’re telling you. That sheep ideology just doesn’t make sense to me. As a Christian my goal was to find the truth. Compare what my pastor and my religious leaders were telling me to what the Bible says. If there’s a disconnect or even a slight change in context I would step back and pray if what I’m hearing was in fact true.

The sheep mentality can’t work because if the word of God is taken out of context weakens an entire congregation. How are you supposed to question it if you’re a sheep? The more I sat and the more I thought the more I realized that whether I liked it or not as a Christian I made an impact. I was different than most in that I truly believed what the Bible said and truly listened to sermons. By listening and comparing it to the Bible I could tell that the church I was in wasn’t going to work for me.

What happens a lot of times is a sect or denomination will take verse out context and build upon false doctrine. I always urged people to think for themselves. You can’t force someone to go to church and believe in God. Free will dictates what we believe or don’t believe in. You can’t spout Bible verses at people and constantly tell them they’re going to hell. It can’t work because those people don’t care. I wanted people to get saved but if I was forcing them or guilting them into it I failed.

Sitting there this morning reminded me of what I had tried to be. I wanted to serve God and be a Christian that people could look up to. God to me was more than just church. I blogged about my faith, I supported the idea that salvation was for everyone but I never pressured anyone into it. I wasn’t like a lot of the suit and tie Bible thumpers that go around acting holy. That wasn’t my style.

If I had begun some sort of Christian legacy what was it? I was a bit of a rebel and didn’t conform to the idea of what a Christian was supposed to be. I was still scruffy, I listened to music that most Christians fled from in fear. I began to think about my faith and why it seemed as if those years were a wasted effort. Where was God when I needed him? Everytime I go to church I always ask the same questions. Where are you? Was it all just a wasted effort?

I still have the same knowledge and the feeling that my life had some purpose but now I just feel lost and confused. Are we supposed to serve God blindly and never question anything? Where was the God I served? I still can’t find him. When I stepped outside of my Christianity I assumed that I would find the Bible to be laughable but instead I’m reminded of why I was a Christian in the first place. There was calm among the chaos, there was a chance to be someone greater than I ever thought possible.

I assumed that by turning my back on God my life would somehow turn out better or have a wider meaning. Instead I’m struggling to figure out who I am and what the fuck I’m supposed to do. The fire has really forced me to reexamine myself. Not just my faith. Everything. My stance on forgiveness, and hate, and even anger. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find the answers. Christianity was a way for me to be someone greater than I thought I was but was it all for nothing? Were those verses just empty promises and ideas that man created? I really need to stop going to church. It doesn’t help and only confuses me because I start to think about how broken and screwed up I’ve become.

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass

      I have a confession and some people will probably make fun of me and hell, I would to if I were you. I’m addicted to a soap opera. Days Of Our Lives is my heroine. It’s quite sad really and I realize that a man shouldn’t be watching this.

     It’s all my mom’s fault really. For as long as I can remember at one in the afternoon everything in my house stopped for an hour Monday through Friday. There were other soaps but mom was all about Days Of Our Lives. We were allowed to watch cartoons but as soon as Days came on you were done.

     The fucked up thing was that during summer break if it rained all day there was an hour that you didn’t exist so you were either stuck watching the exploits of the Hortons or finding ways to amuse yourself. Anytime we didn’t have school that hour was so ingrained into me and brothers heads we were forced to call a truce to whatever squabble we were having and hang out. After Days was over everything was back to normal.

     As I got older I asked my mom why she watched this shit. It was horrible but then I began to watch and I understood. You had to suspend belief for starters or else you would go insane because a lot of shit wasn’t making sense. In soaps you have to throw common sense and reality out the window because they don’t exist.

      I don’t think there any rules when it comes to these shows. For all I know these show may actually tale place in a could  parallel universe. Somewhere out there there’s a Salem and who knows maybe heaven itself is in fact Salem. God could in fact be Victor Kiriakis.

    

     Once I really started following the storylines and becoming familiar with back stories and current story lines I was an addict. There was some really fucked up shit going on and Friday was always the day when they would throw out some crazy cliff hanger so you’d have to watch again on Monday.

     I like that in soaps a dude or chick can decide to become an actor outside of soaps so they may kill off said character. When they come back a month or year later it’s all good. No one questions it. Years ago a dude lost his fucking head in a car crash, they confirmed that he was in fact clearly dead yet a year later he was back and his head was intact! Not one scar!

     The reason behind this was that he was cloned and the original dude had been kidnapped. Someone had been pretending to be him for a very long time and suddenly he escaped. This clone had the characters memories and was so convincing that his wife had no idea that she had spent a few years fucking a man that wasn’t her husband. The man that lost his head in the accident was the clone. How fucked up is that?

     It explained away the accident and the severed head. If scientists were able to use this technology wars would be a lot more fun. We could send in a bunch of clones and rejoice that no one would die in a conflict that not everyone believed in. If our wives or girlfriends became nagging bitches or we just wanted to bang someone else we could send in the clone while they put up with the nagging and we were having sex with someone less bitch like.

     In a soap cancer and aids would be cured in a week. Fridays a big cliffhanger day so on Monday there would be that big reveal and there’d be no more aids or cancer. They would have the best doctors and nurses working on it and there’d be tons of cheesy dialouge. “I can’t do this. It’s just not possible. Damn it!” Another character would flash a worried or concerned look and reply; “Nothing’s impossible. We can’t give up. We have to keep going. I won’t let you quit.”

     Cloning according to soaps has been around for a long time. It’s used to kidnap people and keep people from finding out shit that they’re not supposed to find out. What better way to destroy someone than by kidnapping your enemy and sending in a clone to destroy their life. How awesome would that be? Having a shitty day? Send your clone to work for you. Your wife or girlfriend’s being a bitch? Send in the clone to end to the marriage or relationship.

     I get how most dudes are reading this and wondering if I’ve lost my mind but I haven’t. There is a lot of sex and romance in a soap but so what. Who cares. I watch it for the villians. The asshole that throws out witty dialouge while fucking over everyone who gets in his way. I like the bitches that will fuck over anyone who gets in her way. The villians are the linchpin of every soap. You have a weak mopey villlian you’ll lose intrest

     When I say bitches I mean the female villians. These are chicks that will steal anothers womans dude just because she can and then fake a pregancy just to make him fall in love with her. The guy is always clueless but the guy’s girlfriend always finds out and calmly walks away so he can do what he needs to do.

     I hate the females that are so good and saintly. I like the nast vile, coniving bitches that stab people in the back and act like it’s no big deal. I like the villians that ruin weddings by revealing that the bride is pregnant with another dudes baby or they fall in love with a woman who just happens to be married so he hires someone to kill the husband and then they swoop in and play the hero and eventually the woman falls in love with the villian.

      The dialouge is so bad in these shows but there are times where it becomes almost to easy to use. Yes, I’ve used cheesy soap dialouge on my exwife. Still do. There have been times when I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted to see if it would work and I’m not even mentioning if it did or not.

     I happen to have a stunning exwife. Sometimes I wish I was a bad ass villian so could get in her pants one last time. Flash her that villainy look and say something like; “If we made love right now the world could end tonight and I would die a happy man.” I doubt it would work but it sounds pretty damn cool. If I were a bad ass villian I would be banging my exwife right now.

     Does it mean I have feelings for her? No, I just want to see her naked. You’ll have that. I would be a bad ass villian in a soap. It just fits. I’d be the asshole that manages to sleep with every chick I talk to yet stay emotionally unattached. I’d kidnap some people, wreck a few marriages and I’d have a damn good time doing it. Why even wear pants?

     As a villian my speeches would be flawless and legendary. I’d be the guy that’s fucking your wife and your mom all in the same day. There is always that ick factor in soaps as well. People sleep with their brothers, their sisters and even their cousins. The viewers know but the characters never do. When it’s all revealed it’s amazing how no one ever kills themselves.

      These people are fucking for months and suddenly on a Friday we all find out that the dude or the chick is some how related. They were switched at birth or some crazy shit but as icky as it is they still pull that storyline out once in a while. How do you get over something like that? If you’ve been banging a chick and find out she’s your sister you need to leave town or buy a gun because the odds of ever having sex again would greatly diminish.

      What if you do get over it and find out the new girls your cousin? Do you invite your sister over for a threesome? The odds of that happening are actually quite high in West Virginia. They call that a family reunion. There are some bad storylines in soaps but what keeps me watching is the hot coniving bitches.

     I realize that by watching soaps I’m losing brain cells but I’m addicted. It’s all my mom’s fault. She and I watch together and I enjoy that quality time with mom. We watch a lot of tv together but Days is just ours. My stepdad isn’t as into it as we are and we’re cool with that.

     I enjoy Days Of Our Lives and as crazy as the storylines get I’m a fucking addict. I structure my day so I can have that one hour with my soap. I root on the villians and wait for some goody two shoes to get totally fucked over. In real life none of this shit could happen. Someone would be arrested.

     I won’t even tell you who my favorite characters are because I know I’ll get laughed at. It’s bad enough that I watch it but I couldn’t stand anymore ridicule. I’d have to kidnap you and send in a clone.

Where’s My Feet?

     I took a shower and discovered something that both saddened and disturbed me. When I got out of the shower I happened to notice that I could no longer see my feet. I know how it happened but damn it! I looked like a woman in her ninth month of pregnancy except for the chest hair.

     It was disturbing because I never noticed it before. I’m sure it’s been there for awhile and with all the shit I’ve endured it makes sense that I’d over eat. I live with my mom and stepdad, and I’ve lost a few hours at work so it would make sense that I’d find something to ease the boredom.

     Now what? Do I take pictures of my feet and try and remember what they look like when I stand up? That’s a little weird and besides I see them just fine when I sit down. They’re feet right so does it really matter if I can see them?

     I know I should consider altering my life a bit. I’m a heart attack waiting to happen. At least I could be. My cholesterol level could in fact be holy fucking shit but I detest doctors. They tell me all sorts of shit that I should do but I never follow their advice. I saw a doctor a year ago and I’m ok with that. All he told me to do was stop smoking and I ignored him.

     Since I couldn’t see my feet I thought about how pathetic I’ve become, how low I’ve really sunk. I’m not depressed just really fucking bored. I need to realign. Figure out if I can actually change. Is it possible for me to lose weight?

     I’ve done it before but that was only because I was depressed and wasn’t hungry. It’s not a good idea to not eat for three days. All sorts of bad things happen but I regained the weight. When you don’t eat you get a little sick.

     I have a plan. At least I think I have a plan. Rededicate my life to God and lose weight. Wait, that’s not right. My plan is a three part plan that scares the shit out of me but I’ve made plans before and sort of stuck to them. I’m not the sort of guy that thinks things through.

     When I stopped eating it wasn’t exactly planned and when I lived on my own without the wife and kids I adapted and for a year I did well. I never had a plan. Not once and I survived. It was pretty rad. Now this is just a new set of circumstances that I need to rise above.

     Not seeing my feet this evening was my wake up call. I realized that I have never ever been beaten. Bested? Fuck yeah but I have never been beaten. The last few months I have allowed myself to wimp out. I pretty much gave up but that’s not me.

     I’ve reached a point where I settled for suckage. I sabatoged a great relationship and allowed myself to accept shit without fighting. Who the fuck am I? Am I the guy that allows life to kick him in the nuts and fucking takes it? Fuck no. When life challenges me I stand up and accept. I don’t take it I fight back tooth and nail.

     What I needed was motivation. The possibility of a new job, not seeing my feet when I stand up, and of course man titties. Having man titties is unacceptable. I’m not going to live with my mom and stepdad forever. Do I really want to be the pathetic fat guy that plays Dungeons And Dragons and prays to God that he’ll get his dicky sticky?

     I say fuck that shit. I am going to improve my life and have sex again. I will move out goddamn it. I have never been pathetic. I like sex. I like naked women and I can’t see one unless I get my shit together. See I can come up with a plan.

     The plan is simple. I need to get laid. I need to somehow prove that I’m not a total fuck up. How in the hell do I do that at my age? I should already have my life in order. The picket fence and shit. At my age I shouldn’t be living back at home and wondering when I’m getting out.

     I did weigh myself for shits and giggles and I am not a happy dude. It’s not as bad as I thought but still I got titties like a woman. I have three goals. The first is to find a better job, the second is to move out and lastly I plan on losing 54 pounds.

     I survived my marriage breaking up so I can lose this weight. Easy breezy lemon squeezy. At some point I truly believe that we all must have something we want to change about ourselves but are just too chicken shit to do it. For me it’s always been losing weight.

     Can you imagine how much fun it would be to blog about my quest to lose my man titties? Every life altering thing could be included. I could be just having a laugh about the whole issue but the challenge motivates me to at least attempt it.

     I haven’t felt this motivated in a long time. I can hear myself doubting that I can do this because where I live doesn’t allow me to walk or even excercise but the key to losing weight is about personal choices. Eating less and avoiding shit like soda.

     The reason people fail so miserably at diets is simple. They think to far ahead. They want to do all this other stuff that ties into it but it fries the brain. Sure, it’s important to walk or add something that will motivate you to want to lose weight but you can’t overwhelm yourself. It’s suicide.

      My motivation is the man titties and seeing my feet when I stand up. I’ve been blessed with a body that doesn’t fully get fat. I have the stomach and the tits but my arms and legs don’t hold weight. What that means is that when I lose weight I don’t need to tighten my arms or legs so they

Won’t sag or flap.

     I don’t need to do anything but stop overeating. I’ve noticed that for me it’s quite easy to lose just a stomach and I don’t need some insane diet to do it. It’s all about being realistic which most people aren’t. They try all this bullshit expecting results right away but it never happens.

     I just plan on eating correctly. The one advantage I have over other people is that I don’t get hungry. Sounds weird I know but I lost a bit of weight on my own simply because I would forget to eat. If you aren’t hungry you don’t eat and the desire to cook doesn’t exist because there’s no motivation.

     I usually force myself to eat once a day. When I was married and even now living where I am I eat more because when other people eat you feel obligated because saying you aren’t hungry would be rude. In the morning all I require is coffee. I’m not into breakfast or any food because I’m not hungry.

    Losing this weight should be easy. I know what I need to do and I’ll do occasional updates just to show how serious I am and that I can actually stop eating junk food. God help us all.